My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I
am at peace with that.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for
no reason after my human has finished watching a horror
movie.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the
aquarium.

I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly
not proceed to stuff them down the sinks drain.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come
home and puke them up so the humans can see that Im getting
plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in,
and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It
took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the
hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished
watching The X-Files.

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night
snacks.

I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the
middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at
the top of my lungs so that my human
can admire my kill.

I will not perch on my humans chest in the middle of the
night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding
Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans bed while
theyre trying to sleep.

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall
behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do
the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside
to chase leaves.

I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes
just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful
I am.

I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty
after sitting in my water bowl.

I will not intrude on my humans candle-lit bubble bath and
singe my bottom.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is
something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my
human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer
before it dissolves in boiling coffee.

When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will
not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my
human.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
It is not necessary to check every door.

Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down
and try to open it up to get the birds out.

I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird
feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds
to just fly in.

I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and
will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into
floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a
personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There
have been for several years. I dont have to act as if Ive just
discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of
them appears in my window.

I will not play dead cat on the stairs while people are trying
to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it
will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and
attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my humans head repeatedly when shes on the
family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not*
a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely
tail.

I am a walking static generator. My human doesnt need my help
installing a new board in her computer.

I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping
on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial
button.

I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.

I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing
important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.

Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters), stay in the
house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside.
I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for
finding a frog to put in the fish tank.

I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door.
They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they werent
laughing so hard.

I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig
likes to sleep once in a while.

The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to
remain in its bowl.

I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to
stay there until I get hungry.

I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the
toilet.

I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding
up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it
so that they adhere to the underside.

I will learn to relax at the vets office so they will start
writing things in my records like Good Kitty and Sweet Kitty
instead of the stuff thats there now like MEAN!! BITER!!!
and GET HELP!!!!!

I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on
the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can
now pet me.

I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much
they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.

If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that
the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

If I must give a present to my humans overnight guests, my toy
mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach,
even if it isnt as tasty.

I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I
will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the
floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and
make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to
make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when
my humans take the catnip toy away from me.

A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.