A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.



A priest. Somebody get me a priest! the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd—-no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.



A PRIEST, PLEASE! the dying man says again.



Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age.



Mr. Policeman, says the man, Im not a priest. Im not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now Im living behind St. Elizabeths Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night Im listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man.



The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:



B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . .

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have all died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter speaks with them and asks what good each has done in their life.

Doctor: I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for, and healing thousands of poor people.

St. Peter: Thats great. Go ahead in to heaven. And what about you, dear?

Nurse: Ive supported the good doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult.

St. Peter: Wonderful. Please proceed in with the doctor. And what about you?

Health Maintenance Organizaton Director: I was the president of a very large HMO and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the country.

St. Peter: Oh, I see. Please go in…but you can only stay two nights!

Sister Margaret was a model nun all of her life, until she was called to get her just rewards. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said Hold on, Sister Margaret…not so fast!

But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath… I have lived for this moment! Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.

That is precisely the problem, replied St. Peter, …you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong.

Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven! Sister Margaret pleaded.

I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then. ordered St. Peter.

Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. Saint Peter she gasped, I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up.

Good! replied the old saint, Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are ready.

Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels.

Saint Peter, I feel woozy… that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me…it is all I can do to keep it down.

Good…good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong, said St. Peter with delight.

Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense, and then call me.

A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:
Yo, Pete…its Peggy…Its gonna be a while!

An Australian cricket fan dies on match day (probably from drinking too much) and goes to heaven in his Australian cricket shirt.

He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks Saint Peter.

Hello mate, the Aussie says.

No Australian cricket fans in heaven, replies Saint Peter.

What? exclaims the man, astonished.

You heard, no Australian cricket fans.

But, but, but, Ive been a good man, replies the Aussie.

Oh really, says Saint Peter. What have you done then?

Well, three weeks before I died I gave $10 to the starving children in Africa.

Oh, says Saint Peter, anything else?

Well, two weeks before I died I also gave $10 to the homeless.

Hmmm, anything else?

Yeah. A week before I died I gave $10 to the Albanian orphans.

OK, said Saint Peter, you wait here a minute while I have a word with the boss.

Ten minutes pass before Saint Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, Ive had a word with God and he agrees with me. Heres your $30 back, now f*** off.

Three girs went to God just before they went down to earth and told him how they wanted to be when the came down. The First girl said, I want to be samrt. So God sent her down as a Red Head. The second girl said, I want to be smart and pretty so God sent her down as a burnett. The third girl said I want to be pretty and self absorbed. So he sent her down as a man.

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he was wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.

Devil: Why so glum?

Guy: Why do you think? Im in Hell.

Devil: Hells not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a
drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well, Youre gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays thats all we do.
Drink, Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Mt.
Dew. We drink until we throw up and then drink some more.

Guy: Wow, that sounds great.

Devil: You a smoker?

Guy: Yeah , you better believe it.

Devil: All right ! Youre gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars
from around the world and smooke our lungs out. If you get cancer, its
okay…. youre already dead.

Guy: No Way !

Devil: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yeah, I do.

Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack,
horseraces, you name it. we even opened a Pai Gai Poker table.

Guy: I never played that before.

Devil: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, i love drugs! You dont mean…

Devil: Thats right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl
of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of your head. Do all the drugs you
want. If you overdose, Its Okay… youre already dead.

Guy: Alright ! I never realized that Hell was such a swinging place!

Devil: So…. are you gay?

Guy: Uh, no.

Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), you are gonna hate Fridays!

Q. Whats the difference between a lawn mower and a saxophone?

A: Vibrato.

Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about
how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say Not bad,
but I couldve done better.

Q: How do you make a lead guitarist slow down?

A: Put some sheet music in front of him.

So this trumpet player dies, see? And when he reaches his everlasting
reward, the guy in the robe says, Youre going to spend eternity with
this combo, OK? Theres a bass player named Mingus and a pianist
named Monk, and any day now we expect this Blakey guy to show up
with his drums. Wow! the guy says, I never imagined heaven would be this
good. So the guy in the robe says, This is hell, not heaven. Theres
a girl singer.

The harbormaster was having troubles with his two young boys, so he decided to send them to Rev. Hawkins for some help.

The next morning Billy, aged 8, was sent. Upon arriving, the Rev. sat him down and sternly asked, Where is God ?

Billy sat there speechless, so the Rev asked louder, Where is God ?

Again no answer came from Billy, so the Rev. shook his finger in Billys
face and screamed, WHERE IS GOD ?

Billy screamed and bolted from the room, ran right home and dove into his closet, shutting the door behind him.

His older brother Joe watched this, slowly opened the door and asked,
What happened to you ?

Billy yelled, Were in big trouble this time, dude. God is missing and
they think WE did it.

A man is trying to understand the nature of God and asked him:
God, how long is a million years to you?

God answered: A million years is like a minute.

Then the man asked: God, how much is a million dollars to you?
And God replied: A million dollars is like a penny.

Finally the man asked: God, could you give me a penny?
And God says: In a minute.

Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the
Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy
Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them
to undress, and a small bell is tied to each mans penis.

In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer
costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first
candidate.

*Ting-a-ling*

Oh, Patrick, says the Monsignor, I am so disappointed
in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and
pray about your carnal weakness. The candidate leaves.

The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate,
slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil
drops:

*Ting-a-ling*

Joseph, Joseph, sighs the Monsignor. You too are unable
to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower
and pray for forgiveness.

The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final
candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his
body. No response. Finally, exhausted, she quits.

Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you, says the Monsignor.
Only you have the true strength of character needed to become
a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers.

*Ting-a-ling*