You might be a redneck if you go fishing and then to McDonalds on your honeymoon.

Havent you ever had the urge to loose control when ordering that burrito or burger and drink combo?1. Ask for last months specials.2. Place your order in three different languages if you dont know any, make them up.3. When they repeat your order totally change it. Repeat as desired.4. Order a whopper from McDonalds, when they say they dont have whoppers insist that they do. If they still argue demand to see a manager then when you talk to them order a normal meal and say i dont know whats up with kids these days.5. Go to any burger joint and order Chinese.6. When ordering in the drive through, ask if its happy hour on draft beer.7. In summer turn stereo up full volume to Christmas music while ordering in drive through.8. Drive in the drive through, park, then go inside and order.9. Go through the drive through in reverse, again.10. Wait for the busiest time of day, after paying get out of car, get jack out of trunk and proceed to rotate tires.11. Check oil in drive through, possibly touch up the windscreen with some glass cleaner.12. Walk up to drive through window with hands in the air like your holding onto a steering wheel.13. Go through drive through and ask for directions to the place youre at.14. Go through drive through naked, excluding the rabbit slippers of course!15. Go inside and ask in a load voice if they got rid of the Ebola problems theyve been having16. Argue with your passenger (thats not there) and continue until you pay.17. When they ask if that will be all tell them to hold on, your dog wont make up his mind.18. After eating half your meal return it and say you got the wrong thing and ask for a refund.19. As youre pulling away and they say Have a nice day! (with that retarded smile) put the car in reverse and ask them what the hell thats supposed to mean.20. Order something from one fast food place then go to another drive through when they give you you

You might be a redneck if you pee in the pool… off the highdive!

Guaranteed spot on Geraldo
In family Christmas card photo, youll always be at the top of the pyramid
Two words: engagement tattoo
You have a say in who the three of you will marry next
Theyre really rich
On wedding night, you get to operate the winch
Finally satisfy your family whos been nagging you to settle down with some nice man and woman
Your very own five-inch section of the bed
When you marry Roseanne, you automatically get your own TV show
No leftover wedding cake

RUDOLPHS NIGHT OFF

by Baxter Black

Twas the night before Christmas and Rudolph was lame!
The vet from the North Pole said, Footrots to blame

Ill give him some sulfa, its the best I can do
But stall rest is needed the next week or two.

Great Scott! cried old Santy, he turned with a jerk.
I wont git through Pierre if my headlight dont work!

On Interstate 40 Ill surely get fined
And lost in Montana if Im flying blind!

No cop in his right mind would give any clout
To a geezer who claimed that his reindeer went out!

He gathered the others, ol Donner and Blitzen.
Were any among em whose nose was tranmitzen?

They grunted and strained and made sure made a mess
But no noses glowed brightly or ears luminesced.

Its bad luck in bunches, cried Santy, distressed.
Well fly Continental, the Red Eye express!

Ill just check the schedule, he put on his glasses
When up stepped ol Billy, the goat from Lampasas.

He shivered and shook like a mouse on the Ark
But his horns were a beacon … They glowed in the dark!

Santy went crazy! He asked Why? with a smile
I just ate a watch with a radium dial!

Where I come from in Texas we dont have thick hide
So my skin is so thin it shines through from inside.

If thats true then lets feed him! cried Santy with glee
Gather everything burnin and bring it to me!

So Billy ate flashbulbs and solar collectors,
Electric eels and road sign reflectors,

Firecracker sparklers, a Lady Schick shaver
And Lifesavers, all of em wintergreen flavor,

Jelly from phosphorescellous fish,
Day Glow pizza in a glittering dish,

Fireflies and candles and stuff that ignites,
Then had him a big bowl of Northering Lights!

He danced on the rug and petted the cat
And after hed finished and done all of that

To store up the static lectricity better
They forced him to eat two balloons and a sweater!

Then he opened his mouth, light fell on the floor
Like a fridge light comes on when you open the door!

His Halloween smile couldnt be better drawn
When he burped accidently, his high beams kicked on!

Hitch him up! cried ol Santy, and they went on their way.
I remember that Christmas to this very day.

