Twas the night before Christmas and Santas a wreck …

How to live in a world thats politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to Elves,

Vertically Challenged they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole

Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,

Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear

That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,

Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;

The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops

When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.

His fur trimmed red suit was called Unenlightened.

And to show you the strangeness of lifes ebbs and flows,

Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,

Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,

Who suddenly said shed enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,

Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, hed neer had a notion

That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,

Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.

Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.

Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.

Nothing thats warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets…they were bad for the tooth.

Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,

Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological

Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football…someone could get hurt;

Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;

And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;

He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,

But youve got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;

Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might

Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,

Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,

Everyone, everywhere … even you.

So here is that gift, its price beyond worth …

May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.

(c) Harvey Ehrlich, 1992

Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is free to distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact. All follow-ups, requests, comments, questions, distribution rights, etc. should be made to mduhan@husc.harvard.edu

A few year ago, we invited some friends over for a christmas party. Many of my colleagues were there, and many of them are German. Helmut, Franz, and Rudolf were there.

I was talking to Rudolf about his belief in the superiority of the communist party. I grew tired of the discussion so I motioned towards the window and commented on the weather. I believe its snowing.

No, it looks to wet to be snow, he said.

The argument went back and forth for a few minutes: rain, snow, rain, snow …

Then my wife came over and settled the argument for us. She said: Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear.

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?

With scare spray…

Men now have another excuse to avoid Christmas shopping – it could damage their health.

A British survey found male stress levels skyrocketed when they were forced to choose gifts and stand in the check-out queues of crowded stores.

Actual personal ads from actual newspapers all across America as collected by Kathy Hinckley in Plain Fat Chick Seeks Guy Who Likes Broccoli.

WOMEN SEEKING MEN

I like driving around with my two cats, especially on the freeway. I make them wear little hats so that I can use the carpool lane. Way too much time on your hands too? Call me. SWF, 42, 510, brown/blue.

SWF, 27, obnoxious, silly, pierced, tattooed, insane, hormonally unbalanced, Rollerblading, sushi-eating, cartoon-watching redhead from Hell, seeks Vlad. My neck is all yours. BITE ME.

Dont call me if you are uneducated; unemployed; unhealthy smoker; felon; under 30 years old, 510; over 40 years old, 68, 230 pounds; like cats, channel surfing; make less than $30,000 annually; or have body parts pierced. Others feel free.

MEN SEEKING WOMEN

Fat, flatulent, over-40, cigar-smoking redneck seeks sexy woman with big hair to cook, clean and pick up unemployment checks.

Desperate lonely loser, SWM, 32, miserable, apathetic, tired of watching TV and my roommates hair fall out. Seeks depressed, unattractive SWF, 25-32, no sense of humor, for long talks about the macabre.

Handsome DWM, 40, seeks loving, romantic S/DWF with round, bulging bubble butt and pretty face with monogamous intentions, 28-40.

Thick glasses, HP calculator, SAT 99th percentile, knows pi to 16 digits. Great job, big house, pool. SWM, 33, 60, 144 lbs. Better looking than Bill Gates.

And then there were these from the PERVCONNECTION:

I need to be punished! Well-off older WM needs expert discipline from young, under 30 men or women. Enjoy leg worship and harness-training.

Married WF seeks bald Asian dwarves for sex experiments. I love it when you little bastards are naked.

If interested in first-time group sex experience. Safe sex only with sensitive, attractive couples or groups, no animals. Age unimportant. Will travel. Lets be buddies!

Put on the rubber glove and call me sweetheart.

How to Tell if Youre a Grinch



This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Years resolutions:



1. You reuse last years Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).



2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbors outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbors whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).



3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).



4. You put out last years stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.



5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdales or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).



6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas Day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.



7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).



8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points).



9. After an invitation to a friends house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).



10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).



Evaluate your score on the Grinch Scale from 20 to 100:



20-30: You are just a cheeseball.

30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.

50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.

Here is an actual story from someone who wishes to remain anonymous. He
wanted to go out with this girl so he made up a petition to that effect,
got it signed by 50 people, and included a copy of this:

