On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop says to the kid, Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?

The kid says, Yeah.

The cop says, Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, By the way, thats a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?

Humoring the kid, the cop says, Yeah, he sure did.

The kid says, Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horses brain instead of on his back.

Festivity Level One

Your guests are sitting around chatting, nibbling the party food, sipping their drinks. They are admiring your Christmas tree ornaments and stand around the piano singing carols.

Festivity Level Two

Your guests are talking loudly, occasionally to one another. They are wolfing down the food, gulping their drinks, rearranging your Christmas ornaments and sitting on the piano singing I Gotta Be Me.

Festivity Level Three

Your guests are holding conversations with inanimate objects, gulping other peoples drinks, wolfing down Christmas ornaments and dancing around the piano shouting the words to I Cant Get No Satisfaction.

Festivity Level Four

Your guests, food smeared across their naked bodies, are capering around the burning Christmas tree in some unholy ritual. The piano is missing.

Unless you rent your home, or own heavy firearms, you generally dont want your parties operating above Level Three. The true test of party success, however, is whether or not the police arrive.

If they do arrive, your job as host is to see that they dont arrest anyone. If they are intent on arresting someone, your job is to see that it isnt you.

Following is an example of how to successfully handle this situation.

Police: Weve come in response to the complaints.

You: Complaints? It isnt about the drugs, is it?

Police: No, sir, not drugs.

You: The guns, then? Theyre complaining about the guns?

Police: No, sir. Its about the noise.

You: Oh, thats all right then. Cause there sure arent any guns or drugs here, heh heh.

[An explosion sounds somewhere behind you]

You: Or fireworks either! The neighbors complained, did they?

Police: No, sir. The neighbors all fled inland hours ago. The recent complaints have come from Kansas.

[At this point a Volkswagen Bug, painted in various arcane symbols, roars out of the living room, down the hall past you and the policemen, out into the front yard and into the nearest tree. Eight naked bodies tumble out, moaning.]

You: There, you see? Its winding down already.

The Twelve Days After Christmas



The first day after Christmas

My true love and I had a fight

And so I chopped the pear tree down

And burnt it, just for spite



Then with a single cartridge

I shot that blasted partridge



My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.



The second day after Christmas

I pulled on the old rubber gloves

And very gently wrung the necks

Of both the turtle doves



My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.



On the third day after Christmas

My mother caught the croup

I had to use the three French hens

To make some chicken soup [peop100078_x51.WMF (46812 bytes)]



The four calling birds were a big mistake

For their language was obscene

The five golden rings were completely fake

and turned my fingers green.



The sixth day after Christmas

The six laying geese wouldnt lay

So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the A.S.P.C.A.



On the seventh day, what a mess I found

The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned

(I think theres a my true love gave to me in here somewhere)



The eighth day after Christmas

Before they could suspect

I bundled up the

Eight maids-a-milking

Nine ladies dancing

Ten lords-a-leaping

Eleven pipers piping

Twelve drummers drumming – well, actually I kept one of the

drummers –

And sent them back collect



I wrote my true love

We are through, love!

And I said in so many words

Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the

(Soprani) Birds!



(Everyone else) Four calling birds,

Three french hens,

Two turtle doves

And a partridge in a pear tree!

Twas the Night Before Christmas: Politically Correct Version



Twas the night before Christmas and Santas a wreck…

How to live in a world thats politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to Elves,

Vertically Challenged they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole

Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,

Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear

That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,

Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh

The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops

When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.

His fur trimmed red suit was called Unenlightened.

And to show you the strangeness of lifes ebbs and flows,

Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,

Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone and his wife,

Who suddenly said shed enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,

Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, hed neer had a notion

That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,

Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.

Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.

Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.

Nothing thats warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets…they were bad for the tooth.

Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,

Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological

Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football…someone could get hurt

Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe

And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed

He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,

But youve got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground

Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might

Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,

Each group of people, every religion

Every ethnicity, every hue,

Everyone, everywhere…even you.

So here is that gift, its price beyond worth…

May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.

Three young men, filled with Christmas cheer decided to serenade a number of their female acquaintances with songs of the season.

At Bettys house they sang the mistresss anthem, God Rest Ye Married, Gentlemen – and Betty welcomed the gesture warmly with a round of egg nog.

Encouraged, the trio moved on to Alices house, where they crooned the lament of the cherubs under stress, Hark, The Harried Angels Sing! Alice rewarded the smigers with glasses of steaming punch.

Buoyed by the spirits of the moment, the troubadours stopped next at Inas house. Unfortunately, no one was home. Keen to have her hear them, yet feeling somewhat fatigued by their musical efforts, the leader suggested that they return the next day. After all he observed we can always … carol Ina in the morning.

Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town…
Hang a stocking with your roommates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it.
Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
Sing All I want for Christmas is your two front teeth…
Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.
Smoke mistletoe. Do what comes naturally.
Take some miniature marshmallows and put them in a little baggie. Attach a note to the bag that has a picture of a snow man and this poem:

You have been naughty, and heres the scoop

All you get is the snowmans poop!

Bathroom key tied to an angry ferrett.
Christmas bonus is a swig from the company thermos.
Office intercom is two soup cans and a piece of string.
Hard to concentrate with all those 60 Minutes reporters hanging around.
Boss walks around wearing nothing but a Post-It note.
Every week, each cubicle is subdivided into four smaller cubicles.
Instead of White-Out, youre encouraged to use mayonnaise.
After a few hours on your desk, the people in your family photos stop smiling.
Cafeteria lunch special is whatever got caught in the glue trap.
No desk chairs – everybody squats.

Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?

Do you believe in people?

BUDAPEST (Reuters) – The annual pre-Christmas swine slaughter in a southwestern Hungarian village came to a shocking end after one man died of electrocution while trying to stun a pig, whose owner then died of heart attack.

Celebrations at the pig-killing party in Darvaspuszta took a turn for the worse on Saturday when an unnamed visiting Croatian man shocked himself to death while trying to knock out a pig with a homemade electric pig stunner, national news agency MTI said

A local man ended up in hospital with an irregular heart rhythm after attempting a rescue by trying to unplug the device.

The shocking accident so upset the pigs owner, he suffered a heart attack and died.

There was no word on the fate of the pig.