In school one day the teacher decided in science class she would teach about materials. So she stood in the front of the class and said, Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?

Little Richie raised his hand and said I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche.



The teacher nodded and called on little Susie Marie.



Little Susie said I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette.



The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, I would want silicone.



The teacher said, Why Johnny?



He responded by saying, because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother:

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart,just like the doctor would. Except hes not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch.

This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick…. a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST!

Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!

Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go… I guess it bit her back.

Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel…

I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway.

He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasnt dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again.

I guess eels are like cats…. they have nine lives or something.

This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw siss boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.

Mother fainted.

A Little Johnny went to sit on Santas lap, and Santa asked him what he wanted for Christmas.

Little Johnny answered, A damn swing set in the backyard.

Excuse me? said Santa.

I want a damn swing set in my backyard, repeated Little Johnny.

Santa said, Youll have to ask nicer if you want Santa to bring you something. Lets try again. What else do you want?

Little Johnny answered, A damn sandbox for the side yard.

You have to ask politely! One more time. What else do you want for Christmas?

Little Johnny thought for a minute, then said, I want a damn trampoline in the front yard.

Santa sighed and set Little Johnny off his lap. Im sorry son, I cant give anything to someone who talks like you do. Im not bringing you anything for Christmas.

Santa then called Johnnys parents over and told them what had happened. They apologized profusely, saying they didnt understand why he talked like that, and they had been trying to break him of the habit with no luck.

I know how to stop it, Santa said. Dont get him anything for Christmas. Just get some dog doo. Put a pile of dog doo in the backyard where he wants the swing set, another pile in the side yard where he wants the sandbox, and another pile in the front yard where he wants the trampoline. That will break him of it.

The parents agreed.

Christmas morning the kid heads downstairs to open their presents. Johnny runs out the back door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the side door, looks around, and comes back in. He runs out the front door, looks around, and comes back in, looking upset.

Whats wrong, son? asked his father. What did Santa bring you?

Little Johnny answered, He brought me a damn dog, but I cant find him!

Little Johnny and his Dad were driving through town one day.

Johnny says, You know Dad, I bet I have had sex with more women than you. His Dad was shocked that Johnny could possibly think this, so he says, Son, theres no way! Ive been on this earth 20 yrs longer than you have, there is no way you have been with more women than I have!.

Johnny replies, Yep, Dad, I think I have. So his Dad thinks for a minute, I tell you what, when we see a woman weve had sex with, well clap. Johnny says o.k.

They continue down the street, Johnny says Hey look, its Betty Lou (clap). His Dad looks, Ya, I know Betty Lou (clap).

Look, says his dad, Theres Sally (clap). Johnny says I know Sally (clap). And theres Jenny (clap). His dad looks, Yes, I know Jenny (clap).

So Johnnys dad says Well, Son, Ive got to hand it to you, you havent done bad for yourself, but Ive got ya beat.

They pull into the driveway, Johnnys dad goes in and says Hi Hon (clap).

And Johnny comes in and says Hi Mom, (clap) Sis, (clap) Grandma (clap)

*** NOTE: This joke may be offensive to some.

STOP HERE if you are offended by religious jokes. ***

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A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.



He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.

So he asked his class, Where is Jesus today?



Steven raised his hand and said, Hes in heaven.

Mary was called on and answered, Hes in my heart.



Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out –

I know! I know! Hes in our bathroom!!!



The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.



And Little Johnny said, Well…every morning, my father gets up,

bangs on the bathroom door, and yells –

Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?!

Little Johnny is walking with his father in the park and they see two dogs locked in a sexual embrace. Little Johnny not understanding what the dogs are doing asks his father, Daddy, what are those two dogs doing? To which the father replies, They are making a puppy!

Later that night Johnny wakes up and walks down the hall to his parents bedroom and catches his mother and father making love. Johnny asks his father, Daddy what are you and mommy doing?

To which the father replies, Johnny we are making you a little sister.

Johnny thinks for a few moments and responds, Well, daddy could you roll her over? Id rather have a puppy!

Little Johnny was at school when the teacher asked the class to come up with a sentence or a story containing the word Lovely.

Well, Little Johnny was waving his hand in the air frantically. The teacher decided not to ask Little Johnny and picked Alice.

Alice got up and said, Today it is sunny outside and the children are playing outside. What a lovely day!

The teacher again did not want to ask Little Johnny who was still waving his hand in the air frantically. The teacher picked Billy to tell his story.

Billy got up and said, I went to my sisters wedding last week. The church was decorated with flowers and ribbons. Everyone remarked that the bride and groom made a lovely couple.

By this time the teacher decided to ask Little Johnny since she could not think of anything he could say wrong with the word lovely in the story.

Little Johnny stood up and told his story. The other day I was sitting at the dinning room table with my family. My sister spoke up and told my dad that she had a new boyfriend.

The teacher thought this was great, Little Johnny had not said anything offensive so she made him continue. Little Johnny continued, She then told my dad that she was pregnant. My dad replied, Lovely, just F***en Lovely.

Dirty Ernie was sitting in his second grade class when he looked out the window and saw two dogs screwing in the school yard. He jumped up and hollered, Hey, everyone! look at that!

The teacher ran to the window and pulled the blind.

A little girl in the front row said, Teacher, what was those two dogs doing?

The teacher said that the dog on top had a broken leg, and the dog on the bottom was helping him get home.

Dirty Ernie then said, Teacher, aint that just like life, you try to help someone out and end up getting screwed?

Little Johnnys dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

Johnny enthusiastically announced that hed gotten a part.

I play a man whos been married for twenty years!, he said cheerfully.

Thats great, son. Keep up the good work! Before you know it, theyll give you a speaking part!

A teacher asks her class to use the word contagious.

Roland, the class swot, gets up and says, Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.

Well done Roland, says the teacher. Can anyone else try?

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails says, My Gran says theres a bug going round and its contagious.

Well done, Katie, says the teacher. Anyone else?

Little Johnny jumps up and says, Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a 4 cm brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious.