10. Thou shalt help other users.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

Your beautiful new VW Beetle is constantly being mistaken for the Oscar Meyer Turdmobile.
On the way to the fishin hole, Andy and Opie stop by your windshield for bait.
Greenpeace wont let you move the car for fear of displacing some dung beetles that have taken up residence.
Neighborhood kids offer: Mow your Volvo, sir?
Your pine tree air freshener is now a protected old growth forest.
Satellite photos reveal crop circles on your roof.
Wash Me appears on your trunk — chiseled with a jackhammer.
Impossible to drive with the kids always clamoring to have a look through the periscope.
Your cell phone antenna is really a sapling which took root.
The kids seem really freaked-out by those blood stains in the Bronco.
Visits to the farm always result in pigs humping your tires.
Kids write PLOW ME! on your trunk.
When you blow the horn, prairie dogs pop up from the hood.

and Topfive.coms Number 1 Sign Your Car Needs Cleaning…

That rank smell coming from under all those McDonalds bags? The missing baby!!!

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@topfive.com http://www.topfive.com/ ]
[ Do not forward, publish, broadcast, or use in any manner ]
[ without crediting The Top 5 List at www.topfive.com ]

Quit drinkin gas
Keep your television on a low setting, no higher than channel 5
Recycle Top Ten List entries
Recycle Top Ten List entries
Host late-night talk show that causes millions of Americans to turn off their television sets
Crap, thats a hard question… is wrestling on?
Instead of motor oil, lubricate your cars engine with Oil of Olay
Turn off the lights at Shea Stadium – would it really matter?
Say goodbye to your electric razor – get yourself some Epil-Stop & Spray
Become President – ignore the problem completely

MMI, Viacom Internet Services Inc.

CEO frequently overheard mumbling, Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Moe.
Your workday consists of coming in at 10, thinking up Top Five entries with 30 of your coworkers, then leaving at 4.
Dr. Kervorkian hired as Transition Consultant.
Windows 95 shutdown screen reads, Its Now Safe to Start Looking for Work.
Company softball team downsized to chess team.
Sudden proliferation of teen-age geek interns.
Your boss keeps asking you when he can show your cubicle.
Company president now driving a Hyundai.
Annual company holiday bash moved from Sheraton banquet room to abandoned Fotomat booth.
Old Milwaukee is beer of choice at company picnics.
Guard at front desk nervously fingers his revolver whenever you pass by.
Giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters.
Babes in Marketing suddenly start flirting with dorky personnel manager.
Employee Discount Days discontinued at Ammo Attic.
Company dental plan now consists of pliers and string.
and the Number 1 Sign Your Company Is Planning A Layoff…
President begins weekly meetings, Good morning, you ignorant bastards.

Top 10 Ways to get Drunk for Five Dollars or Less



Number 10. Be a frosh (freshman).



Its not true that every frosh can be knocked into unconsciousness by waving a tom collins under their nose, but as those of us who go hunting for frosh on New Kids night at the local dance holes know, the phenomena is not rare. Frosh are usually young, inexperienced, and sometimes even illegal to entice into your boudoir. If anyone can get drunk on five bucks, its them.



Number 9. Be female.



Chivalry is not dead! While you ladies cant expect guys to risk their life, or miss an episode of star trek for you, you may still be able to get some alcohol out of them. Try standing around the bar, sipping water with a grimace on your face. Dress smutty. Smile at guys as they walk by, the drunker geekier the better. If you want to get more than one drink out of a guy start talking about how hot it is. Act intoxicated. Become even more friendly. At an appropriate time have a friend come by and save you, then move on to the next guy.



Number 8. Try Medication.



Sleeping pills. Allergy pills. If it says do not take alcohol with this drug or do not operate a motorized vehicle while under the influence of this drug, it must be good! Intelligent students such as ourselves, while not having a shred of pharmaceutical knowledge, can see that these statements are a plot by alcohol producers to keep us buying large quantities of booze.



Number 7. If it ends in ol, drink it!



Alcohol isnt the only intoxicant ending in ol. Methanol, Butanol and Propanol are all fine safe intoxicants, often available at bargain prices. Stay away from aerosol, cholesterol, and drool.



Number 6. Sleep Deprivation and Sickness.



For some reason, your body doesnt want you to have any fun, and actively fights alcohol -enhancement. When youre sick, and tired, your bodys defenses are at their lowest. This means its often one of the most cost effective times to get plastered! Best of all, if you puke, you can blame it on the flu.



Number 5. Try Antifreeze



Hey, ten thousand deranged alcoholic street people cant be wrong!



Number 4. Smash and Grab.



Drunk on less than five bucks? Try drunk for free! If youre smart enough to figure out your news reader, chances are youre smart enough to plan a little robbery.



Number 3. Scavenge.



Go to any bar and youll usually see alcohol that people just dont want. Most often these finds will be at empty tables, with chairs with jackets on them that people also dont want. Grab the booze, and the jackets, and leave. Do so stealthily though. You wouldnt believe how many losers will pretend that they really wanted their cast offs. Finders keepers!



Number 2. Hang around with Losers or Generous People (same thing)



Some people are crazed enough to buy alcohol for other people, and expect nothing in return. Well, they might expect after they buy you a round that youll do the same, but you never signed any contract. Generous people usually stop buying alcohol when they realize what a cheap bastard you are, but losers will usually keep on doing it. Theyll be so overwhelmed by the fact that youre actually talking to them, they wont worry about little details, like that theyre spending their tuition money to get you pissed.





And now …(drum-roll)… The Number 1 Way to get Drunk



for Five Dollars or Less: … Make Beer Fast!



Finger the originator of this article, an address will be given. Mail one beer to this address. Using saturation posting techniques, repost this article to enough newsgroups for about a

million people to see it. Within a few weeks youll have received a million beers. In another few weeks the postal system will collapse…

Top Ten Legal Phrases That Sound Dirtier Than They Really Are:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge!

8. Counselor, lets do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isnt:

1. Think you can get me off?

From todays USA Today: Top 10 things that Nancy Kerrigan wouldnt want to hear from her Olympic roommate, Tonya Harding:

No, I insist, you go first.
Your cocoa is the one on the left, and honest, its suppose to be that color.
Well, yeah, now that you mention it, I guess the tub is kind of slippery.
I know, lets pretend youre a pinata.
Ill design the kneepad, you endorse it. Well make a foutune!
Do you have any idea how Katarina feels about prractical jokes?
Oh. I guess those dont go in the microwave.
OK, so Ive watched the shower scene from Psycho nine straight times. Whats your point?
Someone named Knuckles? For me?
Enough, already. It was only a knee!

Your mama is so poor that when I walked in your backyard and stepped on a cochroach, she said, Thanks for killing dinner.

How do chinese people name their kids?
Throw a fork at the wall and name their kid after the sound.