The sky was ablaze with the stars shining bright.
They were shooting and falling all through the night.

And I realize now, though my fingers are crossed
What I really was seein … was ol Billys exhaust!

Q: Why does Santas sled get such good mileage?
A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.

December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards. December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener. December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself. December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. December 7
Debug Windows 2000 December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11
Lay Faberge egg.December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade Holiday Scents in case tires are shot out at mall.December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioners sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank. December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas. Festoon windows with worthless stock. December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri. December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness

On Christmas Eve, a young boy with light in his eyes
Looked deep into Santas, to Santas surprise
And said as he sat on Santas broad knee,
I want your secret. Tell it to me.

He leaned up and whispered in Santas good ear
How do you do it, year after year?
I want to know how, as you travel about,
Giving gifts here and there, you never run out.

How is it, Dear Santa, that in your pack of toys
You have plenty for all of the worlds girls and boys?
Stays so full, never empties, as you make your way
around the whole world, The reindeer pulling your sleigh

From rooftop to rooftop, to homes large and small,
From nation to nation, reaching them all?
And Santa smiled kindly and said to the boy,
Dont ask me hard questions. Dont you want a toy?

But the child shook his head, and Santa could see
That he needed the answer. Now listen to me,
He told that small boy with the light in his eyes,
My secret will make you sadder and wise.

The truth is that my sack is magic. Inside
It holds millions of toys for my Christmas Eve ride.
But although I do visit each girl and each boy
I dont always leave them a gaily wrapped toy.

Some homes are hungry, some homes are sad,
Some homes are desperate, some homes are bad.
Some homes are broken, and the children there grieve.
Those homes I visit, but what should I leave?

My sleigh is filled with the happiest stuff,
But for homes where despair lives toys arent enough.
So I tiptoe in, kiss each girl and boy,
And I pray with them that theyll be given the joy

Of the spirit of Christmas, the spirit that lives
In the heart of the dear child who gets not, but gives.
If only God hears me and answers my prayer,
When I visit next year, what I will find there

Are homes filled with peace, and with giving, and love
And boys and girls gifted with light from above.
Its a very hard task, my smart little brother,
To give toys to some, and to give prayers to others.

But the prayers are the best gifts, the best gifts indeed,
For God has a way of meeting each need.
Thats part of the answer. The rest, my dear youth,
Is that my sack is magic. And that is the truth.

In my sack I carry on Christmas Eve day
More love than a Santa could ever give away.
The sack never empties of love, or of joys
Cause inside it are prayers, and hope. Not just toys.

The more that I give, the fuller it seems,
Because giving is my way of fulfilling dreams.
And do you know something? Youve got a sack, too.
Its as magic as mine and its inside of you.

It never gets empty, its full from the start.
Its the centre of lights, and love. Its your heart.
And if on this Christmas you want to help me,
Dont be so concerned with the gifts neath your tree.

Open that sack called your heart, and share
Your joy, your friendship, your wealth, your care.
The light in the small boys eyes was glowing.
Thanks for your secret. Ive got to be going.

Wait, little boy, Said Santa, dont go.
Will you share? Will you help? Will you use what you know?
And just for a moment the small boy stood still,
Touched his heart with his small hand and whispered, I will.

1. You strike a match and light your nose.

2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

3. You hear a duck quacking and its you.

4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.

5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.

6. You hear someone say, Call a priest!

7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.

8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.

9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

10. You tell everyone you have to go home… and the partys at your place.

11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.

13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room… and realize youre in front of the hall mirror.

14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.

15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

For those of you that might not have heard the REAL story of Christmas, enjoy!
And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed. (And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.) And all went to be taxed, everyone into his own city.
And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judaea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David) To be taxed with Mary his espoused wife, being great with child.
And so it was, that, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should deliver. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger; because there was no room for them in the inn.
And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not; for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddled clothes, lying in a manger.
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.
And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, Let us go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which has come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us. And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the baby lying in a manger. And when they had seen it, they made known abroad the saying which was told them concerning this child. And all they that heard it wondered at those things which were told by the shepherds. But Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart.
And the shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things that they had heard and seen, as it was told unto them.
Luke 2:1-20, KJV