My husband, my kids, and I were on vacation in a quaint resort town. There was a local there who gave carriage rides to sightseers. He had his horse parked outside the ice cream parlor as I was exiting with my husband and my four old daughter.

Now, I am embarrassed to say this, but this horse was experiencing an erection, and my daughter was fascinated.

As a bunch of tourists gathered around the horse, feeding and petting him, my daughter yelled out, Daddy! This horse has a penis – like you!

I was mortified until I noticed that the women in the crown seemed to be staring at me with envy.

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.

Doctor, she asks nervously, can you get pregnant from anal sex?

Certainly, replies the doctor, Where do you think lawyers come from!

Source: Time Magazine, page 79, issue date: October 14, 1991

Pick one from each column (3 – 5 – 1 – 4: Handicapped sex addicts
married to organ donors)

Overweight Incest victims Married to Alcoholics
Battered Couples Raped by Serial killers
Handicapped Prostitutes Who murdered Their fathers
Homosexual AIDS suffers In love with Organ donors
Unwed Sex addicts Writing books about Madonna

Submitters comment:
Gives a whole new meaning to buzz word generators!!

A man asked the waiter for a look at the dessert menu, which the waiter
produced from a special pouch in his uniform. The man ordered a
desert, and the waiter relayed the information to the kitchen via a
special communications device built into his wrist watch. When desert
arrived, the man was without a spoon. The waiter produced one from
his breast pocket.

The man was amazed. He asked the waiter how it is that the waiter is
so well prepared to handle every problem without ever having to return
to the kitchen. The waiter answered that the owner is an efficiency
expert who wanted everything to run without a wasted moment.

The man asked the purpose of the string tied to every waiters
trousers. The waiter replied that, when he uses the urinal, he avoids
dirtying his hands (and therefore doesnt need to waste time washing
them). He simply pulls the string, and his penis pops out.

The man asked the waiter how he gets his penis back in. The waiter
replied,

Thats easy…. I use the spoon.

You might be a Republican if…..1. Youre a pro-lifer but support the death penalty.2. Youve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.3. Youve ever uttered the phrase Why dont we just
bomb the sons of bitches?4. Youve ever called a secretary or waitress Honey.5. You dont think The Simpsons is all that funny, but
you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.6. You dont let your kids watch Sesame Street because
you accuse Bert and Ernie of sexual deviance.7. You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit.8. You scream Dit-dit-ditto while making love.9. Youve argued that art has a moral foundation set in Western values.10. You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.11. You argue that you need 300 handguns in case a bear
ever attacks your home.12. Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.13. You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of
the end of racism in America.14. Youve ever said Clean air? Looks clean to me.15. Youve ever referred to Anita Hill as that lying
bitch while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.16. Youve ever called education a luxury.17. You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.18. You own a vehicle with an Ollie North: American
Hero sticker.19. Youre afraid of the liberal media.20. You ever based an argument on the phrase, Well,
tradition dictates …21. Youve ever called the National Endowment for the
Arts a bunch of pornographers.22. You think all artists are gay.23. You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesnt want to contribute to society.
You might be a Democrat if…..Virtually anyone can be a Democrat. Just simply quit thinking and vote that way. But if you want to be a GOOD Democrat, there are some prerequisites you must

What did the man say to the toothpaste model after she gave him oral sex?

Im hungry = Im hugnry
 

 
Im sleepy = Im sleepy
 

 
Im tired = Im tired
 

 
Do you want to go to a movie? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.
 

 
Can I take you out to dinner? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.
 

 
Can I call you sometime? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.
 

 
May I have this dance? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.
 

 
Nice Dress! = Nice Body!
 

 
You look tense; let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.
 

 
Whats wrong? = dont see why you are making such a big deal of this.
 

 
Whats wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted trauma are you going through now?
 

 
Whats wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
 

 
Im bored = Do you want to have sex?
 

 
I love you = Lets have sex now
 

 
I love you, too = Okay, I said it . . . wed better have sex now!
 

 
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
 

 
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = Fifty bucks and it doesnt even look different!
 

 
Lets talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then youd like to have sex with me.
 

 
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
 

 
(while shopping) I like that one better = Pick any freakin dress and lets go home!

A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said, Sweetheart, lets do the same thing we did here forty years ago.
The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence and they made love like never before.
Back in the car, the guy says, Darling, you sure never moved like that forty years ago – or any time since that I can remember!
The woman says, Forty years ago that fence wasnt electrified!

Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with truth.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyles Law or some
variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they
do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving
into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume
that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the
different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there
are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth
and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to
increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyles Law states that in
order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of
the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

Case 1: If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell
breaks loose.

Case 2: If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa Banyan during
my freshman year, it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you and
take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual
relations with her, then case 2 cannot be true.

