These two nuns are out for a walk when two men grab them, drag them into a
dark alley, and start raping them.
One nun, seeing their plight, says Forgive them Father, for they know not
what they do.
So the other nun says, Shut up! This one does!

Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said,
Its bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesnt find them.

The second nun said, Ive found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later.

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.

You get them at a chemist, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.

The next day the good sister went to the chemist and walked up to the counter.

Good morning, sister, the chemist said, what can I do for you today?

Id like some condoms please, said the nun.

The chemist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked,
How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.

Ill take six boxes. That should last about a week, said the nun.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice.

Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size.

The sister thought for a minute and finally said:
Im not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?

Two nuns are riding on a motorcycle.

The one in back says to the driver, Sister Mary Ellen, have you ever come this way before?

The one in front replies: No! It must be the cobblestones!

and then there was…

Two nuns where in the shower.

One says Wheres the soap?

The second says Yes it does doesnt it

Found posted in the Physical Planning Office at the Indiana University
of Pennsylvania. Author unknown.

Contractor – A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.

Bid Opening – A poker game in which the losing hand wins.

Bid – A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

Low Bidder – A contractor who is wondering what he left out.

Engineers Estimate – The cost of construction in heaven.

Project Manager – The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician
is in a different union.

Critical Path Method – A management technique for losing your shirt
under perfect control.

OSHA – A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print,
red tape, split hairs and baloney–usually applied at
random with a shotgun.

Strike – An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.

Delayed Payment – A tourniquet applied at the pockets.

Completion Date – The point at which liquidated damages begin.

Liquidated Damages – A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.

Auditor – Person who goes in after the war is lost and bayonets the
wounded.

Lawyer – Person who goes in after the auditors to strip the bodies.

A man sobering up from the night before was sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nodded off.



The priest had been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and was disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decided to make an example of him.



He said to his congregation, All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand. The whole room stood except, of course, the sleeping man.



Then the preacher said even more loudly, And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!



The weary man caught only the last part groggily stood up, only to find that he was the only one standing.



Confused and embarrassed he said, I dont know what were voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing up for it!

Theres this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?

The missionary says, Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say Thank God to make it go and Amen to make it stop.

Not paying much attetion, the man says, Sure, ok.

So he gets on the horse and says, Thank God and the horse starts walking. Then he says, Thank God, thank God, and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and hes doing everything he can to make the horse stop.

Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!

Finally he remembers, Amen!!

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, Thank God.

There were these three nuns that wanted the weekend off from being so holy. So they went up to the high priest and asked him for the day off. The priest said it was alright as long as they came back on Monday and told him what they did. The nuns agreed and scurried off. On Monday the nuns came back and went to the priest. The first nun was in confession and said to the priest, Forgive me father for I have sinned. The priest asked her what she had done. I ran down my street naked The priest shakes his head ad looks at the nun and says Go drink some holy water and say the Our Father 10 times. The nun obeys. Then third nun starts to snicker. The secnd nun goes into the room and says forgive me father for I have sinned. The priest looks at her and says What did you do? I watched a pornographich movie The priests shakes his head and looks at the nun. Go drink some holy water and then come back and say 20 Our Fathers The nun obeys. By this time the third nun is on the floor laughing. The priest comes over to her and asks And what did you do that was so funny? She smiles at him and says I peed in the holy water!

This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, I want to sell Bibles for you. OK, youre hired. Heres your kit; go sell!

The second came in and said, I want to sell Bibles for you. OK, youre hired! Heres your kit; go sell!

The third came in and said, I- i – I wa – wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi – bi – bi – Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!

No, shouted the man, this will never work! You cant sell Bibles for me! The applicant replied, B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!

As there were no other applicants, he man said, OK, Ill give you one shot at this, but I expect you to produce results, or youre fired!

At the end of the can, the first applicant comes back and reports, I sold 8 Bibles today. The second reports: I sold 11 Bibles today. The third worker reports, To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles! Great, says the man. However, I want you to sell lots more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!

At the end of the first day, the first worker comes in and reports, Today, I sold 32 Bibles. The second worker reports, I sold 44 Bibles today The third worker reports, To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles.

Fantastic, said the man, since youre doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why dont you tell them what your sales technique is. Replied the worker, I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b–b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi – want to buy a Bi–b–a – a- abi – buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to *READ* it to th- th- them?

A priest at a parochial school, wanting to point out the proper behavior for church, was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.Dont play with your food, one second-grader cited.Dont be loud, said another, and so on.And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat? the priest inquired of one little boy.Without batting an eye, the child replied, Order something cheap.

The Norse god Thor came down to earth in his human form to find a cute human girl for some entertainment. While hanging out at a bar, he realized that the only girl who was interested in him, although attractive, had a speech impediment. However, after a few drinks, thor decided to take her to a motel anyway, where he proceeded to give her the night of her life before slipping out the door when she fell asleep.

The next day, Thor felt bad for leaving her without even telling her who he was, so he went back to earth and knocked on her door.

Who ith it? she asked with a lisp.

Its me, the guy from last night. I just wanted to tell you that Im Thor.

You think YOURE Thor?! I wont be able to thit down for a week!