SAN DIEGO (AP) — For four decades, a Carlsbad man used fake resumes, degrees and identities to secure a wife, money and several jobs, including one as a fire chief and an accident investigator.

But Robert Fay Garcias secrets are finally out. He was sentenced Thursday in San Diego federal court to 18 months in prison and ordered to pay $56,900 in restitution for collecting Social Security benefits using three identities.

He obtained one alias by claiming he was homeless, even though he lived in a mobile home, officials said.

Throughout his life, 70-year-old Garcia has used at least 38 names, posed as a retired Marine colonel and a former prisoner of war in Korea, said Jim Rogers, a special agent with the Office of Inspector General for the Social Security Administration.

And those are the identities we know about, Rogers said. He was never really who he said he was.

Garcias first conviction involving an alias was in 1958 for forgery. In the 1960s and 1970s, he was in and out of prison on various charges including auto theft, prison escape and aggravated assault. In 1980, he was arrested for using counterfeit military documents, however, he did not appear in court for sentencing.

Garcia has used fake identities to secure many jobs, including security chief at a Laguna Hills hospital, a fire chief in Coachella, a fire captain in Del Mar and a senior accident investigator for the Orange County.

Garcias latest downfall came last year, when his probation officer wondered why the ex-convicts car had license plates issued to veterans who had received combat awards, said Assistant U.S. Attorney Michael Wheat, the prosecutor in the case.

Garcia, who has been married several times, even duped his latest wife, who believed she had married a war hero.

The heads of the four branches of the armed (US) military were standing around one day talking about which service had the biggest balls. After a lengthy debate, the four came to the conclusion demonstrations would have to be used to decide which was the best of the services.

First they went to an Army base. The Army general went up to a young soldier and to him to run through the firing range.

With a quick, Yes, sir! the private took off. Not five steps into his mission, he was hit several times and killed.

The Army general turned to the other three and said, Now THAT takes balls.

Next they arrived at an air base where the Air Force general ordered a young airman to dive out of a plane at 10,000 feet, without a parachute.

The airman said, Yes sir. and off he went. When at the required altitude, the airman hurled himself from the plane. He hit the ground with a nauseating squish.

The Air Force general turned to the other three and said, Now THAT takes balls.

The next stop was a Marine base. The Marine general ordered the first Marine he found to lay down in front of an oncoming tank.

The Marine barked, Yes Sir! and ran out on the field. The tank roared over the poor Marine leaving very little to bury.

The Marine general turned to the other three and said, Now THAT takes balls.

Finally they went to the coast to a naval base. The Navy Admiral walks up to one of the carriers docked at the pier and yells up to a young deck seaman.

Sailor, I want you to jump off that carrier down to the pier where Im standing.

The Sailor looks down at the admiral and said, Pardon me sir?

The admiral replied, I want you to jump off that ship on to the pier.

The Sailor looks down at the seven stories to the pier, turns back to the admiral and says, FUCK YOU SIR!

The admiral turns to the other three with a grin from ear to ear and says, Now THAT takes Balls!

What would happen if suddenly, magically, men could menstruate and women could not?

The answer is clear: menstruation would become an enviable, boast-worthy, masculine event …

Men would brag about how long and how much.

Boys would mark the onset of menses, that longed-for proof of manhood, with religious ritual and stag parties.

Congress would fund a National Institute of Dysmenorrhea to help stamp out monthly discomforts.

Sanitary supplies would be federally funded and free. (Of course, some men would still pay for the prestige of commercial brands such as John Wayne Tampons, Muhammed Alis Rope-a-dope Pads, Joe Namath Jock Shields – For Those Light Bachelor Days, and Robert Baretta Blake Maxi-Pads.)

Military men, right-wing politicians, and religious fundamentalists would cite menstruation (MENstruation) as proof that only men could serve in the army (you have to give blood to take blood), occupy political office (can women be aggressive without that steadfast cycle governed by the planet Mars?), be priests and ministers (how could a woman give her blood for our sins), or rabbis (without the monthly loss of impurities, women remain unclean).

Male radicals, left-wing politicians, and mystics, however, would insist that women are equal, just different; and that any woman could enter their ranks if only she were willing to self-inflict a major wound every month (you MUST give blood for the revolution), recognize the preeminence of menstrual issues, or subordinate her selfness to all men in their Cycle of Enlightenment.

Street guys would brag (Im a three-pad man) or answer praise from a buddy (Man, you are lookin good) by high-fiving and saying, Yeah, man, Im on the rag!

TV shows would treat the subject at length. (Happy Days: Richie and Potsie try to convince Fonzie that he is still The Fonz, though he has missed two periods in a row.) So would newspapers. (SHARK SCARE THREATENS MENSTRUATING MEN. JUDGE CITES MONTHLY STRESS IN PARDONING RAPIST.) And movies. (Newman and Redford in Blood Brothers!)

Men would try to convince women that intercourse was more pleasurable at that time of the month.

Lesbians would be said to fear blood and therefore life itself – though probably only because they needed a good menstruating man.

Of course, male intellectuals would offer the most moral and logical arguments. How could a woman master any discipline that demanded a sense of time, space, mathematics, or measurement, for instance, without that in-built gift for measuring the cycles of the moon and planets – and thus for measuring anything at all? In the rarefied fields of philosophy and religion, could women compensate for missing the rhythm of the universe? Or for their lack of symbolic death-and-resurrection every month?

Liberal males in every field would be kind to women: the fact that these people have no gift for measuring life or connecting the universe, the liberals would explain, that should be punishment enough.

… via RIBTICKLERS

I heard this one from a dissident that our local Amnesty International
group got out:

Through the center of Czechoslovakia there a train speeding along. In one
compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young
woman, an old matronly woman, a Russian soldier, and a Czech dissident.

Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel.

It is completely dark.

Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap.

When the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is holding the side of his
face, and the Czech dissident is grinning his face off.

The old matronly woman thinks : Now thats a fine young woman, the Russian
soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!

The young woman is thinking : Now thats a strange Russian soldier, hed
rather kiss that old hag than me.

The Russian soldier is thinking : Now thats a smart Czech, he steals the kiss
and I get slapped.

And the Czech dissident is thinking : Gee Im smart! We go through the
tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping a
Russian soldier.

Steven R Weintraub

LETTER HOME

Dear Dad, read the young soldiers first letter home. I cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday I shot a polar bear …
v
Several months later came another letter. Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday I danced with a hula girl …

Two weeks later came yet another note. Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday the doctor told me I should have danced with the polar bear and shot the hula girl …