Q: What is the difference between Whitewater and Watergate?
A: No one died in Watergate.

Q: Whats the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?
A: The pit bull doesnt carry a briefcase.

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Four hundred and sixty-two:

twelve to investigate Clintons involvement in the failure of the old bulb,
twenty-three to deregulate the light bulb industry,
sixteen to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D,
thirty-four to cut the tax rate on light bulbs,
fifty-three to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb,
forty-one to talk with defense contractors about night-vision gear instead, and
two hundred and eighty-three to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs (or screwing anything) on the Internet.

Absolute ZeroAbsolute vodka over frozen nitrogen
Alexander the GrrreatGin, creme de cacao and sweet cream over Cornflakes
American in ParisKentucky bourbon and champagne
Black SabbathKahlua and Mogen David wine
Blind FaithWood alcohol and sacramental wine
Blood ClotVodka, tomato juice and Jell-O
Bloody AwfulVodka and ketchup
Blue MoonCorn whiskey and Aqua Velva
Coleman CoolerWhite wine, soda, fried chicken crumbs and sand
Fuzzy Naval BasePeach schnapps, orange juice and ammonia
George BushGeorge Dickel bourbon and Busch beer
GorbachevVodka with a splash of port wine
Honeydew the DishesMidori and Dawn
Marie AntoinetteBourbon, cake mix, and flat beer
MartinizerGin, vermouth and carbon tetrachloride
Mary PoppinsVodka, tomato juice and a spoonful of sugar
Mexican HairlessTequila and Minoxidil
Oil of OleMazola and Sangria
Peter, Paul, and MaryPotassium nitrate, Paul Masson wine and tomato juice
Phillips ScrewdriverVodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia
Port in a StormRed wine and rainwater
Quack DoctorCold duck and Dr. Pepper
A Rum with a ViewBacardi and Visine
Rum-Pole of the BaileyBacardi rum, Popov vodka and Baileys Irish Cream
Sake-to-meRice wine, punch and nitrous oxide
Scotch TapewormDewars and Mescal
ShipwreckCutty Sark on the rocks
Short WaveRipple in a shot glass, ginger, syrup and pomegranate
Sinead OConnorIrish whiskey and Nair
Skid RoeMuscatel and caviar
Sour KrautSchnapps and lemon juice
Sundae DriverVodka, orange juice and ice cream
Tequila MockingbirdJose Cuervo and birdseed

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the
best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They
question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming. Then the LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
raccoon. The raccoon is yelling: Okay! Okay! Im a rabbit! Im a rabbit!

A guy dies and goes to heaven. Its a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon the guys passing the entrance test, St. Peter says Im not very busy today, why dont you let me show you around?



The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria, and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.



The guy asks, Whats up with these clocks?



St. Peter explains, Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.



The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?



St. Peter explains, Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.



This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, What is the story with that clock?



Oh, that, St. Peter replies, Thats Bill Clintons clock.

We decided to use it as a ceiling fan.

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Cant Be Wrong!

Arizona: But Its A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Aint Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Dont Ski, Dont Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Dont Own It-Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Shaami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave
Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes…Well Okay, Were Not, But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Dont Pronounce the S

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: Were Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But Thats Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: Were Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Swedens (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes… And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very
Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney….

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least Were Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl… Its Whats For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: Were Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didnt Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si Hablo Ingles

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Dont Mix?

Washington: Help! Were Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family… Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men… and the sheep are scared

I think its time to stop carping on the blunders
of the President and give him some credit for
creativity. I mean, where do you even FIND a Jewish
hard-line conservative Republican pot-smoker?
Sounds like an Oprah Winfrey guest.

— A. Whitney Brown

Moriarty, aka Jeff Meyer

Saddam Husseins stockpile is deadly. The smoke from his biological weapons could mix with sulfur from his chemical weapons and create an atmospheric condition known as Los Angeles.

Q: When did Clintons friends become sure that he had political ambitions?
A: When he married outside of his family.