A Vaseline salesman is driving through the country, when his car starts
leaking and loses all its oil. Not knowing what to do, he fills the
engine with Vaseline, thinking that it is similar to oil, and drives away.
It works fine until about half an hour later, when the engine gets real
warm, and the Vaseline melts, and runs out through the same hole as the
oil did. This time there is a farm nearby, so he decides to look for a
phone.

Meanwhile, inside the farmhouse, the farmer, his wife, and daughter
are having a fight about whos going to do the dishes. I did them this
morning, complains the farmer. Well I did them at lunch, says his wife.
And Im tired from doing all the farmwork, says the daughter. So the
farmer, in a stroke of brilliance, decides that they will settle it by all
taking off their clothes, lying on the floor, and declaring that the first
one to speak gets to do the dishes.

The Vaseline saleman gets to the front door, and rings the bell.
No one answers so he goes in and looks for a phone. He eventually stumbles
into the kitchen, and ignoring the odd sight, asks for a phone. No one
answers, so he goes and looks some more. Still no luck, so he goes back to
the kitchen. They still wont answer, so he decides to see what else he
can get away with. He has sex with the daughter several times, bemused by
her silence, then finally goes and looks for the phone again. A while
later, he comes back, looks at the wife, and says, Why not? After having
sex with the farmers wife, he is getting tired and exasperated. He
thinks, maybe if they have some Vaseline, I can drive my car for another
half-hour. So he asks, Do you have any Vaseline? at which the farmer
jumps up and yells, Ill do the dishes!

My sister-in-law, a just-graduating medical student, tells me that one
night during work at the hospital she was interviewing a black female
patient . . . she came to the question:

Maam, are you sexually active?

To which the woman replied:

Well . . . sometimes I is . . . and sometimes I just lays there.

-joseph hall

Q. Why wont men ever pick up after themselves?A. Why should we? It doesnt really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well youll pick it up when you finally get tired of looking at it.Q. Whats with all the belching and farting?A. This usually only occurs after months of courting. Its our way to let you know that were comfortable with you. Believe it or not, its actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.Q. Why do men hate shopping?A. Going shopping simply makes no sense of any kind to men. This is comparable to going from restaurant to restaurant, looking at all the food, putting some in your mouth, but never actually swallowing (I wont even comment on the subject of women and swallowing).Q. How can men be so inconsiderate?A. Frankly, Im hurt that you can even say such a thing. Lets take sex for instance. If a man lasts more than five minutes with you, hes thinking of nothing but you. To a man, an orgasm is an orgasm, whether achieved after five minutes or an hour of intercourse. Remember that the next time you have sex. We do it all, and we do it for you.Q. Why cant men ever leave the toilet seat down?A. Have you ever seen one of us pee? The proper position of the toilet seat is up. Mathematically speaking, the proper position of the toilet seat is a function of the peeing frequency over the sitting frequency. The closer that ratio approaches one, the truer the proposition. Besides, its actually a courtesy that we lift the seat. Why would we care if we pee all over the seat. Youre the ones that have to sit on it. You should appreciate the fact that we actually lift the darn thing. After all, we aim to please.Q. Why do most men hate fuzzy toilet seat covers?A. Who wants to pee in front of a guillotine, much less a pink fuzzy one? All the extra fuzz makes it impossible for the toilet seat to stay up properly. You either have to be talented enough

Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n.
female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
male: Food, sex and beer.
Thingy (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a cars hood.
male: The strap fastener on a womans bra.

Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n.
female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.
Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up ones self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.
Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with ones partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.
Butt (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes look bigger.
male: The organ of mooning (and farting).
Birthdays & Anniversaries (burth-daze and an-nu-ver-sa-rez)n.
female: A time to reflect on ones life and loves, celebrate with loved ones and exchange gifts.
male: A time to get drunk.
Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with ones girlfriend.
Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.
Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.
Taste (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever youre cooking, to make sure its good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.

A trumpeter is hired to play two solos in a movie. After the sessions he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public. Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porno house. The musician enters the theatre wearing a dark raincoat and shades, hoping nobody sees him. Unaccustomed to porno flicks, he sits in the last row next to an elderly couple. The film has explicit sex scenes: oral intercourse, anal intercourse, golden showers, sado-masochism and near the end a dog has intercourse with the leading female character. The musician, who is immensely embarrassed, finally turns to the elderly couple and whispers, I wrote the score and I just came to hear the music, to which the elderly woman whispers in reply, We just came to see our dog.

Do Or Say If You Wake Up To Your Roommate Having Sex

50. (the obvious) Ooooooo

49. That would work better the other way around. .

48. Sniff. Sniff. Is something burning?

47. Damn, thats complicated.

46. Wait, wait, use my pillow.

45. Alright already, _I_came.

44. You guys need a value pak.

43. Smoke a pipe. Every once in a while wave it around and say Good show, old bean.

42. Is that sperm or a mudpack?

41. Youve got something stuck in your teeth.

40. 4 out of 5 dentists say thats bad for your enamel.

39. Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they dont change positions.

38. You know, they say that threes a charm.

37. Suggest your favorite position.

36. Shine a flashlight on them and say, This is a citizens arrest,

assume the position.

