One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck dinner, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.



He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.





The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.





The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnnys mother and said, Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?





Jane replied, Nothing new, why do you ask?





Well, said Mary, this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary.

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and
girls, and would his mother, please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this. So Johnnys mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. – First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse…Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. -Ok, now take off my skirt… and he takes off her skirt. – Now take off my bra… which he does. -And now, Johnny, please take off my panties. and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, Johnny, PLEASE dont wear any of my clothes to school any more!

Little Jonny asked his mother Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?

Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense? replied by his mother

Little Jonny answered The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary.

There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, were playing house.

They both decided it was time to get married.



So Little Johnny went to Susies dad to ask for her hand in marriage.

Where will you live? asked Susies dad, thinking this was cute.

Well, said Little Johnny, I figured I could just move into Susies room. Its plenty big for both of us.



And how will you live?

I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance.

That should be enough.



Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to know all the answers,

Susies dad asked, And what if little ones come along?



Well, said Little Johnny, weve been lucky so far

Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies?

Mother: Why, a stork, little Johnny.

Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies? Mother: A raven, dear.

Little Johnny: Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all?

Mother: A swallow!

Little Johnny came in from school and asked if he could take his dog, Molly, for a walk.



You cant dear, Mollys in heat, said the mother.



Whats heat, Momma? asked Johnny.



Your dad is out in the garage. You better go ask him, said Momma.



Hey Daddy, I want to take Molly for a walk, but Momma says I cant cause shes in heat. Whats heat?



His dad was cleaning his tools in some gasoline. He took a rag, dipped it in the gasoline and rubbed it all over Mollys rear end. Dont worry about it, son. This will fix her. With that, Little Johnny took Molly for the walk.



About twenty minutes later he returned without the dog.



Wheres Molly? his dad asked.



She ran out of gas about two blocks away, Daddy, answered Little Johnny,



But dont worry: one of the neighbors dogs is pushing her home.

A young mother was having a consultation with a doctor.

As they spoke, her Little Johnny could clearly be heard terrorizing the people in the waiting room – yet she made no attempt to restrain him.

Soon they heard some clattering in an adjoining room, but still she did nothing.

Finally, after an extra-loud crash, the woman casually told the doctor, I hope you dont mind my Little Johnny playing in there.

No, not at all, said the doctor calmly. Not at all. Im sure hell calm down as soon as he finds the poison.

On the television show The Simpsons Bart can occasionally be seen writing on the blackboard as punishment, a sentence hundreds of times. The sentences change all the time. Since Bart is a rather naughty ten year old boy (sort of like Johnny in the Little Johnny Jokes), the sentences take on a life of their own.



Simpsons Chalk Board Writings



I will not carve gods.

I will not spank others.

I will not aim for the head.

I will not barf unless Im sick.

I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.

I saw nothing unusual in the teachers lounge.

I will not conduct my own fire drills.

Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.

Funny noises are not funny.

I will not snap bras.

I will not fake seizures.

This punishment is not boring and pointless.

My name is not Dr.

Death.

I will not defame New Orleans.

I will not prescribe medication.

I will not bury the new kid.

I will not bring sheep to class.

A burp is not an answer.

Teacher is not a leper.

Coffee is not for kids.

I will not eat things for money.

I will not yell shes dead at roll call.

The principals toupee is not a frisbee.

I will not call the principal spud head.

Goldfish dont bounce.

Mud is not one of the four foodgroups.

No one is interested in my underpants.

I will not sell miracle cures.

I will return the seeing eye dog.

I do not have diplomatic immunity.

I will not charge admission to the bathroom.

The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.

All work and no play makes bart a dull boy.

I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.

My homework was not stolen by the one armed man.

I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.

I am not deliciously saucy.

Organ transplants are best left to professionals.

The pledge of allegiance does not end with Hail Satan.

I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.

There are plenty of businesses like show business.

I will not waste chalk.

I will never win an Emmy.

I will not torment the emotionally frail.

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmothers house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

Johnny, wait until we say our prayer, his mother reminded him.

I dont have to, the little boy replied.

Of course you do, his mother insisted, we say a prayer before eating at our house.

Thats at our house, Johnny explained, but this is Grandmas house and she knows how to cook!

Little Johnny has to stay at Grandmas for the weekend. Being an old school gal, bathing Little Johnny with her, Grandma sees no harm. So, there they are in the shower and Johnny points to Grandmas crotch and says, Grandma, whats that?!?

Grandma, somewhat shocked, quickly replies, Thats my beaver, Johnny.

Oh, okay. And this answer seems to appease Johnnys curiousity.

Well, Johnny returns home, and one morning, Mom is running late for work. She decides that to save time, shed bathe Johnny with her. Off to the shower, and once again, Johnny sees something not so familiar to him. Mom, whats that? asks Johnny pointing to Moms nether regions.

Taken back, Mom says, Johnny, thats my beaver.

Johnny replies, I thought so. I think Grandmas is dead. Its tongue is hanging out and its all gray and wrinkled!