• Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

• Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.

• Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPNs homepage to your bookmarks.

• You have a to do list that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.

• You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.

• Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.

• You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inter-office Mail painfully slow.

• You assume any question about whether to valet park or not is rhetorical.

• You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet. (you actually dine standing over the kitchen sink or lounging on the sofa.)

• Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

• Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products dont even exist anymore.

• You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.

• You get all excited when its Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.

• You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.

• You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

• You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

• You think that progressing an action plan and calendarizing a project are acceptable English phrases.

• You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next door neighbors.

• You ask your friends to think out of the box when making Friday night plans.

• You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.

• You think a half-day means leaving at 5 oclock.

Theres these three guys who walk into a hotel and ask for three different rooms. The clerk says ok but some people say this place is haunted by a ghosts. Ahh who cares we want some sleep, replied one of them.



so they all got different rooms. the first guy is unpacking his stuff when this ghosts comes ans says Im the ghost of lambourgigi Ill cut of your balls and eat your wenie.



he eats his penis and goes away.





The next guy is unpacking his stuff when the ghost comes and says Im the ghost of lambourgini Ill cut off your balls and eat your winie. And he does it and leaves.





the last guy is unpacking his stuff when the ghost comes and says Im the ghost of lambourgini Ill cut off your balls and eat your winie. the guy replies , well Im the ghost of christmas past touch my balls i kick your ass!

• Your last name stays put.

• The garage is all yours.

• Wedding plans take care of themselves.

• Chocolate is just another snack.

• You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

• You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

• Car mechanics tell you the truth.

• You dont give a rats ass if someone notices your new haircut.

• The world is your urinal.

• Hot wax never comes near your private areas.

• You never have to drive to another gas station because this ones just too icky.

• Same work … more pay.

• Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

• Wrinkles add character.

• You dont have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

• Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

• If you retain water, its in a canteen.

• People never glance at your chest when youre talking to them.

• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

• New shoes dont cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

• Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with So, notice anything different?

• One mood, ALL the damn time …

• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

• You dont have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

• You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me.

• You dont mooch off each others desserts.

• You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

• If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

• You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.

• You dont have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

• You dont have to shave below your neck.

• Your belly usually hides your big hips

• One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.

• You can do your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

• Christmas shopping can easily be accomplished for 25 relatives on December 24th … in 45 minutes.

Rudolf the Bengal reindeer. Copyright Mrs. G.Parry


(To the traditional tune of “Rudolf the red nosed reindeer” and last verse “Santa clause is coming to town”, played on Indian instruments.)

Rudolf the Bengal reindeer, had a very stripy coat.


And if you ever saw him, you would know it’s not a joke.


All of the other reindeer,


Used to laugh and call him names.


They wouldn’t let poor Rudolf,


Join in any reindeer games.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,


Santa called to say,


Rudolf with your coat so bright,


Won’t you pull my sleigh tonight.

Rudolf the Bengal reindeer


With a very shinny smile.


Knew that his luck was changing,


in a very little while.


Then how the reindeer worried


And they shouted out in fear


Rudolf the Bengal reindeer


He was getting much too near.

A sleigh with presents all aboard


A busy night ahead


Santa thought it very weird


How his Reindeer disappeared.

Rudolf the Bengal reindeer, had a very stripy coat.


And if you ever saw him, you would know its not a joke.


All of the elves and Santa


Knew that Rudolf couldn’t stay


They wouldn’t let poor Rudolf


They all chased him far away.

You’d better watch out


You’d better take care


You’d better not cry


I’m telling you why


Rudolf is coming to town


Grrrrrr.

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop said to the kid, Nice bike youve got there. Did Santa bring that to you?

The kid said, Yeah.

The cop said, Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike.

The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, By the way, thats a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?

Humouring the kid, the cop said, Yeah, he sure did.

The kid said, Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.

Q: How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?



A: Three. One to eat it and two to watch for cars.

Q: What kind of bird can write?
A: A PENguin.

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.

Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, Well, you just ask Mom. Shell tell you its much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel.

Two rednecks decided that they werent going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

Whats Logic? the first redneck asks.



The professor answers by saying, Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?



I sure do. Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard, replied the professor.



Thats real good! says the redneck. The professor continues, Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.



Impressed, the redneck says, Amazin! And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.



Thats Betty Mae! This is incredible! The redneck is obviously catching on.



Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual, said the professor.



Youre absolutely right! Why thats the most fascinatin thing I ever heard! I caint wait to take that logic class!!



The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.



So what classes are ya takin? asks the friend. Math, History, and Logic! replies the first redneck.



What in tarnation is logic??? asked his friend. Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater? asked the first redneck.



No, his friend replied.



Fag! Queer!

10. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that wouldve fit.

9. It would be ashame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.

8. Perfect for wearing in the basement.

7. Well, well, well…

6. I really dont deserve this.

5. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!

4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. If the dog buries it, Ill be furious!

2. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

1. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.