Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side. PLATO: For the greater good of man. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. TIMOTHY LEARY: Because thats the only trip the establishment would let it take. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. RONALD REAGAN: I forget. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chickens side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chickens people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and uccessfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.The meeting was held in park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chickens mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business. LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him and keep him down. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing. FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it? RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road. MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was. JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesnt anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?" FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?" CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads. ALBERT EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature. RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it. ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? BILL CLINTON : I did not, and I repeat, did not have sexual relations with that chicken. Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard working American.
L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken and well find out.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, Ive not been told!
Grandpa: In my day, we didnt ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.

I got this joke from a roommate of mine, Keith Brown.
He acquired it when he went back to his hometown to
substitute teach at his high school. Sitting in the
teachers lounge, they were telling jokes and the
principal told this one…

One day, an elderly woman went in to the main Citibank office
in downtown New York City and asked the window teller if she
could speak to the president of the bank. Upon being questioned
as to why she needed to see him, the elderly woman said that
she wished to deposit seven million dollars.

The teller then rushed back to the president and said that
there was a woman who wished to deposit seven million dollars
and that she wished to see the president. Naturally, the
president excitedly said, Well, send her right in!

After the elderly woman and the president had talked for some
time about security and insurance and whatnot, she started to
fill out some papers. By this time the president had become
very curious as to how this plain-looking elderly woman had
come across seven million dollars in cash. Not wanting to
be too blunt, he asked her, Well, did you inherit the money?

She said, No, and kept on writing.

He then asked, Well, did you find the money?

She again said, No, and kept on writing.

Frustrated, he then asked, Well, how did you acquire the money?

She responded, I won it.

Still bewildered, he asked, Did you win it in a lottery?

She again said, No, and kept on writing.

Still curious, he asked, Did you win it on a slot machine?

Once, again, she said, No, and kept on writing.

Finally, the President asked, Well, how did you win it?

At long last, she replied, I won it by betting on people.

Confused, the president wondered, I dont understand?

The elderly woman then said, Well, let me give you an example:
I bet you $25,000 that by tomorrow morning at 10:00 your nuts
will be square.

The president pondered the bet for a moment and then said,
OK, Ill take the bet.

The old woman, not carrying the $7 million with her, said
that she would return the following morning to deposit the
money and settle the bet.

Not being extremely wealthy, the president took the rest of
the day off to think about how he would spend the money.
As well, he would occasionally feel his balls to make sure
that they were, indeed, round. After checking them about
100 times that day, he decided to check one more time before
he nodded off to sleep. Content, he went to sleep with a
huge grin on his face, still not knowing how he would spend
the money.

Upon waking up, the president quickly grabbed his nuts only
to find that they were still round. Relieved, he went to
work a little early, all the time pondering the spending
of his wealth-to-be.

Promptly at 10:00, the elderly woman walked in with two men.
As they entered the room, one of the men silently stood
against the wall. The other was obviously a lawyer, as he
had a briefcase and looked very official. Quickly, the
president made one more self-exam in which he found that they
were still round.

As the elderly woman approached the desk with the lawyer, she
queried, Well, how did it go?

The president replied confidently, It went fine.

The woman responded matter-of-factly, Well, if it wasnt
$25,000, Id take your word for it, but, seeing as it is
a considerable sum of money, Ill have to verify for myself.

Blushing, the president stood up and dropped both his pants
and underpants to his knees. The elderly woman reached across
the table and felt his nuts, saying, Well, I guess you won.

At that precise moment, the man standing against the wall
started banging his head against the wall, quite violently.

The president, surprised, asked, Whats the matter with him?

The elderly woman responded, I bet him $150,000 that by this
morning, Id have the president of Citibanks nuts in my hand.

