Nuns are admitted to Heaven through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

And so, says St. Peter, have you ever had any contact with a penis?



Well, says the first nun in line, I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger. OK says St. Peter, Dip your finger in holy water and pass into heaven.



The next nun admits that Well yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged it a bit.



OK says St. Peter, Rinse your hand in holy water and pass on into heaven.



Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.



Well now, whats going on in here? says St. Peter.



Well your excellency, says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, if Im going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it.

Hillary and Chelsea are sitting around the table having a mother/daughter talk.



Hillary says to Chelsea, You have been going to college for a while now. Have you had sex yet?



Chelsea says, Well, not according to Dad.

Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with
horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled
materials.

Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper
and Ken.

Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie
with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the
ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.

Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls,
protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on
union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men.
Waitressing outfits and cashiers aprons may be purchased separately
for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends
meet.

Our Barbies Ourselves: Anatomically correct
Barbie, both inside and out, comes with spreadable legs, her own
speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so
that little girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly,
non-threatening way. Also included: tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual
responsibility. Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys,
expanding uterus with fetus at various stages of development, and
breastpump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman has
the right to chose what she does with her own Barbie.

Rebbe Barbie: So why not? Women rabbis are on the
cutting edge in Judaism. Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke,
prayer shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional:
tiny mezzuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.

Sister Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes
with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini- rosary
beads, a mini-bible, and a black sequined nuns habit (after all,
shes still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing
because shes taken a vow of silence.

Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barble in
midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry,
hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says
things like I dont think so, Dang, get outta my face, and You
go, girl. Teaches girls not to take crap from men and condesending
White people.

Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an
autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over, she says
Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!

Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love
handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, generous breast and butt,
and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also
beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, Bucket o
Fried Chicken, tiny Entenmanns walnut ring, a brick of Sealtest ice
cream, three packs of potato chips, a t-shirt reading Only the Weak
Dont Eat, and, of course, an appetite.

Admin Barbie: Works twenty hour days for little
pay (80% of Admin Kens salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole
despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with
mini-laptop. Pull the string on her back and shell Schedule+ a
meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the
laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline
tickets for Director Ken.

Temp Barbie: This smartly dressed, intelligent,
hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the
box, but usually goes untouched for at least a day while everyone
tries to figure out why they bought her. Pull the string on her back
and shell stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why
she got a liberal arts degree. Comes with mini-resume, and mini-filing
cabinet filled with the past five-years worth of US Tax Code revisions
which need to be collated.

Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie Pull
the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death
threats for her exs new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a
Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on her left hand ring
finger).

Twelve-Step Barbie: Pull the string on her back
and she says, Hi, Im Barbie and Im an alcoholic. Comes with a One
Day At A Time bumper sticker, a 30-day chip, and a pack of smokes.

Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her
Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live
rent-free. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets,
and an arrest warrant.

Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll
offers other homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use
out on the Plains and how to take care of their nails while shoeing a
horse.

Americas Most Wanted Barbie: Shes on the run
after 30 years of crime against feminism.

Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this
Barbie actually speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like
how tough math class is, Ballerina Barbies struggle with bulimia,
Kens who wear Barbies clothes.

My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling
issues as regular teens who dont have huge wardrobes, perfect bods,
pools, and ponies.

Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American
dream is explored with this doll, which shows what happened after
Barbie graduated from high school, married too young and ate too much.

Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder
stateswoman of the Barbie set (shes 27!) arrives in the playhouse,
all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

– David Bissonette

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

– Zsa Zsa Gabor

Im an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

– Zsa Zsa Gabor

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

– Sacha Guitry

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.

– Montaigne

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just cant face each other, but still they stay together.

— Hemant Joshi

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

– Lana Turner

Marriage is a great institution, but Im not ready for an institution.

– Mae West

I was married by a judge…I should have asked for a jury.

– George Burns

Unknown Author Quotes

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore …

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the Y becomes silent.

Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Behind every successful man stands an amazed Mother-in-Law!

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, its $3.95 a minute.

If you think youre fat, you probably are. Dont ask us.

Learn to work the toilet seat; if its up, put it down.

Dont cut your hair, ever.

Sometimes, were not thinking about you. Live with it.

Get rid of your cat.

Sunday = Sports.

Anything you wear is fine, really.

Women wearing Wonder bras and low cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at.

You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints dont work.

Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult that peeing from point blank
range. Were bound to miss sometimes.

