•Include your children when baking cookies!

•Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

•Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

•British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

•Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

•A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

•Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

•For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

•For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

•Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

•Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

•Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory

•Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

•We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

•No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

•For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

•Great Dames for sale.

•Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

•Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

•20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

•Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

•Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

•If you think youve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

•Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

•The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

•Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

•Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

•Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

•Stock up and save. Limit: one.

•Save regularly in our bank. Youll never reget it.

•We build bodies that last a lifetime. Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.

•This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.

•For Sale–Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

•For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

•Man, honest. Will take anything.

•Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

•Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

•Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

•Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

•Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

•Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

•Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

•Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

•3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

•Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

•Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

•Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, youll never go anywhere again.

•See ladies blouses. 50% off!

•Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

•Illiterate? Write today for free help.

•Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

•Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

•Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

•Mothers helper–peasant working conditions.

•Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

•And now, the Superstore–unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

•We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

A Priest gets a call from one of his golfing buddies on a Saturday afternoon. Weve got a tee time at 3:00 and need a fourth…can you make it?

Sadly the priest tells his friend that he has to hear confessions and cannot make it. His friend urges him to get a substitute. Well, being the only priest in this parish, he hasnt many choices. As he ponders his dilemma, he sees the custodian cleaning the church.

Hey, Joe…can you help me out?? He explains his dilemma and asks Joe if he would hear confessions for him.

Oh, no I wouldnt have any idea what to do!!.

Joe, dont worry…I have this card, you see. When someone confesses their sin, you look on the card…find the sin…and follow it over to the appropriate penance…its that simple…here comes the first penetant…try it!!

So Joe goes into the confessional and the first penetant comes in and kneels before the screen…Bless me Father…I have sinned…I have had impure thoughts.

Joe looks at the list…finds Impure Thoughts and orders: Say two

Our Fathers, three Hail Marys.and go forth and sin no more.

Thank you, Father,replies the penetant.

Hey…this is easy!!

The next one comes in. Bless me father. I have sinned. I have

fornicated.

Fornication…fornication…cant find it…oh there it is on the back.

Say 10 Our Fathers, 15 Hail Marys. and go forth and sin no more..

Thank you, Father.

Then the third arrives. Bless me Father, I have sinned. I have had oral sex.

Oral sex? Oral sex? Its not on the card! Joe is in a panic. He looks out and sees an altar boy getting ready for mass.

Pssst…Jimmy…cmere!! What does Father OBrien give for Oral Sex?

The boy replies…A Snickers and a Coke. Why?

Theres this king in a far away land, revered and respected by his people and known for his generosity all around. He had a very beautiful wife, the pride of the land. It was said that even the moon would shy away from the sky when she came out into the night.

The king loved her deeply, and couldnt stay away from her for even a moment. It was not surprising, therefore, when the king had to go to battle to help a neighbouring land, he was very sad about leaving her alone. But she, like a good wife, built his confidence, and said: Go, duty beckons you. I shall be fine.

And so he went, only to find out that he was not needed, and the enemy had already been routed. Ecstatic at being reunited with his wife sooner than he thought, he rushed back to the palace, and went straight into the bedroom. To his astonishment, he found his wife lying naked in bed, and his most trusted Prime Minister on top of her, giving gratification. Enraged at the bitter betrayal, he pulled out his gleaming sword from its sheath, and proceeded towards the bed, screaming: Get off, you swine!

The Prime Minister, obviously startled at being caught, stumbled off the bed, his still erect penis glistening in the moonlight through the window.

This enraged the king even further, who attacked the traitors organ with his sword, only to hear a resounding Clang as the metal bounced off the reddened male hardness. Surprised, the King had another go… Clang! The Kings amazement knew no bounds, at something which so defied logic, and so he tried again. This time, the sword, not being able to withstand the shearing stress, broke into two, and fell to the floor.

Moral of the story – Pen is mightier than the sword!

There was a newlywed that just got back from there honeymoon and they where all ways having sex and one night they where babysiting there friends baby and they did not want to say things like you want to have sex a round the baby so the girl said from here on we say did you leave the dryer door open that night the guy said did you leave the dryer door open and she said no… i closed it later the girl woke up and said no i think i left the dryer do open and the guy said no it was a small load and i did it by hand.

