Jesus recently walked into a bar somewhere in the Western World. He
approached three sad-faced gentlemen at a table, and greeted the first one:

Whats troubling you, brother? he said.

My eyes. I keep getting stronger and stronger glasses, and I still cant
see.

Jesus touched the man, who ran outside to tell the world about his now
20-20 vision.

The next gentleman couldnt hear Jesus questions, so The Lord just touched
his ears, restoring his hearing to perfection. This man, too, ran out the
door, probably on his way to the audiologist to get a hearing-aid refund.

The third man leapt from his chair and backed up against the wall, even
before Jesus could greet him. Dont you come near me, man! Dont touch
me! he screamed. Im on disability!

These two nuns walk into a liquor store one evening just before closing time.

They select a cheap bottle of brandy from the shelf and attempt to check out when the clerk begins hesitating.

Excuse me sisters, he says shyly, but I dont normally sell alcoholic beverages to nuns.

Its perfectly okay they reassured the clerk, this is strictly for medicinal purposes.

Very well said the clerk, that will be $6.50

The nuns thanked him and were on their way.

About twenty minutes later, as the clerk is locking the front door, he notices the two nuns staggering down the street, obviously drunk.

He approaches the two and in a very stern voice says I am ashamed of you two!

You lied to me and told me that the brandy I sold you was for medicinal purposes only, and just look at you now!

To this the nuns replied Dont feel bad kind sir, we did not lie to you .

You see the Mother superior has been constipated lately and when she sees us, she is going to SHIT!

Rabbi in bar
A Rabbi walks into a bar to use the rest room. He walks up to the bartender, and asks Can I please use the rest room? The place was hoppin with music, and dancin, till they saw the Rabbi. The bartender says, I really dont think you should.

The Rabbi again, asks, Can I please use the rest room? Well, the bartender says to the Rabbi, I really dont think you should, you see, there is a statue of a beautiful naked lady, and shes only covered by a fig leaf!

The Rabbi responded with, Nonsense a man of my stature will not be bothered by that statue! Well, the bartender showed the Rabbi the door at the top of the stairs.

The Rabbi proceeded to the rest room, and after a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hoppin with music and dancin again! He went to the bartender and said, Sir, I dont understand, when I came in here, the place was hoppin with music and dancin, then the place became absolutely quiet. I went to the rest room, and the place is hoppin again.

The bartender says, Well, now youre one of us, can I get you a drink? The Rabbi says, I still dont understand. The bartender told him, You see, every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, can I get you a drink?

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.

They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadnt thought about normal tricks.

Well, they said, lets try this out.

Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced the command, Heel!

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the mans forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below.

The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth,
I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand.

The Pope says, No way. You cant do that.

The Queen says, Watch this. So she waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union jacks on sticks and cheering and basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there going, Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought shed be able to do it.

So he thinks for a minute and then he turns to her and says, I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head.

The Queen says, No way. It cant be done.

So the Pope head butts her.

Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldnt find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my
life and give up tequila.
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Pedro looked up again and said Never mind. I found one!

The Ebonic Lords Prayer

Big Daddys Rap – The Lords Prayer
Yo, Bid Daddy upstairs, – Our Father, who art in heaven
You be chillin – Hallowed be thy name
So be yo hood – Thy Kingdom come
You be sayin it, I be doin it – Thy will be done
In this here hood and yos – On earth as it is in heaven
Gimme some eats – Give us this day our daily bread
And cut me some slack, Blood – And forgive us our trespasses
Sos I be doin it to dem dat diss me – As we forgive those who trespass against us
dont be pushing me into no jive – And lead us not into temptation
and keep dem Crips away – But deliver us from evil
Cause you always be da Man

A nun walks out of a church and sees two little boys kneeling down with their penises stuck in the snow. She runs over to them and asks Billy, Jimmy what are you doing?

Billy replies Oh, Father OSullivan likes a couple cold ones after the service

How do you get a nun pregnant?

– Dress her as an altar boy.

A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter.

Welcome! he says. Because we are currently operating at 99% capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven. Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance.

Okay, says the blonde.

Heres your question: name two days of the week
that begin with the letter T.

Thats easy. Today and tomorrow!

Well, thats not the answer I was thinking of, but Ill give you another question. How many seconds are there in a year?

Thats easy. Twelve!

Twelve?

January second, February second, March second —

Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood this question as well.
Well, Okay. Ill give you one more chance. Whats Gods name?

Thats easy. Ollie !

Ollie ?

You know — Our Father, who art in heaven, Ollie be thy name…