An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wifes interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. Its free, St. Peter replied. This is Heaven.Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home bordered. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, What are the greens fees? St. Peter replied, This is heaven, you play for free. Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. How much to eat? asked the old man. Dont you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free! St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables? the old man asked timidly.St. Peter lectured, Thats the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick either. This is, after all, Heaven. With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, This is all your fault! If it werent for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and
realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation
was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would
come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that
they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and
they discussed their predicament in great depth.

Finally the priest said to the nun, You know, Sister, I am
about to die, and theres always been one thing Ive wanted here on
earth–to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes
so I can look at you?

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and
then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked,
Well, Father, now that I think about it, Ive never seen a man naked,
either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the
nun exclaimed, Father! What is that little thing hanging between your
legs?

The priest patiently answered, That, my child, is a gift from
God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life.

Well, responded the nun, forget about me. Stick it in the
camel!

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in in New York City. He lies dying
on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.

A priest. Somebody get me a priest! the man gasps. A policeman checks the
crowd—-no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

A PRIEST, PLEASE! the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a
little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.

Mr. Policeman, says the man, Im not a priest. Im not even a Catholic.
But for fifty years now Im living behind St. Elizabeths Catholic Church
on First Avenue, and every night Im listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe
I can be of some comfort to this man.

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man
lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

Under the B, 4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38. Under the G, 54. Under
the O, 72. . .

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates andannounces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon readingthe entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff andto proceed into Heaven. A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watchingthese proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanningthe preachers entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay,well let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "ButI am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely Irate higher than a cabbie." St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "this is heaven and, up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

Col. Saunders was lying on his death bed and asked to have the Pope visit
him.
It was explained that the pope is a very busy man and that he did not make
such visits.
Col Saunders said if he could have the pope visit him he would give a large
donation to the church.

The pope was on the next flight and went to visit Col Saunders in his
hospital bed.

The Col. felt he would like to leave his legacy on this earth, so he asked
the pope you know that part in the bible where it says give us this day our
daily bread Yes, said the pope, do you think you could change that to
give us this day our daily chicken

Startled at this the pope said that this was not possible. Col. Sanders then
told the pope if he could make the change he would give the church
$50,000,000.00 and 5,000,000 every year that it remained. The Col. then
expired.

The pope left the Col. and went back to the Vatican and called all of the
Bishops and the Theologians and spoke to them all. On my trip to the
United States, I have some good news and some bad news, first the good news,
I made us $50,000,000.00 with an additional $5,000,000.00 dollars coming in
every year thereafter, the bad news is we lost the Wonder-Bread account..

St. Mark has been guarding the Pearly gates for a long time, and its
well past time for St. Peter to relieve him, and St. Peter hasnt come
by, so finally Jesus takes pity on him and takes over. While Hes there,
an old man comes up to the gates.

Welcome to heaven says Jesus, tell me a bit about yourself.

Well, says the old man, when I was alive, I was a carpenter. I had a
son, and for a while he was a carpenter too, helping about the shop, but he
left home. Made quite a name for himself, for a while, but they killed him…
Jesus stared searchingly at the old man.

Father? he asked.

The old man stared back. Pinnochio?

I hope you didnt take it personally, Reverend, an embarassed woman said after a church service, when my husband walked out during your sermon.

I did find it rather disconcerting, the preacher replied.

Its not a reflection on you, sir, insisted the church goer. Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.

The patient shook his doctors hand in gratitude and said:
Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by
offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned
you in my will.

That is very kind of you, said the doctor emotionally, and then added,
Can I see that prescription I just gave you? Id like to make a little
change…

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table
watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck
tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to
buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin and dealin they settled
for $10000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger,
Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and
he didnt dance a single step!

So? asked the ducks former owner, Did you remember to light the candle
under the pot?

A company in the Foreign Legion had spend three years in the Sahara desert
never having seen a woman. They finally decide to send one private on
vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell them
all about it. After a week the private comes back all happy and relaxed.
The whole company crowds around him waiting to hear of his great escapades.
And on the third day… he began,

No! no! start with the first day! everyone yells out in chorus.

And on the third day, the private continues, she asked me to stop so
she could go to the bathroom…

On the wall of a church was a sign,
If you are tired of sin, come to see us!

And right below it in nice rounded letters;
But if youre not, my phone number is 341-3451

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the
meat.

Are you crazy? yelled the customer, You have your hand on my steak!

What? answers the waiter, You want it to fall on the floor again?

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered
hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started
advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

Its o.k., he replied, Its written in the Bible.

So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where
in the Bible it says its okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where
someone wrote in pencil–The hat check girl puts out!

On the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing their daily business.
One wore a large cross on his chest and the other–a star of David.

Of course, most of the church goers generously gave to the cross wearer and
the other was overlooked. Finally the Pastor approached the Jew and
suggested that if he take off the star of David maybe hed get some more
hand outs.

Get this guy, laughs the pan handler and turns to his cross wearing pal,
Trying to teach us how to do business!

A man meets his girl friend of 25 years ago. She was so happy to see him
that she couldnt resist and asked him to come up and see her some time.

With pleasure! says the man.

So he bought some wine and a bunch of flowers and in the evening he went to
see her. When the door opens there she was, stark naked.

Whats this? the man was shocked.

She smiles and says, I wore my birthday dress for you.

Thats great, he says somewhat embarrassed, But couldnt you have pressed
it first?

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant.
First he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot,
then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold and so on for about
half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back
and forth and never once got angry. So finally a second customer asked him
why he didnt throw out the pest.

Oh I dont care. said the waiter with a smile, We dont even have an
air conditioner

A good looking chick walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it,
and decided to swim. She looked around, didnt see anyone, and undressed.
Just as she was about to dive in, the watchman appeared from behind the
bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.

You could have told me that before I undressed! she scolded him.

Hey! Only swimming is prohibited, undressing isnt, he replied.

A young French girl was visiting New York when her cash funds run dry and
her visa expired. She met a sailor who agreed to stow her aboard his ship
that was about to sail. Every day he would bring her food and drink and
in return all she had to do was give him a bit of love. Lacking much choice,
the girl agreed.

And so everyday, the sailor brought some food and would get some loving in
return. This went on for several weeks until the captain saw the sailor
sneaking around with a tray of food and the whole affair was uncovered.
The captain felt obliged to apologize to the girl:

Im very sorry about all that has happened to you, but you have to admit
the sailor is smart. Do you know youre on the Staten Island Ferry?

An avid golfer hits his ball into the woods. As he goes to look for it, he stumbles upon a leprechaun who is brewing a mysterious concoction. What are you making? asks the golfer. It smells wonderful. This is a magic brew, says the leprechaun. If you drink it, your golf game will improve remarkably, and youll never be defeated. Well, then, let me have some, says the golfer. Have as much as you like, says the leprechaun. But I must warn you, there is one serious side effect. It will almost certainly diminish your sexual desire. I can live with that, says the golfer, and gulps down a full cup. The brew works. Just as the leprechaun predicted, the golfer defeats all challengers and within six months, hes the undisput- ed local champion. The golfer is delighted, and one day he goes back into the woods to thank his benefactor. It worked, says the golfer. It really worked! Im the best golfer this club has ever seen. Yes, but what about your sex life? asks the leprechaun. Pretty good, says the golfer. Ive had sex three or four times in the last six months. That doesnt sound so great to me, says the leprechaun. Actually, says the golfer, its not bad at all for a Catholic priest in a small parish.

Did you hear about the African missionary that gave some cannibals
their first taste of religion?