A man just had a heart transplant and was getting instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and alcohol, and advised to get at least eight hours sleep a night.What about my sex life? asked the patient. Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?Only with your wife, said the doctor. We dont want you to get too excited.

A young boy comes in from playing with his friend to ask his father a question. Dad, what is a penis?

I will show you, the father says, unzipping his fly. That, my son, is a perfect penis.

The boy returns to his young playmate outside. So? What did your father say? the friend asks.

The young boy unzips his pants and says, This is a penis – and if it was four inches shorter it would be a *perfect* penis.

10. I think of you as a brother.Translation: You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in Deliverance. 9. Theres a slight difference in our ages. Translation: I dont want to do my dad. 8. Im not attracted to you in that way. Translation: You are the ugliest dork Ive ever laid eyes on. 7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: I dont want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys Im seeing.6. Ive got a boyfriend. Translation: I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerrys. 5. I dont date men where I work.Translation: I wouldnt date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building. 4. Its not you, its me.Translation: Its you.3. Im concentrating on my career. Translation: Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you. 2. Im celibate. Translation: Ive sworn off only the men like you. 1. Lets be friends. Translation: I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. Its the male perspective thing. Top 10 Male Rejection Lines (Translated!)10. I think of you as a sister. Translation: Youre ugly.9. Theres a slight difference in our ages.Translation: Youre ugly.8. Im not attracted to you in that way. Translation: Youre ugly. 7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: Youre ugly. 6. Ive got a girlfriend. Translation: Youre ugly. 5. I dont date women where I work.Translation: Youre ugly. 4. Its not you, its me. Translation: Youre ugly. 3. Im concentrating on my career. Translation: Youre ugly. 2. Im celibate.Translation: Youre ugly. 1. Lets be friends. Translation: Youre sinfully ugly.

Why do a married man and his single male friend envy each other?

Each one thinks the other is having sex more often.

AOL:

America Online, this is Sue speaking.



Caller:

Hi, I have some questions about American Online before I join.



AOL:

Okay, maam, whats your question?



Caller:

Well, some of my friends who have AOL say they get something called cybersex… does this cost extra?



AOL:

:::quiet laugh in the background::: Well maam… I dont know how to explain this, but cybersex is not part of America Online.



Caller:

Oh really? My friends said

they got it from AOL.



AOL:

Well its something members typically do when they go to a chat room.



Caller:

Hmmmm…I dont understand, what is cybersex??



AOL:

Im sorry, I really dont

know how to explain it.



Caller:

Hmmm..well, have you

ever had cybersex?



AOL:

Maam, I dont think thats an appropriate question to be asking me. Is there anything else you need?



Caller:

Sorry, like I said I dont even

know what it is.



AOL:

Thats okay maam,

anything else?



Caller:

Yes, I have one more question.



AOL:

Go ahead…



Caller:

What are you wearing?



AOL:

click

(According to reliable sources this is a true story.)

STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL FROM THE SECRET ARCHIVE FILES RETAINED AT NASA. NOT TO BE
RELEASED TO THE PRESS.

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not
only gave his famous One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
statement, but followed it by several remarks, usual COM traffic between him,
the other Astronauts and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he
made the enigmatic remark, Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet
Cosmonaut. However through the years and upon checking the records, there was no
Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many
colleagues have questiones him as to what the Good luck, Mr. Gorsky statement
meant.

On July 5th, 1995 in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a
briefing, an official from the Space program brought up the 26-year-old question
to Mr. Armstrong, he finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died early
in April this year and so Armstrong felt that he could answer the question.

When he was a child, Neil Armstrong was playing baseball with his brother in the
backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which travelled approximately 500 meters
and landed in front of his neighbours bedroom window. The neighbours were Mr.
and Mrs. Gorsky, it was Neil Armstrong who jumped over their fence and found the
baseball, as he leaned down to pick the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at
Mr. Gorsky, Oral sex? Oral sex you want? Youll get oral sex when the kid next
door walks on the moon!