Im glad Im a woman, yes I am, yes I am

I dont live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam

I dont brag to my buddies about my erections

I wont drive to Hell before I ask for directions

I dont get wasted at parties and act like a clown

and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I wont grab your hooters, I wont pinch your butt

my belt buckles not hidden beneath my beer gut

and I dont go around readjusting my crotch

or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch

I dont belch in public, I dont scratch my behind

Im a woman you see — Im just not that kind!

Im glad Im a woman, Im so glad I could sing

I dont have body hair like shag carpeting

It doesnt grow from my ears or cover my back

When I lean over you cant see 3 inches of crack

And whats on my head doesnt leave with my comb

Ill never buy a toupee to cover my dome

Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

Im a woman, you know — Ive got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me

to have these two boobs and squat when I pee

I dont live to play golf and shoot basketball

I dont swagger and spit like a Neanderthal

I wont tell you my wife just does not understand

stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band

or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep

then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, Im glad Im a woman, a woman you see

you can forget all about that old penis envy

I dont long for male bonding, I dont cruise for chicks

join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick

Im a woman by chance and Im thankful its true

Im so glad Im a woman and not a man like you!

Q. What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A. Full.

1.)Lets watch Lifetime!

2.)Sex is overrated.

3.)I dont want to go too far on the 4.)first date.

5.)Yes, I did notice your sisters breasts are bigger than yours.

6.)There is nothing I like better than crawling into bed with a good book.

7.)Im glad I dont have a large penis.

8.)My hips are too big.

Aw, cant we watch Oprah?

9.)Does this suit make me look fat?

10.)Ill never get tired listening to Celine Dion.

Because Im a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with
a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road
service until long after hypothermia has set in.

Because Im a man, when the car isnt running very well, I will pop
the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what Im looking at. If
another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, I used to be
able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldnt know where to start. We will then drink beer.

Because Im a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup
and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You NEVER get as sick
as I do, so for you this isnt an issue.

Because Im a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost
me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it
back together.

Because Im a man, I must hold the television remote control in my
hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss
a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive
by holding a calculator).

Because Im a man, I dont think were all that lost, and no, I dont
think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a
complete stranger — I mean, how could he know where were going?

Because Im a man, there is no need to ask me what Im thinking about.
The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up
something else when you ask, so dont.

Because Im a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about
her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mothers day
is okay, I dont need to see it. And dont forget to pick up
something for my Mom, too!

Because Im a man, you dont have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if youre crying at the end of it, I didnt like it.

Because Im a man, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce
Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you
every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time
and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and
everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find
this fascinating.

Because Im a man, I think what youre wearing is fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes
is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine.
You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because Im a man, and this is, after all, the 2000s, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. Ill do the rest.

This has been a public service message for women, to better understand
the Male animal.

Im worried, said the woman to her sex therapist. I happened to find my daughter and the little boy next door both naked and examining each others bodies.

Thats not unusual, smiled the therapist. I wouldnt worry about it.

But I am worried, doctor, insisted the woman, and so is my daughters husband!

I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when: Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo." Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!" "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in Monopoly. Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening. It wasnt odd to have two or three "best" friends. Being old referred to anyone over 20. The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didnt matter. The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties. It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb. It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasnt an Olympic event. Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot. Nobody was prettier than Mom. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better. It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park. Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true. Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare." Saturday morning cartoons werent 30-minute ads for action figures. No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home. "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense. Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles. The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team. War was a card game. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon. Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle. Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin. Ice cream was considered a basic food group.

A newlywed husband initiated sexual activiity with his bride every night by turning to her and asking if she would like to do the laundry.

One night after more than a year, she replies in the negative for the first time, pleading a headache.

In the morning, feeling quite guilty over her failure to meet her husbands needs, she asks him if he would like to do the laundry to which he replies:

No thanks, it was a small load, I did it by hand

Now I lay me down to sleep.

Please dont send me no more creeps.

Please just send me one good man.

One without a wedding band.



One good man whos sweet as pie.

Who brushed his teeth and doesnt lie.

Who dresses neat and doesnt smell.

And is sexy like my man Denzel.

Is super-rich like Michael J.

On second thought, thats okay.



Man, if I should die before I wake,

that would truly take the cake;

No matrimony or honeymoon.

No fancy reception planned for June.

No throwing of the wedding bouquet.

Please, God, dont let me go out that way.

If I die before I meet Mr. Right

I wont go out without a fight.

But then again with my luck,

Hed probably be just some schmuck.



The single life is not that bad

I know its just a passing fad.

I wont be blue. I will not frown.

Besides, I like my toilet seat down.

No more makeup, wont comb my hair.

So never mind this stupid prayer.



The single life will do just fine.

So whats up, girlfriend?

ITS PARTY TIME!!!!

There is this guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts weights and jogs six miles every day.

One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body and notices that he is suntanned all over with the one exception of his penis, which he readily decides to do something about.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he leaves sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she begins to move it around with the cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she says, There is really no justice in the world.

The other little old lady says, What do you mean by that?

The first little old lady says, Look at that – When I was 20 – I was curious about it. When I was 30 – I enjoyed it. When I was 40 – I asked for it. When I was 50 – I paid for it. When I was 60 – I prayed for it. When I was 70 – I forgot about it. Now that Im 80, the damn things are growing wild, and Im too old to squat!

The following conversation ensued:Man: I am 82 years old, and have a wonderful wife of 60 years; many children; grandchildren; and even a couple of great grandchildren.Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. For some reason, they thought I was kind of interesting. One thing led to another, and we ended up at a motel where I had sex with each of them twice.Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?Man: What sins?Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?Man: Im Presbyterian.Priest: Why are you telling me all this?Man: Im telling everybody.