On page 114 of the Fall 1991 J. Crew catalog (yuppie clothing)
that I received yesterday is a full page photo of a very pregnant
woman wearing a maternity sweater (very fully cut in the lower areas).
The description reads:

Room for two. A sweater that just seems a natural
for now. Soft. Comfortable. Uncomplicated. And
unconfining by design. Our wool rollneck, shown here
in loden, see p. 48 for additional colors and photos.
Unisex sizes. $52.

Unisex sizes?!

What guys say… …What they mean…

———————————————————————-



It is just orange juice, try it. 3 more shots, and shell have her

legs around my head.



Shes kind of cute I want to bang her till I am blue



I dont know if I like her She wont blow me



I need you My hand is tired



I had her I had (wet dreams about) her all

week



I really want to get to know you …so I can tell my friends about

better it



How do I compare with all your Is my penis really that small?

other boyfriends?



Youre the only girl Ive ever You are the only girl who has not

cared about rejected me



I want you back …for tonight anyway



Weve been through so much together If it was not for you, I never

would have lost my virginity



I miss you so much I am so horny that my roommate is

starting to look good



No, I do not want to dance right now Shoot! Shell know that I have a

hard-on



The break-up should not start I want to have sex a few more times

for another 24 hours



I am different from all the other I am not circumsized

guys

A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband but she is
concerned that the prices this pet shop are charging seem very high. She
goes to the clerk and explains her concern.

Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50, the
clerk says.

$50? the woman replies. That seems terribly expensive for a frog.

Well, this frog is worth it. Its been trained to give blow jobs.

The woman is stunned, but as her husband loves this sort of sex, and she is
not particularly fond of it, she decides the frog might be a good
investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband,
and explains its special value.

The husband is skeptical, but promises hell give the frog a try that
night. The woman goes to sleep, happily knowing she wont be bothered by
her husband that night. She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from
the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling
out pots and pans, and pouring over cookbooks.

What are you two doing down here? she asks.

Her husband responds, If I can teach this frog to cook, your sorry ass is
out of here!

…so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear.
The black bear said Youve got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex. Jon decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him. The brown bear said, That was a huge mistake, Jon. Youve got two choices. Either I maul you to death or well have rough sex. Again, Jon thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there. The grizzly bear said Admit it, Jon, you dont come here for the hunting, do you?

It was spring in the Old West. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboys horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his gun to shoot the snake.
Hold on there, partner, said the snake, dont shoot! Im an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you dont shoot me, Ill give you any three wishes you want. The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snakes striking range. He said, Okay, first, Id like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, Id like a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, Id like sexual equipment like this horse Im riding. The rattlesnake said, All right, when you get back to the bunk house youll have all three wishes. The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunkhouse. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzeneggers. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, My God, I forgot I was riding the mare!

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wifes love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. Then next, maam, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut. The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help. The Greens pleaded with him, and said, You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us. Well, all right, the doctor said. On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios…

