A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York and hes stopped in Connecticut for speeding.

The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, Sir, have you been drinking?

The minister says, Just water.

The sheriff says, Then why do I smell wine?

And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, Good Lord, Hes done it again!

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided
to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly
cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife
ended up on a flight the day after her husband.

The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting
to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in
Minneapolis an email. Unfortunately, he didnt notice he had misspelled
his wifes email address

In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her
husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory
just a few days earlier.

She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from
relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud
scream, fainted and fell to the floor.

The womans son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He
glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message:

To My Loving Wife: Ive just been checked in. Everything has been prepared
for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.

Your Devoted Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Heard this one at work:

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a
tragic car accident ended their lives.

When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for
them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in
life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and
agreed, but said they would have to wait.

It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them.
They were married in a simple ceremony.

So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in
this time, that eternity was best not spent together.

They went back to St. Peter, and said, We thought we would be happy
forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences.
Is there any way we can get divorced?

Are you kidding? said St. Peter. It took me a hundred years to get
a priest up here to marry you. Ill never get a lawyer!

A hardworking female executive dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and he says, "Youve shown an outstanding aptitude for making business decisions. Choose whether you will go to heaven or to hell.""I dont know!" she flounders."Tell you what," St. Peter says, "You can have 24 hours in heaven and 24 hours in hell. Then you have to decide where to spend eternity.""Okay then," she says. "Ill start with heaven since Im here already."She goes in the pearly gates and makes some acquaintances. They have a nice walk among beautiful gardens. They have a nice quiet lunch. They have a nice stroll along a pristine, white, sandy beach looking out on brilliant blue ocean. At the end of the day she is shown to a nice room, and has a quiet meal on the balcony, looking out over the setting sun and the ocean. She marvels at the scenic beauty of heaven.The next morning, St. Peter takes her to the fiery gates of hell and hands her off to Satan.Satan takes her to a power breakfast given in her honor. Then she is escorted to a tennis club where she is greeted by her old boss, some co-workers, and previous business acquaintances. She plays a few sets of tennis and catches up on the gossip. At lunchtime her old boss takes her to a gourmet restaurant and she has an excellent meal with vintage wine. After lunch he takes her to an exclusive golf course and they play 18 holes of golf. She runs into other business acquaintances and catches up on news and gossip.After golf, he drops her at a spa where she is pampered and spoiled by beauty and body treatments. When she is finished at the spa, an acquaintance takes her shopping at designer stores. She picks out a fabulous evening gown, and Satan himself takes her to a huge party with drinking, dancing, gourmet food, and famous people.At the end of the evening, a stretch limo drops her off at a five-star hotel. As she soaks in the Jacuzzi tub, and sips the complimentary champagne, she ponders eternity. The next morning, she meets St. Peter at the pearly gates."Well, have you made your decision?" He asks."Ive decided on hell," she announces."So be it." St Peter waves goodbye and she reappears before the fiery gates of hell.Once inside she is teamed up with her old boss again, only this time everyone is wearing rags. They are filthy, diseased, malnourished, and living in a barren desert. They have to scrounge for food, water, clothing, even shade."What happened!?!" She exclaimed."Well," said her boss, "Yesterday you were a recruit. Today you are staff."

Hey, Princess, you wouldnt happen to know where a lonely knight could scabbard his sword, would you? Been there, slain that. Whats a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this? They dont call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know. When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs werent the only thing they stretched. Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping chambers floor. Wench: Whats that sound? Knight: Thats just the sound of my chain mail drawers expanding. Thou hast hit on me harder than the black plague! Your hovel or mine? Pardon me, madam, but wouldeth thou like to see my long sword in action? Dost thou practice safe hex? Milady, its not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within. I have the key to your chastity belt and you have the key to my heart. You should be glad Im not a Viking. You would have been ravaged and plundered by now. I lost my leg in battle. Guess what Im walking on! Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed a wizard. Shall I make your clothes disappear? You wont believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a vision and told me that I must bed you…the fate of England depends is on it!! Im really a prince cursed by an evil witch. Tell me, do you have sex with frogs? My! But you are a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help you out of it. Ive been VERY NAUGHTY. Youll have to put me in the stocks and…er…PUNISH me, now wont you? You know, I was once imprisoned in a tower very much like Repunnzel. Only it wasnt my hair that the queen asked me to let down. I may not be a priest, but I can get you to heaven, mlady. Cmon, sweetie…didnt your mother ever tell you? A cleric a day keeps the black plague away. I seem to have lost my sex slave, can I borrow you for a bit? Can I hose down your doublet? Your eyes are as dark as a castle moat by midnight. Lower your drawbridg

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

Mommy she said Can we leave now?