John Kerry went duck hunting and hes doing that to fulfill his campaign pledge to hunt down the ducks and kill them wherever they are! Kerry did pretty well; he came back with four ducks and three Purple Hearts. –David Letterman

John Kerry went hunting today. He said he killed a goose. He didnt bring Teresa along because he was a little rusty and he was afraid he might kill the goose that laid the golden egg. –Jay Leno

Last week, Senator Kerry was eight points behind President Bush, today he is three points ahead. Is this the kind of indecision we want in a president? –Announcer in a mock Bush-Cheney ad, Late Show With David Letterman

Kerry scored many points with voters and pundits by finally putting to rest criticism that hes a flip-flopper. Kerry said, I have one position on Iraq: Im forgainst it. –Amy Pohler, Saturday Night Lives Weekend Update

John Kerry says the W in George W. Bush stands for Wrong. But he still cant explain what John Kerry stands for. —David Letterman

The latest issue of GQ magazine, John Kerry talks about what a man should look for in a woman. GQ? If John Kerry is going to talk about what he likes in a woman, shouldnt it be in Fortune or Money magazine? –Jay Leno

Vice President Dick Cheney attacked John Kerry. He said that John Kerry lacks deeply held convictions. Today Kerry shot back, he said, Thats not completely true. —Jay Leno

John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to receive a Homeland Security briefing. I thought that was odd, since youre not supposed to ignore terrorist threats until after you become president. —David Letterman

There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, I do. —Craig Kilborn

John Kerry suspended his campaign for five days this week in honor of President Reagan. And right now, hes ahead in the polls. Hows that make him feel? Disappears for a week and hes up in the polls. What else can he do now but go into hiding. —Jay Leno

Shrek 2 made over $120 million during its first week. In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him. —Conan OBrien

John Kerry met with Ralph Nader last week. Both sides of every issue were discussed. And then, Nader spoke. —Jay Leno

This is so weird. I saw the new John Kerry campaign commercial and he says, Im John Kerry and I approve of this message — if I have one. —Craig Kilborn

John Kerry and Ralph Nader met face-to-face, it was a historic meeting. Astronomers said today their meeting actually created what is called a charisma black hole. —Jay Leno

Gas prices are up, the stock market is down, Iraq is a mess and John Kerry is saying, How am I gonna beat this guy? —David Letterman

Well the good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the majority still thinks hes the dad from The Munsters. —Jay Leno

John Kerry had surgery on his right shoulder this week to repair some damage. It was pretty bad, he had no feeling. It was almost like he was a Republican. —David Letterman

John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich. You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them. —Jay Leno

They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, thats nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: I do. —Jay Leno

Senator Kerry recovering very nicely after having shoulder surgery. The doctors said the senator was fully awake, lucid and joking after the surgery was done, but cautioned that that was just the drug. He went back to his boring self soon afterward. —Jay Leno

All my money is an electronic blip.
Someone will realize that I am overpayed.
They will find out that I am only a parasite, but I make to much to give it up.
There are more of them than us.
I need to make as much as I can as quickly as I can while this opportunity lasts.
They may stop thinking that they are inferior.
God gave me my money, so no one has the right to take it away
There are so many more of them than us.
You cant trust politicians, they will take your money and still raise your taxes.
My lawyer is stealing from me.
My employees are stealing from me.
My chideren are stealing from me.
The Russians may go Communist again.
They might realize that no one controls the economy.
The Market will crash, and I wont be short.
Ralph Nader is running for President.
The Chinese may go Communist again.
There are so many more of them than us.
My kids will grow up gay and take Negro lovers.
There are so many more of them than us !!!

One day three midgets were sitting around the table drinking tea and having crumpets.

The first midget says to the other two, You know, I think I have the smallest hands in the world. He continues, and I think I should go down the Guiness Book or World Records and try to get in the book!



The second midget replies with, You know, now that you mention it, I probably have the smallest feet in the world. I think Ill go with you and try to get into the record book, too!



The third midget joins in with, Im going too because I think I have the smallest penis in the world. Lets go!



So the midgets set off to the offices of the Guiness Book of World Records.



When they arrive, the first midget is called in and is gone for awile. Finally he comes out very excited. I made it! They measured my hands, and sure enough they are the smallest in the world. Im in the record book!!



The second midget is called in, and soon he comes out very excited. I made it too! They measured my feet and sure enough, they are the smallest in the world. Im in the record book, too!!



