Gorbachevs handicap is that he too long tried to placate both the
democratic reformists and the party hardliners.

Bushs handicap is an 8.

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isnt allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you — or holding you in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown — if theyre nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, youre safe from the law!)

During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.

In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.

Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.

Its safe to make love while parked in Coeur dAlene, Idaho. Police officers arent allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.

In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couples own property.

A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.

In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman cant dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

An excerpt form brilliant Kentucky state legislation. No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club.

The following important ammendment however is to be considered here: The provisions of this statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses.

In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on the citys airport property.

Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.

In Los Angeles, California, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt cant be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wifes consent to beat her with a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated.

In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because The privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.

In Michigan, a woman isnt allowed to cut her own hair without her husbands permission.

In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a stores walk-in meat freezer!

In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman cant go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job — for men only — called a corset inspector.)

In Oblong, Illinois, its punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

In Oxford, Ohio, its illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a mans picture.

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And its illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!

A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the womans name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.

Utah state legislation outlaws all sex with anyone but your spouse. Next to that adultery, oral and anal sex, masturbation are considered sodomy and can lead to imprisonment. Sex with an animal – unless performed for profit – however is NOT considered sodomy. Polygamy – provided only the missionary position has been applied – is only a misdemeanor.

In Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.

In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (Including the wedding night).

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

In Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having sex with his wife.

Little Rock (AP) Authorities today confirmed that a fire struck early this morning in the library of the Clintons personal residence here in Little Rock. Despite heroic efforts by the Little Rock Fire Department, both books were destroyed.

In Washington, a White House spokesperson was quoted as saying: Mr Clinton is very upset. He had several pictures left to color in the one book, and he was just starting to get that staying in the lines thing down.

Saddam Hussein had a dream and called President George W. Bush to tell him about it. I had a dream about the United States. I could see the whole country and over every building and home was a banner, said Hussein.

What was on the banner? asked Mr. Bush.

LONG LIVE SADDAM HUSSEIN! answered the Iraqi president.

I am so glad that you called, said President Bush, because I too had a dream. In my dream, I saw Baghdad and it was more beautiful than ever, totally rebuilt, and over every building and home was a big, beautiful banner.

What did the banner say? asked Saddam.

I dont know, answered President Bush, I cant read Hebrew.

Need a tagline? Visit http://www.taglinesgalore.com/

JIFFY CONDOM COMPANY
6969 Slippery Root Drive
Droptrouser, NC 22269

Dear Sir,

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your recent application
to model and represent our product, Jiffy Condoms.

Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our
Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product does not portray
a positive, romantic image for our product. A loose baggy wrinkled condom is
not considered romantic.

We did admire your efforts to firm it up using Poly-Grip, but even
then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like
to note however, that we have never seen a penis that looked like a bicycle
grip until now.

We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will
retain your application for future consideration, if by the chance we decide
that there is a market for Micro-Mini Condoms.

We send greetings and our deepest sympathy to your wife and/or
girlfriend.

Very Truly Yours,

Burly Dick, President
Jiffy Condom Company

BD/pee

[Ed: This is a variant of a joke that went before. Thats something I
do not usually do. In this case, the punchline is sufficiently different.]

My girlfriend told me this one:

Pres. Bush, (NY) Gov. Cuomo, and (NJ) Gov. Florio are flying on
a plane together. When they passed over New York, Cuomo wrote his
name on two one dollar bills and threw them from the plane. Florio
very curious about this action asked him why he had done it. Cuomo
responded that he had just won two votes.

Florio, not wishing to be outdone, wrote his name on two one hundred
dollar bills and threw them from the plane once they reached New Jersey.
This caught the attention of President Bush, who inquired about this
action. Florio explained about just winning two votes.

A few minutes later, Pres. Bush shoved both Cuomo and Florio from
the plane. The pilot was shocked and asked the President why in the
world he just killed two Governors. The President responded,
Simple, I just won two states.

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and the Secretary of Defense all wanted to go to Oz, to visit the Wizard of Oz. Bill looked at Al and asked him why he wanted to go. Al said that he needed a brain, and Bill agreed with him. Then, Bill asked the Secretary of Defense why he wanted to go, and he said that he needed a heart. Bill also agreed with him. Then both looked at Bill and asked him why he was going. He answered, "Im looking for Dorothy!"

Starting monthly salary for US Marine…$984.60

One Bradley Fighting Vehicle…$3.16 million

Humanitarian aid for Iraq…$20 billion

Kickin back with the boys in Saddams Palace…priceless

Recently one of my friends was complaining about being bored stiff with
the daily routine. So heres my own solution to the problem
(with apologies to David Letterman).

10. Design and implement Ada++

9. Start a campaign to move the Grand Canyon out of Arizona

8. Yell nasty things to friendly neighborhood gangsters while jogging at 3 am

7. Make obscene phone calls to 1-900-FONE-SEX

6. Get to know the inside of your nose

5. Play tackle football with the Eagles defensive line

4. Suggest new alliances with Middle Eastern terrorist states to President Bush

3. Practice ventriloquism by saying Hit me at blackjack tables in Las Vegas

2. Research material for term paper The Musical Genius of Milli Vanilli

1. Ponder on the question that has stumped philosophers for years:
What makes teflon stick to the frying pan?

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency: Our largest condom factory has exploded, the Russian President cried. My peoples favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster! Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you, replied the President. I do need your help, said Yeltsin. Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over? Why certainly! Ill get right on it, said Bush. Oh, and one more small favor, please? said Putin. Yes? Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10 long and 4 in diameter? said Putin. No problem, replied the President and, with that, George Dubya hung up and called the President of Freecondoms.com. I need a favor, youve got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia. Consider it done, said the President of Freecondoms.com. Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10 long and 4 wide. Easily done. Anything else? Yeah, said the President, print MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL on each one.