Q. How can you tell that Grandmas sex drive is alive and well?

A. She keeps baking those Viagra Chip Cookies!

10) They call me Don Juan in diaper.9) Im a 400 pound hunk of burnin love.8) Lets enjoy the traditional Japanese custom of gettin it on.7) Wanna wrassle?6) I may look tubby, but I got an ass like a jackhammer.5) People say I look like a young Paul Newman.4) Wanna do it with a fat guy?3) Im 3 percent muscle, 50 percent fat, and 100 percent sex machine.2) You can be on top.1) Ive got Mount Fuji in my pants

Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a
stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit… Chris: – I reckon hes an accountant. James: – No way – hes a stockbroker. Chris: – He aint no stockbroker ! A stockbroker wouldnt come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the
better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees
that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder… Chris: – Scuse me…. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: – No offence taken ! Im a Logical Scientist by profession ! Chris: – Oh ! Whats that then ? Suit: – Ill try to explain by example …Do you have a goldfish at home? Chris: – Er … mmm … well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit: – Well, its logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Chris: – Its in a pond! Suit: – Well then its reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then? Chris: – As it happens, yes I have got a big garden! Suit: – Well then its logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house? Chris: – As it happens Ive got a five bedroom house… built it myself! Suit: – Well given that youve built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you havent built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? Chris: – Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children. Suit: – Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Chris: – Yep! Four nights a week! Suit: – Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often? Chris: – Me? Never Suit: – Well there you are!

A man and his son are having the talk. In the middle of the fathers lecture, the son asks Dad…what does a pussy look like before sex? The father answers Well Im glad you asked…it looks like a rose garden in the middle of spring. The child is still puzzled, so he asks What does it look after sex? The father pats him on the back and says Son…have you ever seen a dog eat mayonnaise?

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These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the
clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to
the first tee.

My son, says one, has made quite a name for himself in the home building
industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction
firm. Hes so successful, in fact, that in the last year he was able to give a
good friend a brand new home as a gift.

The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car
salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. Hes so successful, in fact,
that in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift.

The third mans son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage. And in the
last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been
discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

To tell the truth, Im not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he
replies. For fifteen years, hes been a hairdresser, and Ive just recently
discovered hes a practicing homosexual. But on the bright side, he must be good
at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new
house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates.

The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
Nothing improves with age.
No matter how many times youve had it, if its offered take it, because itll never be quite the same again.
Sex has no calories.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
Sex appeal is 50% what youve got and 50% what people think youve got.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Virginity can be cured.
When a mans wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she cant stand years later.
Sex is dirty only if its done right.
It is always the wrong time of month.
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night – Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
The younger the better.
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Before you find your handsome prince, youve got to kiss a lot of frogs.
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
Love your neighbor, but dont get caught.
Love is a hole in the heart.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
Do it only with the best.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Thou shalt not commit adultery… unless in the mood.
Never lie down with a woman whos got more troubles than you.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
Never argue with a women when shes tired – or rested.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldnt.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Never say no.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesnt love her.
Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
Love comes in spurts.
The world does not revolve on an axis.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
Dont do it if you cant keep it up.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
This wont hurt, I promise.

I heard this story from a Unitarian minister, who swore up and
down that it was true. The young man in question is one of his
parishoners.

A young man, in the course of his college life, came to terms
with his homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet. His plan
was to tell his mother first; so on his next home visit, he went to the
kitchen, where his mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden
spoon. Rather nervously, he explained to her that he had realized he
was gay.

Without looking up from her stew, his mother said, You mean,
homosexual?

Well…yes.

Still without looking up: Does that mean you suck mens penises?

Caught off guard, the young man eventually managed to stammer an
embarrassed affirmative; whereupon his mother turned to him and,
brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under his nose, snapped:

Dont you EVER complain about my cooking again!

Grandpa is running around in the nursing home with his privates hanging out of his pants screaming : My penis just died, my penis just died!

The nurses calm him down,and he goes back to his room. The next day, grandpa is running around again with his privates hanging out, so the nurse asks him: I thought you said yesterday that your penis died. What happened?

Grandpa replies: Yes, it did… but today is the viewing!