My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

Its tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she wont drink from my glass!

My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the dogs bed. Actually she did put the mirror over our bed, too. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

Im a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

WEVE BEEN DATING.
Means: Sally and I have spent a least five evenings together, at least one of them has ended in sexual contact. Meanwhile, Ive also been dating Cindy, Louise and Carol.
SHES MY GIRLFRIEND.
Means: Sally has made me breakfast at her place many times. I have painted her living room and regularly change the oil in her car. We do not date other people. She is off-limits to my buddies, now and forever.
WE CUDDLED.
Means: Sally and I got into bed. We kissed some. She even laid on top of me. But nothing else. [Sigh].
LETS JUST SPEND A QUIET EVENING AT HOME.
Does NOT mean: Lets snuggle on the couch and listen to music and maybe sip some brandy. At some point, you will light candles and I will kiss you softly. We will make love tenderly, and I will tell you how much I adore you. Probably DOES mean: I think Ill boot up my computer and finally figure out Myst. Or you can make popcorn and well watch that really gory ER rerun.
SHES CUTE.
Means: She has nice tits.
SHES GORGEOUS.
Means: She has nice tits.
SHES ATTRACTIVE.
Means (when talking to other men): She has nice tits.

Means (when talking to a woman): She has nice tits but that would make you jealous so Ill say shes attractive.
I CLEANED MY APARTMENT.
Means: Its safe to go to my place because I stacked the papers in the corner and the dishes in the sink. I squeezed in the toilet bowl stuff, even under the rim, and I flushed.
IVE ONLY HAD A FEW BEERS.
Means: I have had more than one, but fewer than 50.
MORE FOREPLAY?
Means: More oral sex? Sure, I love oral sex.
I LIKE HER.
Means: I think Im falling in love but since I a talking to my buddies, I will use another term.
IM IN LOVE.
Means one of several things: 1) Sally has nice tits. 2) Im quite taken with the unusual way Sally uses her tongue. 3) Sally actually likes Mystery Science Theater 3000!

Mary Louise Gilman, editor of the National Shorthand Reporter has collected
many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books – Humor in the
Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few months ago. From
Mrs. Gilmans two volumes, here are some transquips:


Q. What is your brother-in-laws name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. Whats his first name?
A. I cant remember.
Q. Hes been your brother-in-law for years, and you cant remember his first
name?
A. No. I tell you Im too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing
to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for Gods sake, tell them your first name!
——–
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
——–
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
——–
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
——–
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
——–
Q. Are you married?
A. No, Im divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didnt know about.
——–
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
——–
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney,
and said he was really good.
——–
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
——–
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.
——–
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
——–
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
——–
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldnt pronunciate his words.
——–
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, I have to kill you because you can identify me.
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
——–
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
——–
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information
and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
——–
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dogs ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
——–
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able,
for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also,
would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
——–
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do
you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
——–
Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
——–
Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a
victim?
——–
Q. …and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
——–
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A. He didnt offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
——–
Q. So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe
with respect to your scalp?
A. I didnt see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top
of my head.
——–
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
——–
Q. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this
defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said shed kill that sonofabitch – and
she did!
——–
Q. Do you drink when youre on duty?
A. I dont drink when Im on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
——–
Q. …any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial
instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
——–
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
——–
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
——–
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective
witness,
isnt it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
——–
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
——–
Q. (Showing man picture.) Thats you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
——–
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Probably an old joke, but it was new to me:

Sam and Susan were invited to a costume party. Susan went out and rented
costumes for the both of them. However, when the time came for the party,
Susan wasnt feeling well and Sam went on alone.

A few hours later, Susan began to feel better and decided to go on to the
party. She realized that while she knew Sam was in a gorilla suit, he had
never seen her costume, and decided to go and see what he got up to while
he was alone.

She arrived and observed him dancing closely with a series of beautiful
women. She approached him and began flirting, and soon they were taking
a walk in the woods alone. They then undressed in the darkness and had
sex.

She got home before her husband and when he arrived, she was in bed. She
asked him, How was the party?

He replied Oh, the usual – you know I
never have much fun at these things alone.

Didnt you even dance? she
asked.

No, I sat in the den all night playing cards. The guy I lent my
costume to had a ball, though…

One day when the teacher walked to the black board,
she noticed someone handwritten the word penis in
tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face.

Finding none, she quickly erased it,and began her
class.The next day she went into the room, and she
saw, in larger letters, the word penis again on the
black board.

Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit,
but found none, so she proceeded with the days
lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the
classroom and found the same word written on the board,
each days word, larger than the previous days word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted
by the same word on the board, but instead, found the
words,

The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While hes in there, the husband tells his wife: Listen, this guys an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasnt seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, dont resist, dont complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, hell kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you. To which his wife responds: He wasnt kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Overcoming his initial shock, he said to himself, Ah, young love … ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers … Cest magnifique! He continued to watch, remembering good times.

Suddenly he gasped. Mais … Sacre bleu! Ze woman — she is dead! and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.

He arrived out-of-breath at the police station and shouted, Jean! Jean, zere is zis man, zis woman … naked in farmer Gastons field making love.

The police chief smiled and said, Come, come, Henri, you are not so old: Remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, Lamour! Zis is okay.

Mais non! You do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!

Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the police station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henris story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor.

Pierre, Pierre … this is Jean. I was in Gastons field … zere is a young couple naked aving sex, to which Pierre replied, Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, Lamour! Zis is very natural.

Jean, still out of breath, gasped in reply, NON, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!

Mon dieu! Pierre exclaimed. The doctor grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools, jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gastons field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station.

He walked inside, smiled patiently and said, Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British.

This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.

Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.

No thanks, the girl says. You know I dont smoke.

These two <ethnics> were driving home across the desert.. and they
were in need of some fuel.

They pass a sign that says, Free sex with fill-up

Hey man says one <ethnic>, Ive heard of that. Lets try it.

So they stop…

Can I help you?

Yeah, fill er up

(a few minutes later)

Thatll be $18.50 please

Hey, wait a minute, your sign says free sex with fill-up

Oh, why yes it does, but it is conditional.. I am thinking of a
number between one and twenty, what is it?

<first ethnic> Five

<second ethnic> Eight

No, I am sorry gentlemen, it was two, well, better luck next time

The two <ethnics> leave and are a bit perturbed…

Aw man, we were ripped off!

Nah, I dont think so, last week my wife went in there twice and
won both times!!

A salesman rang the doorbell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home.
Johnny said, Yes.

The salesman said, Well, can I see him please?

Johnny snickered and said, No, he is in the shower.

Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home.

Johnny said, Yes.

The salesman said, Well can I see her?

Johnny snickered again and said, No, shes in the shower too.

The salesman then asked, Do you think they will be out soon?

Johnny laughed this time and said No.

The salesman asked, Why?

Well, Johnny said, when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue.