On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the familys only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her – how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, Ive seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you. The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river. Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right. While the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.The young son replied, Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row? The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row? And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement where she finally found her husband crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing. Whats wrong with you? she asked him.

Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were sixteen? he replied. And remember he said I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next twenty years in prison.

Baffled, she said, Yes, I remember, so what?

The husband sobbed, I would have gotten out today.

This one, also, comes from Sam Sexton, in Coventry.

This is more of a visual joke, as actions should accompany the words, but Ill
leave those to your imagination….

A deaf couple are getting married, and the man decides that they should make
sure from the start that they understand important matters, so he explains
to his bride:

When I want sex with you, I will squeeze your left breast once.

When I do not want sex with you, I will squeeze your right breast twice.

When you want sex with me, you should pull my penis once.

When you do not want sex with me, you should pull my penis fifty-five times.

Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been known as restrooms, bathrooms, outhouses, commodes, mens rooms, and several other names.

As with any exclusive organization, wholly half the human race arent allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.

General rules:

1. Dont talk to somebody you dont know. You may chat quietly with an acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.

2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely dont spend a significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.

3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.

4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep looking around. Read graffiti.

Grafitti rules:

5. All graffiti is anonymous. If theres any chance somebody can trace your graffiti back to you, dont do it.

6. Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable.

7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few, restraint comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries. If visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to use the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.

8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress. Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed. Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity.

9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.

10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management of the bathroom.

Urinal rules:

11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside. When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid standing directly next to somebody at all costs.

For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations: X……(X = occupied, . = empty) X…..X X..X..X X.X.X.X XXX.X.X

HOW TO ADDRESS A NON SEXIST BUSINESS LETTER
By Andrew Berman

Let us look at the standard opening phrase of a standard business letter:

Dear Sir,

Well, this is clearly sexist as it precludes the possibility that a
woman is reading the letter. We can try to fix this, however, by
writing:

Dear Sir/Madam,

This was suggested in a recent posting in a few of the gender-issue
related news groups. However, someone pointed out that by putting the
masculine title before the feminine one, unacceptable dominance was
demonstrated, making this non-PC. So, I tried to fix it:

Dear Madam/Sir,

Well, this is no good since were showing dominance in the other
direction. Of course, since Men are Oppressors and Womyn are
Oppressees, that may not be so bad. But its not really PC, is it?
Ok, lets try again:

Dear Sir
Madam,

Well, that solves the problem of who goes first. Of course, the Sir
is on top now, which is completely unacceptable. Missionary style
het-sexist imagery abounds. Very bad news, probably worse than the
original. Ok, what about:

Dear Madam
Sir,

Well, I was once told that men laying on their back during sex was
sexist as they were making women do all the work. Besides, you still
have one on top of the other showing dominance. We may not sure whos
doing what, but somebody is being oppressed here. Next:

Dear MadSiram,

Put the Sir inside the Madam, ok, neither is going first and neither
is above the other one. Ok? NO! This is terrible! The Sir has
inserted himself inside the Madam! Practically splitting her in two
with himself! How pornographic!! A man writing a letter addressed like
this to a woman is obviously making an (unwanted) sexual advance. If
he were at Antioch college, hed be suspended for a year and have to
go through rehabilitation. Catherine MacKinnon would have a fit!

Dear SMadamir,

Now we put the Madam inside the Sir. Oh, now the Sir has enveloped
the Madam! Horrors, she has lost her identity, her sense of self!
This is imprisonment! Ugh, how could I have even thought of this
one?? Im so ashamed!

Well, theres only one answer left:

To Whom it May Concern

There. Simple, no reference to sex or sexuality, no problems. Not
very friendly, but then again unwanted intimacy is a sin. And getting
rid of friendliness is a small price to pay to make sure that
absolutely no-one is ever, ever offended.

What do most women miss most about being single?

Having sex!

Prior to her trip to Texas, Virginia had confided to her sorority sisters she had three goals for her trip the Lone Star State.She had wanted to taste some real Texas Barbecue, take in a bona fide Texas Rodeo and have sex with a Texan. Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared. Let me tell you, Buffy, she confided, they have an indigenous bush down there called Mesquite – and when they slow cook that brisket over that mesquite wood, wow! That beef not only melts in your mouth, the taste is beyond belief! And the men? I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes! These guys wrestle real full-grown bulls like in Spain. Except they ride a horse at full gallop, throw a rope on these huge bulls, then jump off the horse and literally grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground, and tie em up. And thats not all! Its a race! They ALL do it and only the fastest gets prize money!Virginia! Come on, tell us! You said you wanted to make love to a Texan! What happened? Well, Virginia admitted, Ill admit, I was tempted, but when I was at the rodeo and I saw the outline of the condoms in the back pocket of those Texans jeans, I changed my mind!

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.

Child: Mother, where do babies come from?

Mom: Well dear…a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room…they kiss and hug and have sex.(The daughter looks puzzled.)

Mom continues: That means the daddy puts his penis in mommys vagina. Thats how you get a baby, honey.

Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into your and daddys room, you had daddys penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

Mom: Jewelry, dear.

Im Glad Im A Woman

Im glad Im a woman, yes I am, yes I am

I dont live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam

I dont brag to my buddies about my erections

I wont drive to Hell before I ask for directions

I dont get wasted at parties and act like a clown

and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I wont grab your hooters, I wont pinch your butt

my belt buckles not hidden beneath my beer gut

and I dont go around readjusting my crotch

or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch

I dont belch in public, I dont scratch my behind

Im a woman you see — Im just not that kind!

Im glad Im a woman, Im so glad I could sing

I dont have body hair like shag carpeting

It doesnt grow from my ears or cover my back

When I lean over you cant see 3 inches of crack

And whats on my head doesnt leave with my comb

Ill never buy a toupee to cover my dome

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

Im a woman, you know — Ive got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me

to have these two boobs and squat when I pee

I dont live to play golf and shoot basketball

I dont swagger and spit like a Neanderthal

I wont tell you my wife just does not understand

stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band

or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep

then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, Im glad Im a woman, a woman you see

you can forget all about that old penis envy

I dont long for male bonding, I dont cruise for chicks

join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick

Im a woman by chance and Im thankful its true

Im so glad Im a woman and not a man like you!

(taken from http://www.yahoo.com/headlines/970126/news/stories/china_1.html

>Sunday January 26 6:52 AM EST
>
>China Gives Reporters New Reporting Rules
>
>BEIJING (Reuter) – China tightened its grip on the media on Sunday with
>directives on how to write news, ordering journalists not to advocate
>sex, violence and superstition and to fill their reports with
>patriotism and socialism.

Heres an example of how this works:

In the news, there were no crimes of sex, violence and superstition in
China today. At approximately 9:19 PM last night, however, Beijing
residents reported hearing screams of patriotism and socialism coming
from Tienamien square as army tanks rumbled through to quell a domestic
game of Mah Jhong, the national game and a favorite past time of many
happy patriotic, socialist residents.