Thus, hell is exothermic.

Men, want to know where you stand in the rough-and-tumble, give-and-take
world of relationships? Heres your score card from the Mens Journal
of Health.

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and
points are subtracted. You dont get any points for doing something she
expects– sorry, thats the way the game is played.

Simple Duties

You make sure theres plenty of gas in the car +1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes
in the car to make it to the nearest gas station -1
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb. +1
You take out the recyclables at 4:30 pm, just as the truck
pulls away. -1
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish +1
You leave them under the bed -5
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners
with wings. +5
But return with beer. -5
You leave the toilet seat up -1
You replace the toilet-paper roll when its empty 0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex. -1
When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly
to the next bathroom -2
You make the bed +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1
You check out a suspicious noise at night. 0
You check out a suspicious noise and its nothing 0
You check out a suspicious noise and its something +5
You pummel it with a six iron.+10
Its her father-10

Social Engagements

You stay by her side the entire party 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy. -2
Named Tiffany -4
Tiffany is a dancer -6
Tiffany has implants. -8
When mingling, you hold your mates hand and gaze
at her lovingly. +1
When mingling, you introduce her as the ol ball and chain
and pat her on the rump -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if
you think she is attractive, you say, Yes, but nowhere near
as attractive as you. +1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think shes
attractive, you say, Yeah, but dont worry, shes lousy
in bed -6
That woman is her sister-90
You have one drink, and thats it 0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted.-18

Things Of A Disgusting Nature

You unclog a stopped-up toilet +6
You clean up cat, dog or human vomit +7
You get rid of a dead rodent +8
You remove the collie from the thresher+12
You take her mother to see Cats+16

Saturday Afternoon

You go to the mall together +3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then
park the car +4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive
to a sports bar -2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it +3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional 0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk. +3
Most of it chips and beer -6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den.+15
Or refinishing the floors+16
Or rewiring the basement+17
Or adding a second floor+18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket -6
And youre tickled pink about it.-15
You visit her parents +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television -3
And the television is off -6
You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear. -6
And you didnt even go to college-10
And its not your underwear-15

Her Birthday

You take her out to dinner. 0
You take her out to dinner and its not a sports bar +1
Okay, it is a sports bar -2
And its all-you-can-eat night -3
Its a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team-10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player +3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up
and sing +4
And you stink +2
And youre not half bad. +5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and youre escorted out
to much applause. -2
You give her a gift 0
You give her a gift, and its a small appliance.-10
You give her a gift, and its not a small appliance +1
You give her a gift, and it isnt chocolate +2
You give her a gift that youll be paying off for months.+30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day-10
With her credit card.-30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big.-40

Thoughtfulness

You forget her birthday completely-10
You forget your anniversary-20
You forget to pick her up at the bus station.-25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey-35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast-50

A Night Out With The Boys

Go out with a pal. -5
And the pal is happily married -4
Or frighteningly single. -7
And he drives a Trans Am-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)-15
You have a few beers. -9
And miss curfew by an hour.-12
You get home at 3 am.-20
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars-30
And not wearing any pants-40
Is that a tattoo???-200

Her Night Out

You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work
friends. +5
She goes out with her annoying work friends,and she comes home
late.+10
You wait up.+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed+20
She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed,
but not before she pukes in the bathroom.+25
Which you clean up+35

A Night At Home

You watch TV together 0
You rent a movie +1
You rent a movie and its SENSE & SENSIBILITY +3
Its SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout +5
Its SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep. -1
Its SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool -2

A Night Out

You take her to a movie. +2
You take her to a movie she likes +4
You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Barbara Streisand) +6
You take her to a movie you like. -2
Its called DeathCop 3 -7
Which features cyborgs having sex -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and
sheepdogs-15

Flowers

You buy her flowers only when its expected 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it +5
You give her wildflowers youve actually picked yourself.+10
And she contracts Lyme disease-25

Your Physique

You develop a noticeable potbelly-15
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it+10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts -5

Grooming

You trim your nails +5
You trim your nails in the living room.-10
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat-15
You shave on the weekends +2
You dont shave on the weekends -4
You dont bathe on the weekends either. -8
But then, neither does she. +8

Finances

You spend a lot of money on something impractical -5
Something she cant use.-10
Such as a motorized model airplane-20
And your kid needs braces-30
In fact, all four of the kids need braces.-120

Driving

You lose the directions on a trip -4
You lose the direction and end up getting lost-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close
and personal-25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt-60

The Big Question

She asks, Do I look fat?
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
. -5
You hesitate in responding.-10
You reply, Where?-25

Communication

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV+10
She realizes this is because youve fallen asleep-10