Yes, and no are perfectly acceptable answers.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Dont fake it. Wed rather be ineffective than deceived.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

If you dont dress like the Victoria Secret girls, dont expect us to
act like soap opera guys.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad and angry, then we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. If we dont look at other women, how can we know how
pretty you are?

Dont rub the lamp if you dont want the genie to appear.

You can either ask us to do something or tell how you want it
done – not both.

Christopher Columbus didnt need directions, and neither do we.

You have enough clothes.

Nothing says I love you like sex.

An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of
Viagra. The doctor said, Thats no problem. How many do you want?

The man answered, Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one in four pieces.

The doctor said, That wont do you any good.

The elderly gentleman said, Thats allright. I dont need them for sex
anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough
so I dont pee on my shoes.

A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex.



To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people, and goes down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the persons smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear.



Twice a day, the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no. Once a day, then? Again the answer is no. Twice a week? No. Twice a month? No. The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to once a year.



The therapist is angry that his theory isnt working, and asks the man, What the heck are you so happy about?



The man answers, Tonights the night!

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers
happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were
discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, My Benny loved to fly, so Im going up in a plane
and scatter his ashes in the sky.

The second man said, My Carl was a good fisherman, so Im going to
scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.

The third man said, My Jim was such a good lover, I think Im going
to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just
one more time.

But everybody looks funny naked!
You woke me up for that?
Did I mention the video camera?
Do you smell something burning?
(In a janitors closet) And they say romance is dead…
Try breathing through your nose.
A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
But whipped cream makes me break out.
Person 1: This is your first time… right?

Person 2: Yeah… today.
(In the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
Can you please pass me the remote control?
Do you accept Visa?
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
On second thought, lets turn off the lights.
And to think – I was really trying to pick up your friend!
So much for mouth-to-mouth.
(Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
Hope youre as good looking when Im sober…
(Holding a banana) Its just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
Do you get any premium movie channels?
Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
(Preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
Got any penicillin?
But I just brushed my teeth…
Smile, youre on Candid Camera!
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
I want a baby!
So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
(In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth…
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
I think you have it on backwards.
When is this supposed to feel good?
Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
Youre good enough to do this for a living!
Is that blood on the headboard?
Did I remember to take my pill?
Are you sure I dont know you from somewhere?
I wish we got the Playboy channel…
That leak better be from the waterbed!
I told you it wouldnt work without batteries!
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
No, really… I do this part better myself!
Its nice being in bed with a woman I dont have to inflate!
This would be more fun with a few more people.
Youre almost as good as my ex!
Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
You look younger than you feel.
Perhaps youre just out of practice.
You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
Theyre not cracker crumbs, its just a rash.
Now I know why he/she dumped you…
Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
What tampon?
Have you ever considered liposuction?
And to think, I didnt even have to buy you dinner!
What are you planning to make for breakfast?
I have a confession…
I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
Are those real or am I just behind the times?
Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
Is that a hanging sculpture?
Youll still vote for me, wont you?
Did I mention my transsexual operation?
I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
Did you come yet, dear?
Ill tell you who Im fanatasizing about if you tell me who youre fantasizing about…
A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
Does this count as a date?
Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
Hic! I need another beer for this please.
I think biting is romantic – dont you?
Q: You can cook, too right?

A: (Whaddaya think Im doin?)
When would you like to meet my parents?
Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like…

Woman: Yourself?
Have you seen Fatal Attraction?
Sorry about the name tags, Im not very good with names.
Dont mind me… I always file my nails in bed.
(In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
I hope I didnt forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
Dont worry, my dogs really friendly for a Doberman.
Sorry, but I dont do toes!
You could at least act like youre enjoying it!
Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said no!
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper…
Ill bet you didnt know I work for The Enquirer.
So thats why they call you MR. Flash!
My old girlfriend used to do it a lot longer!
Is this a sin too?
Ive slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
Hey, when is it going to be my friends turn?
Long kisses clog my sinuses…
Please understand that Im only doing this for a raise…
How long do you plan to be almost there?
You mean youre not my blind date?

A young woman, in the course of her college life, came to terms with her homosexuality and decided to come out of the closet. Her plan was to tell her mother first; so on her next home visit, she went to the kitchen, where her mother was busying herself
stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, she explained to her that she had realized she was gay. Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, You mean, lesbian?

Well… yes.

Still without looking up: Does that mean lick women down below?Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose, snapped:Dont you *EVER* complain about my cooking again!