Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, Ive lost my dad!

The policeman said, Whats he like?

Little Johnny replied, Beer and women!

One day in the class room the teacher told the class were going to play a moral of the story game.

Instantly Johnny raised his hand, the teacher looked over and thought to herself no I wont pick Johnny hell have something to do with sex or swearing, so the teacher picked Betty.

Betty started by saying, one day I went out to collect the eggs from the chicken coop and dropped them.

The teacher asked and whats the moral to that story?

Betty said dont count your chickens before they hatch.

The teacher looked around the room and deiced alright Johnny.

Johnny started off by saying, one day my dad was in nam his LT. told him he had to take that hill and hold it at all costs, so my dad sat down pounded a 5th a whiskey ran up the hill and killed everybody.

The teacher looked up shocked and said, alright whats the moral of that story?

Johnny simply sat back and said DONT FUCK WITH MY DAD WHEN HES BEEN DRINKING.

Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother for a few days. Hed been playing outside for a while when he came into the house and asked her, Grandma, what is it called when people are sleeping on top of each other?

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. Its called sexual intercourse, darling.

Little Johnny just said, OK and went back outside to play.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! Its called bunk beds!

One day in Language Arts class the children were called to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Little Johnny raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words: Defeat, Defense, Deduct, and Detail. Little Johnny stood, thinking for a while, all eyes focused on him while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he then proudly shouted out, Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail.

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left.

None replied Johnny, cause the rest would fly away.

Well the answer is four said the teacher, but I like the way you are thinking.

Little Johnny says, I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married.

Well said the teacher nervously, I guess the one sucking the cone?

No, said Little Johnny, the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking.

Little Johnny asked his dad what a vagina looks like. His dad said, Well Johnny, before sex it looks like a nice beautiful rose.

Little Johnny asked his dad, Well, then what does it look like after sex?

His dad replied, Well Johnny, have your ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaisse?

Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father, Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow.

The father thought some and said, Okay, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Lets say that Im capitalism because Im the breadwinner. Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?

Little Johnny said, Well, Dad, I dont know, but Ill think about what you said.

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Johnny was woken up by his brothers crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper.

So, he went down the hall to his parents bedroom and found his fathers side of the bed empty and his mother wouldnt wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. Because he couldnt do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, Dad, I think I understand politics much better now.

Excellent, my boy, he answered, What have you learned?

Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the futures full of crap.

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?Little Stevie raised his hand and said I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette. The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie. Little Susie said, I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche. The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, I would want silicone. The teacher said, Silicone? Why silicone Johnny? Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!

Little Johnny is in class. The teacher is going through
the alphabet, having each child think up a word
that starts with a letter. They get to W, and the
teacher figures Little Johnny cant think up
anything dirty with a W so she calls on him.

Womb!, Little Johnny says.

Thats a good word, Johnny, teacher says. Is
that as in where babies come from? she asks.

No, says Johnny, Thats the sound elephants
make when theyre screwing… you know, Womb!
Womb! Womb!

Little Johnny has a question, so he goes around the house to find his

father. He opens his dads bedroom door and finds his mom and dad

humping away on the bed! Dad! says Johnny, What are you doing!

Johhnys father stops humping for a second and says Well, Johnny, Im

playing poker…and your mothers the wild card. Oh,says Johnny and he leaves the room.

Still in need of an answer to his question, Little Johnny set out to

look for his big brother, Ernie. He opens his brothers bedroom door and finds Ernie and his sister Thelma humping away! Ernie! cried Johnny, What are you doing!. Ernie stops humping for a second and says, Well…Im playing poker, Johnny… and Thelma is the wildcard. Oh, says Johnny and he leaves the room.

Later, Johnnys dad approached Johnnys room to call him to dinner. He

opens Johnnys bedroom door and finds Johnny wacking off like it was

going out of style! Johnny! his father said, I see youre playing

poker, but wheres your wildcard?

Johnny replies, With a hand like this, who needs a wildcard!