The third midget goes in, is gone a very long time, so long that his friends became concerned. Finally he appears with a rather forlorn look on his face.



Whats the matter?, his friends asked.



The third midget responds with Who the hell is Bill Clinton?!?!!











Note to this joke: You can insert anyones (male) name in place of Bill Clinton. Try it on your best friend!!!!!!!

President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks, How come the
Jews know everything before we do?

The CIA chief says, Its simple. The Jews have an expression, Nu, Vus
Tutzuch (English translation: Whats Happening). They just ask each
other and thats how they find out everything.

Impressed, George W. Bush says he personally wants to go undercover to
see how this system works.

So the president gets disguised (the hat, beard, long sideburns etc.)
as an Orthodox Jew, and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New
York where he is secretly picked up in an unmarked car and secretly
dropped off in Crown Heights, one of Brooklyns most Jewish
neighborhoods.

As the president stands quietly on a busy street corner, a little old
Jewish man comes shuffling along. Bush approaches him and whispers
Nu, Vus Tutzuch?

The old guy whispers back, Did you hear that Bush is in Brooklyn?

Q: How is Clintons health care reform a lot like his haircut?
A: It is a lot more expensive than it looks.

Its no wonder President Clinton is in so much trouble, according to Executive Mystic Barrie Dolnick. Just look at Bills astrological chart. Dolnick insists that a career crisis is in the stars, and predicts a slight possibility of impeachment. Fortunately, says Dolnick, Clinton can ward off these negative influences by smudging his office with sage after hours, sprinkling sea salt along the doorway, and wearing red or silk undershirts for his protection…

Or he could try a more drastic approach: a Honduran man castrated himself with a machete because he was frustrated that his wife refused to have sex with him. The Heraldo Daily said Juan Varels cut off both his testicles and put them on a table. After careful consideration, Varels grabbed them and went to a health center to have them reattached…

On a sad note, the Psychic Friends Network filed bankruptcy in Baltimore this week. According to court documents, the companys revenues have plummeted to $25 million a year… appparently they didnt see this coming…

In other news…

Alberto J. Vasquez did pretty well when donned a mask and robbed a Dunkin Doughnuts last week. He and a friend made off with over $1400. But he did some dumb stuff too. Alberto used to work at this same Dunkin Doughnuts, and an employee thought he recognized Albertos voice during the robbery. He was even more certain when Albertos accomplice called him by his nickname A.J. Police then followed a trail of coins and footprints leading directly to his apartment building, two doors down from the shop… you have the right to remain stupid…

From Bizarre News – www.bizarrenews.com

There are three high school -aged boys walking down the street in Washington,
D.C. Suddenly, they see Bill Clinton go jogging by, and he is about to be hit by
a car. So, they pull Bill out of the way and save his life.

Bill says, Thank you for saving my life. I will grant each of you one wish.

The first boy says, I want to go to Georgetown. Bill pulls some strings and
gets the boy admitted.

The second boy says, I want to get into West Point, but it normally requires a
Congressional appointment. Bill calls up his Democratic friends in Congress and
gets the boy his appointment.

The third boy says, I want to be buried in Arlington National Cemetery.

Bill says, That is an odd request for a 17-year-old!

The boy says, Yes, but when my father finds out I saved your life he is going
to kill me!

Famous interpretations of Why did the Chicken cross the road?

Bill Clinton:

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please…

Louis Farrakhan:

The road, you will see, represents the black man.

The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him down!

Colonel Sanders:

I missed one?

L.A Poliece Department:

Give us five minutes with the chicken, and well find out.

Jerry Falwell:

Because the chicken was gay! isnt it obvious? Cant you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the other side. thats what they call it: the other side. Yes, my friends the chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too!

Ronald Regan:

What Chicken?

Saddam Hussein:

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it!

ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what youre telling me?

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Marting Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we didnt ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe its true?

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your mother?

Bill Gates: We have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs (only in the proprietary brown_ms.egg format), file your important documents, and balance your chequebook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

The CIA: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car, sir.

Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken.