From Thats Life, by Edward Dolnick in The Atlantic,
January, 1990, reviewing a newsletter called View from the
Ledge, which is produced by one Chuck Shepherd:

Long before Robert Borks name was well known, for
example, Bork had surfaced in View from the Ledge.
The Civil Rights Act routinely has been interpreted
to prohibit sexual harassment of employees,
Shepherd wrote in 1985, but Judge Robert Bork of
the US Court of Appeals . . . now reports that his
court says only such harassment by heterosexuals and
homosexuals is covered–but not that by bisexual
employers, who in theory do not discriminate among
their targets on the basis of gender.

At a San Francisco art exhibition, a young woman was staring at a painting of
three completely naked black men sitting on a park bench.

What was so unusual about the painting was that the men on the ends of the bench
had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.

While the woman was scratching her head trying to understand the inner meaning
of the painting, the artist sauntered by and noticed her state of confusion…

Can I help you with this painting? he asked.

Well, yes, said the woman, I was curious about this picture of the black men
on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?

Oh, smiled the artist, Im afraid youve completely misinterpreted the
meaning of the painting… The three men are not Africans, theyre English coal
miners – and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch!

"Yes" = No

"No" = Yes

"Maybe" = No

"Im sorry." = Youll be sorry

"We need" = I want

"Its your decision" = The correctdecision should be obvious by now.

"Do what you want"  = Youllpay for this later.

"We need to talk"  = I needto complain.

"Sure… go ahead"  = I dontwant you to.

"Im not upset"  = Of courseIm upset, you moron!

"Youre … so manly"  = Youneed a shave and you sweat a lot.

"Youre certainly attentivetonight"  = Is sex all you ever think about?

"Be romantic, turn out the lights"= I have flabby thighs.

"This kitchen is so inconvenient"  = I want a new house.

"I want new curtains"  = andcarpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…..

"Hang the picture there" = NO, Imean hang it there!

"I heard a noise"  = Inoticed you were almost asleep.

"Do you love me?"  = Imgoing to ask for something expensive.

"How much do you love me?"  =I did something today youre really not going to like.

"Ill be ready in a minute."  = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

"Is my butt fat?"  = Tell meIm beautiful.

"You have to learn tocommunicate."  = Just agree with me.

"Are you listening to me!?"  = [Too late, youre dead.]

"Was that the baby?" = Why dontyou get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

"Im not yelling!"  = Yes Iam yelling because I think this is important.

A family with 2 grown up boys would go visit theit grandmother every year for x-mas and the grandma would always make cookies but someone would always eat the cookie dough before she could bake the cookies. so one year she put some bebes in the cookie dough. she would be able to figue out who kept eating the cookie dough. the next morning one of the boys came down and said,grandma, i was brushing my teeth and i puked out bebes! just then the other boy came in and said,grandma, i was jacking off in the barn and i shot a bebe out of my penis and killed a cow!.

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

Im sorry = Youll be sorry.

We need. = I want

Its your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = Youll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain.

Sure, go ahead = I dont want you to.

Im not upset = Of course Im upset, you moron!

Youre . . . so manly = You need a shave and new deodorant.

Youre cretainly attractive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so incovenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = Im going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today youre really not going to like.

Ill be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes find a good game on TV

Is my butt fat? = Tell me Im beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, youre dead

Was that the baby? = Get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

Im not yelling! = es, I am yelling, because I think this is important

More commonly known as gangsta lingo

Afford
I wanted to buy a Cadillac, but then had to settle for afford.

Anus
The policeman told me and my friend Jerome they be looking for the two guys
that held up the liquor store and we said – anus.

Assert
On the way home from work, I always take assert so my old lady dont smell
liquor on my breath.

Baghdad
I always wondered what was in the Baghdad use to drink out of when he was
sitting on the front porch.

Battery
The coach told my cousin Reggie he better start swinging the battery wont
be in the line up tomorrow.

Beware
I asked the man at the employment office, is this beware I find be a job?

Button
My girlfriend Juanita bought some leopard skin stretch pants. I said girl,
you wont get you button em.

Catacomb
I went to the Douglas/Hollyfield fight and sat next to Don King: man,
someone oughta get that catacomb.

Clothesline
When I came home late again, I found my clothesline on the porch.

Coatroom
The judge said, one more outburst like that and Ill have the bailiff clear
the coatroom.

Connoisseur
I says to my friend Ramone, man you really stink today, what connoisseur did
you crawl out of?

Copulate
I called 911 and an hour later when they showed up, I said copulate.

Data
At my basketball game the other night, I score a triple double and my coach
said data boy Darnell.

Decide
My favorite girls are Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to keep a couple on
decide.

Derange
Derange is where the deer and the antelope play.

Dimension
A lot of you ladies been calling in wondering what Darnell look like. Well,
hes tall, dark, handsome, not dimension hung like a horse.

Disappointment
My parole officer told me, if I miss disappointment, hes going to send me
back to the big house.

Fascinate
My sister Wolanda bought a sweater with ten buttons on it, but her tits are
so big, she can only fascinate.