No her mother replied.

Well, I think I have to throw up!

Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.

In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

Did you throw up? her mother asked.

Yes the little girl replied.

Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?

I didnt have to go out of the church, Mommy the little girl replied, They have a box next to the front door that says for the sick.

Heres one…

There was this priest who wanted to spread the good word in areas
where need was greatest. He thought that the best place to start was
in Africa. So off he went.

He went into a deep jungle, and found a tribe. In his haste, he
forgot that he would have to teach these people English first. So,
he selected what he thought was the smartest of the tribesmen and
began his teaching.

They went for long walks in the jungle, first the priest would point
to a rock and say, Rock. And the native would say bagwundame.
And the priest would repeat Rock, and the native would say roock.
Then priest would point and say tree, native would say tree,
and so on–Until the native had a minor understanding of English.

It was on one of these nature walks that the pair stumbled upon a
clearing, and on the other edge of the clearing was a young couple
making love.

Well, this embarrassed the priest, and as he turned to leave the
tribesman asked, What they do?

The priest, being flustered, said, UUUhhh, why, theyre uh, uh, mmm,
Fuc.. er no theyre scre…*er* mmmaking whoop… cough THEY RIDE BICYCLE!

He figured, hey, this guys never gonna see a bicycle anyway…so…

Instantly, the native whips out a blowgun and shoots both lovers dead
on the spot. The priest is outraged!

WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?? THATS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING ANY TWO
PEOPLE CAN DO!! WHY??? cried the Priest.

The native answered simply, He ride MY bicycle.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.

The priest asks, Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?

Yes, Father, it is.

And, who was the woman you were with?

Sure and I cant be tellin you, Father. I dont want to ruin her
reputation.

Well, Tommy, Im sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
tell me now.Was it Brenda OMalley?

I cannot say.

Was it Patricia Kelly?

Ill never tell.

Was it Liz Shannon?

Im sorry, but I cant name her.

Was it Cathy Morgan?

My lips are sealed.

Was it Fiona McDonald, then?

Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration. Youre a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy,and I admire that. But youve sinned, and you must
atone.You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now.

Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, Whatd you get?

Three months vacation and five good leads! says Tommy.

The pope and one of his aides were traveling across the Atlantic on plane, and during the flight, the Pope tried to catch up with one of his crossword puzzles.

Midway through the flight, the Pope leans over to his aid and whispers: whats a 4-letter word that means woman that ends in unt?

His aide thinks for awhile and triumphantly says, I have it. its Aunt.

Oh dear, says the pope, do you have an eraser?

(This has been kicking around for so long that I have absolutely no idea
of its origin.)

Documentation Sex Quiz

1. What are the fallopian tubes?
a. Bicycle tires
b. A subway in Italy
c. All of the above

2. What is a urethra?
a. A female black singer
b. The opposite of myrethra
c. Something you hang on your door for Chrithmeth

3. What is an ovary?
a. A book written by Flaubert
b. A passing grade at school
c. A famous WWII song

4. What is fellatio?
a. A person who collects stamps
b. Mr. Hornblowers first name
c. A non-dairy whipped topping popular in Italy

5. What is a testicle?
a. A test to see if youre ticklish
b. One of the two parts of the Bible
c. An octopus arm

6. What is cunnilingus?
a. A form of pasta
b. The language of love
c. An Irish airline

7. What is a gonad?
a. A cheer for NAD high school
b. A person who wanders from place to place
c. A Moody Blues song

8. What is a vulva?
a. A Swedish car
b. The punching bag in your throat
c. An engine part

9. What is a seminal vesicle?
a. An Indian boat
b. A priests retreat
c. A discussion on the subject of veins and arteries

12. What is a penis?
a. A salty snack you have with beer
b. A Charles Shultz comic strip
c. Liberace

Boner Question: What is an Anus?
a. Part of a famous black comedy team
b. A planet–home of Superman
c. A herbaceous plant