Cover your stump before you hump
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
Dont be silly, protect your Willie
When in doubt, shroud you spout
Dont be a loner, cover your boner
You cant go wrong, if you shield your dong
If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
If you think shes spunky, cover your monkey
It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
If you slip between her thighs, condomize
She wont get sick if you wrap your dick
If you go into heat, package your meat
While youre undressing Venus, dress up your penis
When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
Especially in December, gift wrap your member
Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
Dont be a fool, vulcanize your tool
The right selection, is to protect your erection
Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
A crank with armor, will never harm her
If you really love her, wear a cover
Dont make a mistake, cover your snake
Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
If you cant shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
No glove, no love
If you think shell sigh, cover old one eye
Even If shes eager, protect her beaver
No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax
Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt
Avoid a frown, contain your clown
Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam
Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground
Cloak the joker before you poke her
Encase that torch before you paint her porch
Cape your throbber before you bob her
After detection, sheath your erection
Before you penetrate, hide your magistrate
Dont surprise her, plug your Geyser
Cover that lumber before you pump her
Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
She wont bristle if you wrap your whistle
House your noodle, then release your strudel
Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
Shelter your jerky, then nab that turkey
Cage that snake, then shake and bake
Cover your peter, it will be much neater
Coat that Labrador, then allow him to explore
Its always funky to cage your monkey
It wont be funny with a coatless dummy
It wont be fun with an unwrapped thumb
Its not much money to catch your honey
Dont be a fool, cover your tool
Hood that match, then scratch that thatch
Stitch that switch, then itch her niche
Wrap that tool to catch the drool
It aint no jibe to protect her hive
Contain that sputum before you use him
Restrain your log, then plow her bog
Glove your pecker before you check her
Coat that slimmer before you prime her
Condomize then womanize
Cover old pete, then grind her meat
Guard your peter before you meet her
Check your list before you tryst
Wrap your bate before you mate
Can your worm before you squirm
Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe
Contain your lizard, then tickle her gizzard
Bag the mole, then do her hole
Cuff your carrot before you share it
Jail your number, then call the plumber
Cover your vein, then drive her insane
Wrap that pickle, then slip her a tickle
Protect your dink, then fluff her mink
Restrain your lantern, then stick it in her cavern
Hide ole harry, then take her cherry
Wrap that spout, then bore her out
Conceal your train, dont cause her pain
Guard your bridge, then do her ridge
Shroud your trout, then make her shout
To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky
Box your blister, then poke her in the whiskers
Wrap your spout to catch the trout
Plug your funnel, then enter the tunnel
Cover your steamer before you ream her
Protect that fish, then dip it in the dish
Contain that bass for a swim in her glass
Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret
Clothe the boner before you hone her
Got no protection? Cant use your erection!
Cork your pump or you dont hump
No unwrapped stags get between her legs
Dress that erection to make a deflection
Contain that shanker before you spank her
Cap that seeder before you breed her
Stop the stream before you cream
Secure that ladder, then drain your bladder
Protect your screw to catch that glue
Package your meat for a real neat treat
Holster your gun, then shootings more fun
Canvas that trailer before you nail her
Garage the tractor, then attack her
Net that grass hopper before you pop her
Sock that wanger before you bang her
Pen that rooster, shell be much looser
Trim your hardwood, then do her real good
Garnish your oak, then give her a poke
Pouch your associate, then go fornicate
Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate
Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates
Catch that goat before it bloats
Ensnare that barbarian, then do her abdomen
Restrain your hammer, then wam bam her
Prune that stalk, then make her squawk
Wrap that rod, then please her bod
Sheath that knife, she aint your wife
House that bottle, then mash her throttle
Sash that hash, then thrash that gash
Cover your diddle, then fiddle her middle
Can your knob, then throb her swab
Contain old Doug, then clean her rug
Cover your limb before you swim
Retain your bailer, then impail her
Rope your dope, then make some soap
Net your salamander, then make salad in her
Cap your flapper, then sniff her snapper
Wrap that Steed, then trample her weeds
Hat that chef, then scramble her cleft
Cover your stone before you bone
House your hose, then curl her toes
Saddle your penis, then straddle her mean ass
Blanket your twitch, then hump that bitch
Shield your rocks, then pound her box
Cover old sly, then do her dry
Wrap your rail, then fill her pail
Glove your chimney before you come in me
If your nude, tube your dude
Cloak your hitter, then go split her
Wrap your nipper before you dip her
Can your spam, then bam that maam
Corral your ram, then slice her ham
Sheath your sliver, then jab her liver
Twist your wick, then stick that prick
Cover old Bart, then dart her tart
Shed old spot, then do her slot
Drawer your pip, then split her lips
Contain that leach, then mash her peach
Bag your elm, then take the helm
Constrain your gem to catch the flem
Catch that head cheese, or I wont spread these
Constrain that agate you aint no faggot
Survey your land, then plant her stand
Before you drive her, protect that diver
Sack that slimy smelt, then tan her beaver pelt
Wrap that stiffer, then let him sniff her
Cover you post, then slice her roast
Blanket old juicy, then plug old loosey
Balloon your baboon, the moon tune her poon
Contain that viper before you pipe her
Wrap your whopper, then go bop her

Hung Chow call his boss and says: “Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I not come work.”The boss says: “Hung Chow I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that.”Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house.”

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms hed like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. Oh, Im so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girls parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, I had no idea you were this religious.
The boy turns, and whispers back, I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they cant see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.



Honey, she signs, Why dont we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you dont want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.



The husband thinks this is a great idea and signsback to his wife, Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.



If you dont want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 100 times