Foreclose
If I dont pay my alimony this month, Ill have more money foreclose.

Formaldehyde
The police came to my door looking for my cousin Melvin. I told them there
aint no place formaldehyde in the house, it be too small.

Fortify
I asked this bitch down on 6 Mile – How much? She said fortify dollars,
honey.

Homo
The bitch Im living with called me at the bar the other night. She said
Darnell, honey, are you coming homo what?

Honor
At our rape trial the judge asked my buddy Jarvis, who be honor?

Horde
My mama always did have a bad reputation cause she horde around in her
school.

Income
My girlfriend and I just got into bed, when income my wife.

July
After the trial, my mama asked me, did you tell the truth or July?

Letter
The ugly bitch downstairs came knocking on Darnells door the other night
and I wouldnt letter in.

Manual
I told my buddy Tyrone, manual get yourself in trouble if you keep messing
with that hoe.

Menstruate
With the fashions today you cant keep the women and menstruate.

Odyssey
When I got back from the Windsor Ballet, I told my friends, you odyssey the
tits on that babe.

Oral
My friend Sebastian said, give me 25 cents oral blow your head off.

Oreo
I told my friend, Alonzo, if he wanted my sister, he could pay me 50 bucks
now oreo me 100 bucks on Friday.

Orgasm
I asked my cousin Dexter about the death penalty in his state. I asked if
they electrocute em, hand, orgasm.

Penis
I saw my parole officer the other day and he handed me a little paper cup
and said, here penis.

Polyp
On my way home from the Pistons game the other night, I was involved in a
five-car polyp on I-75.

Rectum
I had two Cadillacs, but my girlfriend rectum both.

Seldom
I had two extra tickets to the basketball game the other night, so I seldom
to my friend.

Semen
I never did know who my papa was cause my mama semen left and right.

Sodomy
When I go out at night, I like to have a bitch on one sodomy and another
bitch on the other sodomy.

Stain
My sister and brother-in-law stopped by the other day, so I asked them, you
plannin on stain?

Undermine
Theres a fine looking bitch living in the apartment right undermine.

Urinal
After the police broke down my front door last night, they said, Darnell,
urinal lot of trouble.

Widen
When my girlfriend, Larina, told me she was pregnant I said, widen you tell
me you didnt use no birth control?

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?

Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.

Man: So what happened thats so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but thats not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm…

Farmer: Some things you just cant explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didnt have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in….. 

There are more jokes like this at http://humorshack.com

The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, Ive found a woman just like mother! His father replied, So what do you want from me, sympathy?

The high divorce rates in America indicate that the U.S. is still the Land of the Free, but your marriage demonstrates that we also remain the Home of the Brave!

The man says: With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow. (Book of Common Prayer)

The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.

If you are the best man at a wedding there is always my favorite toast:

The screwing youll get is going to be worth the screwing youll get.

I didnt have the guts to use it at the wedding but it got a lot of laughs at the bachelor party.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.

The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men dont mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.

The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal, a little bit of breast, a little bit of leg…and a lot of stuffing!!!

The woman cries before wedding; the man afterward.

Their marriage is a wonderful partnership. Hes the silent one.

There is something magical about the fact that success almost always comes faster to the guy your wife almost married.

They were married on the cricket field, that night they were quite wicket, the bride said with a happy smile, Im sure this cant be cricket.

Think how much fun you could have with the doctors wife and a bucket of apples.

This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.

To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother. I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.

To the bride: To be happy in your marriage, you should approach each day as if it were the first day of your honeymoon and the last day of your period.

Treat him like a flower…grab him by the stalk.

Treat the bride like a new car, go easy for the first

500.

Two passing ships making matrimonial knots while fouled in each others stern line, recommended inter between course 69 Stop. Happy voyage, bottoms up.

We are curious to know why you both wanted to borrow the black leather boots and bullwhip?

Weeping bride, laughing wife; laughing bride, weeping wife.

When the best man is reading the telegrams: From your friends on the H.M.C.S. Harmen, At ten o clock, please report position and depth.

When god made man he made em out of string, He had a little left over so he left a little thing, When god made women he made em out of lace, He didnt have enough so he left a little space, Heres to space!

Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.

You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.

Your TV viewing on your wedding night will be… Firstly, The Marriage Game, Followed by, Great Temptation, The Untouchables, Mission Impossible, The Time is Right, Rawhide and Bonanza.

The rising sun may kiss the grass, The clock may kiss the hours that pass The flowing wine may kiss the glass, And you my friends… Drink Hearty!

When a woman gets to the better or worse part of the wedding ceremony, shes already experienced the better part.

Propose this toast: John, you are a lucky groom; youve got Mary. Shes beautiful, smart, funny, warm, and loving. Mary, youve got….John.

To Space When God made Man, He made him out of string. He had a little left over, So, he made a little thing.

When God made Woman, He made her out of lace. He didnt have enough, So, he left a little space. To Space.

Sayings To Write With Shaving Cream On The Newlywed Car To Bed or Bust She got him today – Hell get her tonight Just living together