Old and New Jokes

Muchas veces… cuando llorás… nadie se percata de tus lágrimas…

Muchas veces… cuando estás triste… nadie se percata de tu tristeza…

Muchas veces… cuando estás preocupado nadie se da cuenta de tu preocupación…

Muchas veces… cuando estás deprimido nadie nota tu depresión…

Muchas veces… cuando estás feliz… nadie se percata de tu sonrisa…

Pero… tirate un pedito, aunque sea chiquito o sacate un moquito, haciéndote el disimulado… y no es joda, vas a ver que por lo menos 2 o 3 hijos de mil putas se dan cuenta de lo que estás haciendo!

A woman goes to her boyfriends parents house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasnt loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriends father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the womans feet and said in a rather stern voice, Skippy!.

The woman thought, This is great! and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didnt even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked and the dog and yelled, Dammit Skippy!

Once again the woman smiled and thought Yes!. A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didnt even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing! Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!

How many Ken Starrs does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it costs forty million dollars, and takes a long time
because he keeps asking about the screw part.

Why isnt Monica Lewinsky talking to the press?

Shes under a gag order.

Q. Why do Mexicans drive lowriders?

A. So they can pick cabbage and drive at the same time.

666
The number of the Beast

664
The Neighbor of The beast

667
Across the street from the Beast

660
Estimated number of the Beast

666-66-6666
SSN of the Beast

666.0666
The number of the High-Performance Beast

0.666
Number of the milliBeast

1/666
The Denominator of the Beast

666[-/(-1)]
The Imaginary Number of the Beast

1010011010
The Binary Number of the Beast

29A
The Hexidecimal Number of the Beast

1-666
The Area Code of the Beast

60666
The Zip Code of the Beast (somewhere in Chicago)

1-900-666-6666
The Psychic Beast ($6.66 for 666 seconds – over 18, please)

$666.00
MSRP of the Beast

$726.66
The price, including sales tax, delivered

$10,666.95
Price, with leather, sun-roof, and radials

$566.69
The Wal-mart price of the Beast

Phillips 666
The gas the Beast runs best on

Route 666
The road the Beast likes best

666ºF
The temperature at which to roast Beast

666 k
Retirement plan of the Beast

666 mg
Minimum Daily Required dosage of Beast

6.66%
Annual Percentage Rate on a mortgage from First Beast Bank

DSM-666(r)
Diagnostic and Statistics Manual of the Beast (revised)

Lotus 6-6-6
Spreadsheet of the Beast

DOS 6.66
Operating system of the Beast

i68666
CPU of the Beast

666tii
BMW of the Beast

Q: Why do lawyers always wear neck ties?

A: To keep the foreskin from flopping up and hitting them in the face.

Drug Dealers
Software Developers

Refer to their clients as users.
Refer to their clients as users.

The first ones free!
Download a free trial version…

Have important Asian connections.
Have important Asian connections.

Strange jargon:

Stick
Rock
Wrap
E
Stash
Drive-by
Hit (LSD)
Source
The Pigs

Strange jargon:

SCSI
RTFM
Packet
C
Cache
CTRL ALT DEL
Hit (WWW)
Source-code
Microsoft

Realise that theres tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
Realise that theres tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.

Clients really like your stuff when it works. When it doesnt work they
want to kill you.
Clients really like your stuff when it works. When it doesnt work they
want to kill you.

Job is assisted by the industrys producing newer, more potent product.
Job is assisted by the industrys producing newer, more potent product.

Often seen in the company of pimps, hustlers and low-lifes.
Often seen in the company of marketing people, venture capitalists and
fund managers.

When things go wrong, a fix is just a phone call away, but may be
expensive.
When things go wrong, a fix is just a phone call away, but may be
expensive.

A lot of people are getting rich while still teenagers.
A lot of people are getting rich while still teenagers.

Product causes unhealthy addictions.
DOOM, Quake, SimCity, Duke Nukem 3D…

Do your job well and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on
you.
Damn! Damn!!!

Whats green and smells like pork?

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you!