Twas the night before Christmas,
Yet he slept all alone.
In a one-bedroom house,
Made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney
With presents to give,
And to see just what man
In this small house did live.
I looked all about,
What a strange site to see.
No tinsel, no presents,
Not even a tree.
No stockings by the fire,
Just boots spit shined bright.
Then something else gleamed,
Reflecting the moonlight.
They were medals and badges,
Awards of all kinds.
And a sobering thought
Soon came to my mind.
For this house was different,
Unlike any Id topped.
This was the home of an officer,
The home of a cop.
Id heard stories about them,
And I had to see more.
So I walked down the hall,
And pushed open the door.
And there he lay sleeping,
Silent and alone.
Curled up on his bed,
In this one-bedroom home.
He seemed so gentle,
His face weathered tan,
I soon understood
That this was more than a man.
For I realized the families
That I saw this night,
Owed their lives to these people
Who were willing to fight.
Soon round the nation
The children would play,
And grown-ups would celebrate
On a bright Christmas day.
They all enjoyed safety
Each month, and all year
Because of officers like him,
This man lying here.
I couldnt help wonder
How many were on patrol.
All alone on Christmas Eve
Out in the shivering cold.
I watched him for hours,
So silent and so still,
And I noticed that he shivered,
From the cold nights chill.
So I took off my jacket,
The one made of red.
And I covered this officer
From his toes to his head.
Then I put on His jacket
With the badge of silver and gold,
With the words Police Officer
Emblazoned so bold.
Though it barely fit me
I began to swell with pride,
And for one shining moment
I was an officer inside.
I didnt want to leave him
So quiet in the night,
This guardian of justice,
So willing to fight.
But half asleep he rolled over,
And in a voice clean and pure
Said, Carry on Santa – its Christmas,
All here is secure.
One look at my watch
And I knew he was right.
Merry Christmas my friend,
Code four and good night.

Should the tree be real or fake?
Yuppie Solution: Live tree, planted after use

Male Solution: Fake tree, discarded after use

Female Solution: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits

Reality: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with furballs

Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
Yuppie Solution: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm

Male Solution: Bulbs flash logo of football team

Female Solution: Elegant flickering candles

Reality: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down

Should the tree be topped with an angel or a star?
Yuppie Solution: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype

Male Solution: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt

Female Solution: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas

Reality: Hells Angel steals the tree and the gifts

Do you fling or hang tinsel?
Yuppie Solution: Empower each strand w/self-determining skills

Male Solution: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree

Female Solution: Each icicle hangs like strand of spaghetti

Reality: More icicles on floor than on tree

Do you open gifts on Christmas Eve or Morning
Yuppie Solution: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules

Male Solution: Anytime, just so it doesnt interfere with football

Female Solution: Anytime the entire family is present

Reality: Doesnt matter, everyones peeked anyway

Fathers Day in the 1900s and today

Today is one of the first Fathers Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didnt have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:

In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.

Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

In 1900, a fathers horsepower meant his horses.

Today, its the size of his minivan.

In 1900, if a father put a roof over his familys head, he was a success.

Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And thats just the vacation home.

In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.

Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.

In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.

Today, kids wouldnt touch Dads clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.

In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.

Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.

In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.

Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.

In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.

If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.

In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, Wake up, its time for school.

Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: Wake up, its time for hockey practice.

In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.

Today, a father comes home to a note: Jimmys at baseball, Cindys at gymnastics, Im at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge.

In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.

Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons ears and shout, WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE..

In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.

Today, a father spends $800 at Toys R Us, and the kid screams: I wanted Sega!

In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.

Today, its Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.

In 1900, a Fathers Day gift would be a hand tool.

Today, hell get a digital organizer.

In 1900, fathers said, A mans home is his castle.

Today, they say, Welcome to the money pit.

In 1900, a good day at the market meant Father brought home feed for the horses.

Today, a good day at the market means Dad got in early on an IPO.

In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.

Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonalds.

In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.

Today, a fathers involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.

In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.

Today, kids glance up and grunt, Dad, youre invading my space.

In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.

Today, fathers break the ice by saying, So…how long have you had that earring?

In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.

Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.

In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.

In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.

Dont ya just love the holidays, when everyone is just so full of the spirit of the season and joy and good will towards men? As a plain old country boy now living in the big city, I wanted to share the warmth and joy I felt with all these nice city folk.

The other day I went to the local religious book store, to locate something to share with others, and while I couldnt find any with a Christmas theme, I saw a Honk if You Love Jesus bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car; tell yall what, Im really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at a light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the upcoming Holidays and all, and didnt notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I easily found several people who loved Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because, he leaned out his window and even yelled, Jesus Christ!!! as loud as he could.

Others started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

Luckily, I had just asked my two kids just the other week what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. What a joy to share.

Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldnt hear him very well, but it sounded like, Mother trucker. How nice that that industry is finally accepting women drivers and all. What joyful times we live in.

Then I noticed that the light had changed, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only one to get across the intersection. I looked back at them, leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign, as I drove away. Praise the Lord. I drove on, my faith renewed for being able to share my Holiday joy with such wonderful folks.

Tell ya what yall. Until all this happened, I thought that City of Brotherly Love stuff was just that – stuff! May you all find ways to share and express the spirit of the season just like I did.

Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

A man and his wife went to the company Christmas party where the man has a little too much to drink.



