Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddams chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.
Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, hes finally had enough, knowing that he cant do much without them functioning well. Im going back home! he tells the Iraqi. Well finish these talks in two weeks! A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bushs chair and prepares himself for the Yanks revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. Forget this, says Saddam. Im going back to Baghdad! Dubya says through tears of laughter, What Baghdad?

Paint a few white and place them outside on the grass so
people wont park on your lawn.

Use it as building material. (This is actually what the
Ancient Egyptians used to build the Great Pyramids.)

Keep one under your pillow for home defense.

Send one to the junk mail company with a note asking them
to take you off their list.

Its colorful, use it as a Yule Log.

Carve the Presidents faces in one and submit it as a
science project.

Give one to your boss and tell him its a life preserver.

Use it as a base for flower arrangements.

Donate to the local airport for use as airliner wheel
blocks.

Grind a few up and give it back to your in-laws in a bag
marked lawn fertilizer.

For a community project, sink a few in the ocean and build
an artificial reef.
Tie one to each foot when you walk through deep snow to
keep your feet dry.

NASHVILLE, TN — With sales of God Bless The U.S.A. waning after a five-month surge, country singer Lee Greenwood urged the U.S. to take military action against Iraq Monday. Saddam Hussein is a despot with strong ties to terrorism, and his regime must be toppled, Greenwood said.

Unfortunately, our best chance of doing so is to send brave young American soldiers into dangerous, emotionally stirring combat situations.

Greenwood added that he would probably be willing to perform his signature hit for the troops during a live CBS special if asked.

In dieting news, Monica Lewinsky is the new spokes-model for the Jenny Craig dieting system. Pictures are being shown of a pre- and post-Jenny Craig Monica.

A second round of advertising will be showing her dress, before and after the dry-cleaning. I dont know what the ad slogan is going to be for this particular campaign, but I suspect that it will not be as tasteless as it should be.

Monicas Jenny Craig diet tip #1: Taste, but dont swallow.

Tip#2: If you cant remember the name of the President, dont worry as it is on the tip of your tongue.

Tip#3: As you go down, so will your weight.

Tip#4: There are other choices, the only thing you shouldnt blow is your diet.

And finally tip#5: Dont be a sucker for other diet plans, go to Jenny Craig.

I guess it is the lure of money that brought Monica to Jenny Craig … She is already known for keeping up with the Johnsons, so it is time to keep up with the Jones.

(c)2000 The Reverend Shayne Dark

The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

The New York Times is read by people who think they run the
country.

The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run
the country.

USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the
country but dont really understand the Washington Post. They do,
however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.

The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldnt mind running
the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didnt have to
leave L.A. to do it.

The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the
country.

The New York Daily News is read by people who arent too sure
whos running the country, and dont really care as long as they can
get a seat on the train.

The New York Post is read by people who dont care whos running
the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous,
preferably while intoxicated.

The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who arent sure
there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is,
they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions
if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs,
who also happen to be illegal aliens from any country or galaxy
as long as they are democrats.

The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another
country, but need the baseball scores.

Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club.
Dr.Kevorkian is hired as an Outplacement Coordinator.
Your best looking women in Marketing are suddenly very friendly with the dorky Personnel Manager.
The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is Schlitz.
Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters.
Company President now driving a Ford Escort.
Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the local Taco Bell.
Employee discount days at the local Army & Navy Surplus Store are discontinued.
Dental plan now consists of a Company supplied kit (String, pliers and 2 aspirin).
Your CEO has installed a dart board in his office marked with all existing departments in the Company.

Remember folks, Were not Downsizing, were Rightsizing!

… and pledges not to move alone unless no one agrees with it

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Bowing to international pressure not to act unilaterally, the United States reversed course today and promised to consult with its allies before doing whatever the hell it was going to do anyway.

Prior to taking action against any enemy nation, such as Iraq, we will confer with our allies, as well as other countries in that region, pledged U.S. President George W. Bush. We will sit down with them. We will begin by explaining what our position is, and then we will …

… no, wait. Thats everything.

The announcement seemingly failed to address unease among world leaders that without their consent, U.S. action against Iraq will lead them all into a wider conflict. Bush, however, said his administration was well aware of international concerns, and would handle them internally.

Except for effect, the administration said its new stance overturns earlier, much-maligned statements insisting America would act unilaterally, if necessary, to oust enemy regimes. But the President said he recently was shown a new perspective by Secretary of State Colin Powell, who is generally regarded as a check on the administrations hawks.

Colin Powell told me that acting alone was not in our long-term interests because, as he put it, No man is an island, Bush recalled. Of course, I pointed out that America is a nation, not a man, and that lots of nations are islands, so his argument was pretty lame. But do like to say Colin Powell whenever I talk about foreign affairs because it makes me look diplomatic.

European Union external affairs chief Chris Patten, however, was not appeased. Whats the point of even talking to your allies if your mind is already made up? he asked. Its little more than feel-good lip service.

Replied Bush: Colin Powell.

German Foreign Minister Joschka Fischer, meanwhile, was one of several voices calling for restraint. We are all concerned that Saddam Hussein is developing weapons of mass destruction, but the international coalition against terror has no carte blanche for an invasion of any country, Fischer insisted.

In response, Bush said Colin Powell, and added that his staff has a solution.

Weve created a one-page form that allows us to declare war on Iraq for you, he explained. It really streamlines the consensus process for everyone.

That is not consensus! Fischer railed. That is worse!

Answered Bush: Oh, in that case, just Colin Powell.

Copyright © 2002, SatireWire.

Al Gore and George W. Bush go to a resteraunt to try to patch things up after the election. Theyre about to order when Tipper says to Dubya, What are you having?

Bush replies, I wouldnt mind a quickie.

Mrs. Gore is outraged and says, You rude man! Who do you think you are, Bill Clinton?

Al leans over to Dubya and says, George, I think its actually pronounced quiche.

Bill Clinton was arriving back to the White House from a trip to Arkansas with a pig under each arm. A secret serviceman greeted him.
"Nice pigs, sir!"
"Thank you. Though these are no ordinary pigs — theyre Arkansas Razorbacks! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."
"Nice trade, sir!"

Bill and Hillary were taking stroll outside the White House gates one morning and came upon a little boy trying to give away a litter of puppies. When Hillary remarked about how cute they were, the little boy said,Yes, maam, they are. Theyre democrats. Hillary thought this was so sweet that she told the boy if he still had one left by the weekend, she would be glad take one of them home. The boy agreed and Bill and Hillary walked on. So comes the weekend and Bill and Hillary are again strolling in front of the White House and notice the little boy with the puppies. Hillary walks up and greets the young man, who has two puppies left. She fawns over both of them and the boy remarks this time, Only two left maam, and theyre both republicans. Hillary quickly sneered and said, But the other day, you said they were democrats. The boy replied, Well, yes maam, but since then, theyve opened their eyes.