TOP 118 REASONS WHY TAMARA SHOULD GO OUT WITH ROB
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

His shoelaces are hardly ever untied
Doesnt pick his nose in public
Has never put a red shirt in with the whites
Was not directly responsible for the Holocaust
When getting off an elevator at a 20+ story building, he doesnt
push all the buttons so everyone has to stop at every floor
Elvis is dead and Bob Saget is married; whos left?
Reads National Geographic, and not just for the nude pictures
of African gorillas
His cat seems to like him
Hasnt wet his bed for at least two weeks now
Has his own Captain Kirk coffee mug
Always keeps his printer paper well-stocked
Doesnt turn into a werewolf during full moons
He hardly ever slurps when drinking soup
Knows the capital of Eritrea
Always manages to resist the urge to poke sharp objects into his ear
on the first date
Is very proficient at whistling the French national anthem
Is only mere words away from completing a New York Times crossword
puzzle he began in 1981
He is not an alien from another dimension bent on World destruction
Played no part in the Cuban Missile Crisis
Has never been Captain of, nor been aboard, the Exxon Valdez
Very rarely has homicidal tendencies
Makes excellent use of his spare time
DOES NOT OVERUSE THE CAPSLOCK KEY
He subscribes to the theory that the world is round
He does not make fun of Boutros-Boutros Ghalis name unnecessarily
Is mixing up dessert and desert less and less every day
He found Waldo
Has never passed out on any world leaders front lawn
Has never been fired by George Steinbrenner
Cried at the end of John Steinbecks Of Mice and Men
Has never found rude shapes in clouds
Tries not to giggle when he cuts one
Has never blatantly misused a blender
Rarely blacks out for more than a few seconds
Makes a real effort not to spit when he talks
Owns the Led Zeppelin box set and makes copies for his friends
Doesnt scrape his vegetables onto his grandmothers plate when
no one is looking
Wears male undergarments
Has never been struck by lightning while simultaneously being hit
by a falling meteorite
Is an accomplished tv-watcher
Has never been involved in the shipment of plutonium to Germany
Has never opened fire on an innocent group of unarmed people
Did not mastermind Julius Caesers death; that was Cassius
Owns issues 1-34 of Starman comics in near mint condition
Has Patrick Roys autograph
Had no trouble committing his phone number to memory
Regularly gets the high score on Super Mario Bros.
Rarely stares directly at the sun
Has never dumped in his pants while sliding into 2nd base
Has never broken into a bears home and eaten all his porridge
Has never given the bird to a lady over age 60
So far, has never resorted to cannibalism
Has never exploited the tradition of mistletoe to kiss his aunt
Never stares at someones wart for more than 2-3 minutes
Has never caused a traffic accident because he was fixing his make-up
Has no communicable diseases
No tyrannical system of government is named after him
Has no plans to ever give the Pope a wedgie
Was completely uninvolved in the trade that sent Doug Gilmour away
for Gary Leeman
Never rings doorbells and then runs away before they answer
Hard as it may be to believe, he has never lost a pole vault
competition
Never forgets his bug spray when going out into the woods
Has never pulled the football away from Charlie Brown
Very rarely ties cans to a cats tail
Hardly ever referred to as infernal
Has never suffered from lockjaw
Recognizes Xenon as a noble gas
Excellent at compiling purposeless lists
Would give up his appendix for the right woman
Great with kids; even better with roast beef
Holds the record for the highest spot on the cafeteria wall he got
his cheese to stick to in grade six.
Has never hit a silver-medalist in the knee with a club
The part he played in the bombing of Hiroshima is largely exagerated
Has never gambled away a girlfriend in Las Vegas, as well as many
other places in the world
Has managed so far not to decapitate himself
Gets fewer and fewer ice-cream headaches
Wouldnt smoke nor drink while pregnant
Has always managed to avoid being a victim of a piledriver
Has never locked himself in a car
Has never played a mean trick on Smokey the Bear
Does not use cruel mouse traps
Has never let Frank Sinatra down
Contrary to popular belief, does not comb his hair with a fork
Has never attempted to dance naked in a Jerry Lewis Telethon
Very rarely has delusions of God
Never placed a bet with Pete Rose
Its been over a year since he last got his neck tangled in a
telephone cord
Can sing Frere Jacques much better than Jean-Luc Picard
Rarely eats paste between meals
Is not the ominous voice in Mortal Kombat which says FINISH HIM!
just before a fatality
Usually remembers to take the shell off of an egg before eating it
Tied Jose Canseco in home runs last week
Was nowhere near the grassy knoll November 3rd 1963
Often resists the powerful temptation to shave rude swear words in
his hair
And when he just cant resist, its usually shaved somewhere where
you cant see it
Has managed to overcome a long-lasting desire to clean toasters in
a bath-tub
At Speedy, hes a somebody
At a touch of a button, can have a pizza delivered to him personally
in under 30 minutes
Unlike Vincent Van Gogh, would not chop off his ear for a girl
Enjoys better table manners than John Belushi
Is (marginally) more popular with feminists than Rush Limbaugh
If it came right down to it, he could beat the pants off of Steven
Hawking in a fair fight
Would never forget to clean the microwave after having placed a
small rodent inside
The rumours of his involvement in the Chernobyl crisis are mostly
unfounded
No longer bears a grudge against Santa Claus for failing to deliver
an automatic rifle in Christmas of 80
It is increasingly rare that he makes obscene phone calls to Bea
Arthur
Come on, hes not that much of an eyesore!
Is not fooled when given poisoned candy on Halloween from his mother
Refuses to play lets hide grandmas teeth
Can be easily entertained for hours with simple, one-piece toys
The sources which publicized his involvement in the Iran-Contra
scandal were unreliable
As of yet, has never overlooked the importance of regular, continuous
breathing
There is a refreshing absense of monsters under his bed these days
Has never smuggled tinker toys onto an international flight
Nevers pees in someone elses sink
His picking a fight with an inanimate object is quite uncommon
Is heterosexual, unmarried and has a pulse
Give me 118 reasons why she shouldnt

CONTRARY TO WHAT ONE MIGHT THINK, NO, THIS IS NOT THE STUPIDEST
THING THAT ROB HAS EVER DONE. BUT ITS IN THE TOP 118.

When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a dirty son of a bitch to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office Christmas Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, Id like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.



First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. Im very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours, too. About the water cooler incident, youll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didnt hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.



To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the bannister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.



Sam, you old cuss, youve just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, Id have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadnt been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.



Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure dont they? And the water is cold!!



Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. Well have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.



Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldnt remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.



To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jans panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it.



Urinating in everyones drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.



Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darnest to come to the picnic……

SCHIZOPHRENIA:

Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:

We Three Kings Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA:

I Think Ill Be Home For Christmas

NARCISSISTIC:

Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC:

Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and . . .

PARANOID:

Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

PERSONALITY DISORDER:

You Better Watch Out, Im Gonna Cry, Im Gonna Pout, Maybe Ill Tell You Why

DEPRESSION:

Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is Lonely

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:

Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, …….. (better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:

On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:

Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

From rec.humor.funny

Last year I had my chance to do the traditional thing of

shooting my own turkey for Thanksgiving . . . you should have

seen the people scatter in the meat department.