He staggers down the stairs, completely hung over, and makes his way to the breakfast bar. His wife poors him a cup of coffee.



With his head in his hand, he asks Damn, honey. What happened last night?



She replies, It wasnt a pretty sight.



He asks, What do you mean?



Well she replies, You were not on your best behavior and your boss was extremely upset.



He was, he moans.



Yes she replies, He sure was.



Aahhh, PISS ON HIM! he says.



You did, she replies. Honey, You got fired last night.



I got fired? he questions.



Yes she answers You got fired



Aahhh, FUCK HIM! he says.



She replies, I did, you start back Monday morning!

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the trailor.
My sister woke up, while I was trying to nail er.

The socks was all hung, on my big mounted bass,
In hopes that St. Leon would be hauling ass.

The younguns bunked down, all snug on the floor,
Each one had a dip, so they slept near the door.

Sis in her 105 shirt, and her John Deere cap,
Looked purty as a naked silouhette on a truck mud flap.

When out in the dog pen, there arose such a clatter,
I got up from sis, to see what was the matter.

When what to my swollen red eyes should I see,
A pink Coup De Ville, 1973.

He staggered so much, I thought, What was he on?
And could I buy some of that, from old St. Leon?

All my dogs started barkin, he started to shout,
Dogs hate St. Leon, you figure it out.

Hey Whitey, Hey Crackerboy, he called me by name,
So I called off my dogs, and hauled up the game.

When he stepped on my porch, there was such a vibration,
I thanked God I installed a concrete foundation.

He was dressed all in fur, and chains made of gold,
On his feet were Air Jordens, I specked he stoled.

Yes, he had toys, there was no mistakin,
But I still wasnt sure if he was given, or taken.

It was then that he pulled a knife from his sack,
As I readied myself for a Leon attack.

St. Leon surprised me and gave me great glee,
When he gift wrapped the knife, and put it under the tree.

He continued by filling the socks up with skoal,
His good deeds made me feel, like a major bung hole.

Then layin his finger on the gold stud on his nose,
He said, Hey Opey Taylor, I gots to goes.

He jumped in his caddy, and turned on the ignition,
Drove down the dirt road, to continue his mission.

I heard him yell out, as I opened a beer,
Hey you honky white trash, see you mofos next year.

This was written and produced by the Rock and Roll Breakfast on MAGIC 105, a radio station here in Little Rock. Reprinted with out their permission, but since their not on the list, and you dont know their E-mail address, I feel relatively safe in sending this in.

Twas the night before Christmas, in Texas, you know.

Way out on the prairie, without any snow.

Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,

A dreamin of Christmas, like me and you.

Not stockings, but boots, at the foot of their bed,

For this was Texas, what more need be said,

When all of a sudden, from out of the still night,

There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright.

And I saw cross the prairie, like a shot from a gun,

A loaded up buckboard, come on at a run,

The driver was Geein and Hawin, with a will,

The horses (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.

Come on there Buck, Poncho, & Prince, to the right,

Therell be plenty of travelin for you all tonight.

The driver in Levis and a shirt that was red,

Had a ten-gallon Stetson on top of his head.

As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight,

With his beard and moustache, so curly and white.

As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke,

And were so astonished, that neither one spoke.

And he filled up their boots with such presents galore,

That neither could think of a single thing more.

When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,

He asked in a whisper, Are you really Santa Claus?

Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?

And he smiled as he gave a mysterious wink.

Then he leaped in his buckboard, and called back in his drawl,

To all the children in Texas, Merry Christmas, You-all

Two rednecks decide that they arent going anywhere in life and think
they should go to college to get ahead.

The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math,
History, and Logic.

Whats Logic? the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, Let me give you an example. Do you
own a weed eater?

I sure do.

Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard, replies the
professor.

Thats real good! says the redneck.

The professor continues, Logic will also tell me that since you have
a yard, you also own a house.

Impressed, the redneck says, Amazin!

And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.

Thats Betty Mae! This is incredible! The redneck is obviously
catching on.

Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are
heterosexual, said the professor.

Youre absolutely right! Why thats the most fascinatin thing I ever
heard! I cant wait to take that logic class!

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into
the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.

So what classes are ya takin? asks the friend.

Math, History, and Logic! replies the first redneck.

What in tarnation is logic?! asks his friend.

Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater? asks the first
redneck.

No, his friend replies.

Logically thinkin youre queer, aint ya?

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.
4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!
6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.
8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King…
9. …but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that theyre astronaut food.
10. Follow patrons of B. Daltons around while reading aloud from Dianetics.
11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
12. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that its a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, You mean you really cant see it?
13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.
14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.
16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
17. If youre patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
18. Sprint up the down escalator.
19. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the hidden picture.
20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.
21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether theres much meat on them.
24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swane.
27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.
28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, I see London, I see France…
30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
31. Play the tuba for change.
32. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play Jesus Built My Hotrod.
33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will give you a really wicked buzz.
35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have any giant crap made out of straw.
36. Toast plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.
39. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing Saved by the Bell. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling scratch one flattop!
41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are leakproof.
42. Play the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether theyre real.
45. If its Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap.
46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say Dominos.
47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.
48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
49. Show people your drivers license and demand to know whether theyve seen this man.
50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasnt turned blue yet.