35. Bring in the Gimp.

34. Hold that pose.

33. Sit up in your bed, bounce vigorously, clapping and squealing withjoy.

32. Start signing Meatloafs Paradise by the Dashboard Light.

31. Sing Shake your bootie.

30. A little to the left.

29. Is that a penis in your girlfriend or are you just happy to see me?

28. Is there room for two in there?

27. Two words: penis extension.

26. Invite others in as a cheering section.

25. Charge admission at the door.

24. Make and hold up score cards.

23. All of them should read 6. 9.

22. Whip out a pen a paper and take notes.

21. Maybe it would help if you. .

20. Thats what you call erect?

19. That reminds me of a joke I heard. .

18. Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!

17. Hold up two bags and say, Paper or plasic?

16. Roll over, grunt and say, Id rather be fishing.

15. Use the Heimlich; shes got something stuck in her throat.

14. May I cut in?

13. Thats illegal in Arkansas.

12. Holy whips and chains, Batman.

11. Scream at the top of your lungs. If they ask whats wrong, explain that you thought you were having a nightmare.

10. Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment.

9. Recite quotes from Condom Month like Pack your wiener before you bean her and Wrap your packer before you wack her.

8. MMM- that looks good, I think Ill try some, too.

7. Lets make a sandwich.

6. Is that hard enough for you?

5. Im going to the water fountain. Can I get you anything?

4. I think you dropped something.

3. Do you like to eat at the Y?

2. Pick up your camcorder and say How much do you think they would pay to see this on Pay-Per-View?

1. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop??

New Living Will Form
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and
body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by
artificial means. Under no circumstances should my
fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who
couldnt pass ninth-grade biology if their lives
depended on it.If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to
sit up and ask for:(please initial all that apply)_________a martini,_________chocolate,_________a beer,_________a steak,________ the remote control,________ a bowl of ice cream,________ sex,________ a good cigar,it should be presumed that I wont ever get better.When such a determination is reached, I hereby
instruct my appointed person and attending physicians
to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.Under no circumstances shall the members of the
Legislature enact a special law to keep me on
life-support machinery. It is my wish that these
boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay
attention instead to the future of the millions of
Americans who arent in a permanent coma.Signature:___________________________Date: ___________________________Witness: ___________________________

Okay, everyone… a true story of justice in the good old U.S. of A. Thought
yall might enjoy this; if nothing else, it shows internet justice, if it can
be called that.

On a whim, I decided to visit Hormels main plant, and, after a tour, we were
allowed to taste samples of their various products. And there was one… I
dont think that words can describe how it tasted. It was a meat product, but
to call it meat would not do it justice. The memory of the taste brings tears
to my eyes.

I like to cook in my spare time, so I asked the tour guide if they could give
me the recipe. She frowned, and said, Im afraid not. Well, I said, would
you let me buy the recipe? With a cute smile, she said, Yes. I asked how
much, and she responded, Two-fifty. I said with approval, just add it to my
tab.

Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Hormel and it was $285.00.
I looked again and remembered I had only spent $9.95 for a couple of tins, and
about $20.00 for an anti-nauseant. As I glanced at the bottom of the
statement, it said, Recipe–$250.00. Boy, was I upset! I called Hormels
Accounting Dept. and told them the waitress said it was two-fifty, and I did
not realize she meant $250.00 for a recipe. I asked them to take back the
recipe and reduce my bill and they said they were sorry, but because all the
recipes were this expensive so not just everyone could duplicate any of our
delicacies… the bill would stand.

I waited, thinking of how I could get even or even try and get any of my money
back. I just said, Okay, you folks got my $250.00 and now Im going to have
$250.00 worth of fun. I told her that I was going to see to it that every
gourmet will have a $250.00 recipe from Hormel for nothing. She replied, I
wish you wouldnt do this. I said, Im sorry but this is the only way I feel
I could get even, and I will.

So, here it is, and please pass it on to someone else or run a few copies… I
paid for it; now you can have it for free.

(Trust me; this recipe is so good that you will want to make as much as
you can at once, which is why I list so much. This may be doubled, of
course):
1 pig carcass (all parts that are technically digestible but cant be
used for any other purpose, even hot dogs)
1 gallon castor oil
1 salt lick
1 gallon vomit
16 lbs recycled plastic

The cooking technique is simple. Use a blender, branch shredder, or
anything else handy to shred the carcass, salt, and plastic; mix evenly
in a sufficiently large container. There are a variety of ways to cook
it; in experimenting, I have found the best option to be slow boiling
in motor oil. But the specific method of cooking doesnt matter much;
with such an extraordinary combination of ingredients, nobody will know
the difference. When it is cooked, compress it into small tins (at
Hormel, it came in dark blue tins with four large white or yellow
letters–I wont specify which four letter word, because there are
some people who find it to be more obscene and offensive than a certain
crude word for sex), and open and enjoy at leisure. You dont need to
worry about it spoiling; bacteria wont touch it, and at any rate
there is a specific reason why it cant go bad. Makes at least 112
tins.

Have fun!! This is not a joke — this is a true story. Thats it. Please,
pass it along to everyone you know, single people, mailing lists, etc…

Oh, and one last thing I almost forgot…

I feel a little guilty for presuming to speak about how to best serve a
delicacy so wonderful–the final word must go to gourmets and chefs with a
taste far more refined than mine–but there are a thousand ways in which it
may be served, and, after a little experimenting, I really HAVE to share with
you my personal favorite:

Open one tin; slice thinly. Marinate in pesto sauce, with a touch of
thyme. Roast slowly over an open flame (I have found wood–
preferably oak–to work best), then THROW THE STUPID THING OUT THE
WINDOW AND COOK YOURSELF A STEAK.

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play – normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change.