SCHIZOPHRENIA:

Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:

We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA:

I Think Ill Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC:

Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC:

Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and…

PARANOID:

Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER:

You Better Watch Out, Im Gonna Cry,

Im Gonna Pout, Maybe Ill tell you Why.

DEPRESSION:

Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock …

… (better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:

On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:

Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

I may not like Green ham or eggs,
but I sure love your long, thin legs.
Marvin K. Mooney, will you please come now?!?
From far or near or here or there,
havent I seen you before somewhere?
Thats not the only place this Sneetch has a star, Baby.
Sally from Whoville, whats your sign?
Lets blow this joint – your thneed or mine?
Yknow, after he stole it, the Grinch hid Christmas – in my pants.
I love someone who knows what wine goes with red fish or blue fish.
Is that a Cat in your Hat or are you just happy to see me?
I hate this place — the crowds so phony! Say, care to ride me like a pony?
My heart aint the only thing two sizes too large, if you know what I mean.
On a boat, in a car, with your toes all curled – Oh, the places well go when I rock your world!
Howd you like to be in my next book: Great Legs and Ass?
I do not like my wife, you see.
I do not like her, no sirree.
Her looks accuse, her words disparage,
and so we have this open marriage.
Each book makes a million, a zillion, or three. Would you, could you, come home with me?

and the Number 1 Dr. Seuss Pick Up Line…

In all of Hooterville, where theres Hooters supreme, yours are the best of the Hooters Ive seen!

[ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]

Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus!

15> Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.

14> Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.

13> Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.

12> Three Words: Daylight Savings Time

11> Cant enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck
yelling, Look Ma! Its Elvis!

10> After 45 years of Communist rule, its impossible to find
clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.

9> After 100 years of trying, still cant score with Elvira.

8> No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.

7> With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs
are suddenly off-limits.

6> No warm blood for miles around DC.

5> Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.

4> No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.

3> Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized
hardbodies.

2> Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.

and the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires…


1> Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.

Dear Santa:

Listen you fat little troll, Ive been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but ITS DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here by next Christmas, or Im gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you wont wanna be around to smell it). So, heres my holiday wish list for 1997:

A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. Im sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?
Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
A REAL man… maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, Id take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And whats with that earring anyway? If Im gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.
Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
Breast reduction surgery. I dont care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.
A jogging bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just dont cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec!
A new, more 90s persona. Maybe PMS Barbie, complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; Animal Rights Barbie, with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or Stop Smoking Barbie, sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.
No more McDonalds endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.Mattel stock options. Its been 37 years – I think I deserve it. Ok, Santa, thats it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I dont think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. Its that simple.

Yours truly — Barbie

RAINY-WWW

Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.

The stockings were hung
by the chimney with care.
Theyd been worn all week
and needed the air.

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

How about some perfume? he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.

Thats a bit much, said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.

Thats still quite a bit, Tom groused.

Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.

Tom grew agitated, What I mean, he said, is Id like to see something real cheap.

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

My friend Steve, the priest, told me this one:

Q: Why are Christmas trees and priests alike?

A: Because they both have balls and are only used for decoration.

Yet another parrot joke:

Last week a woman entered a local pet-shop with the intention of purchasing
a talking bird. However, it seems a lot of people are going to receive
talking parrots for Christmas this year, as the shopkeeper had sold her
entire stock of speaking pets, except for one rather attractive Macaw.
It turned out that this bird had lived in the local massage parlour prior
to being sold to the pet-shop. Despite this the woman purchased the Macaw
and took him home to show the family. As soon as she had the bird settled
on a perch at her home he looked around and said:

Arrrk, new joint, new madam! Arrrk!

Later that day the womans two daughters arrived home from high school.
Upon seeing the teenagers the Macaw yelled:

Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls! Arrrk!

Then father came home from the office and when our feathered friend saw him
the bird squawked:

Arrrk, new joint, new madam, new girls, same old customers. Gday Jimmy!

Q: How do you get a one-armed redneck out of a tree?

A: Wave.