Old and New Jokes

Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?

Suzie: Dont bite any!

Arriving in HeavenThree men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.

St. Peter: Hi, whats your name?

Paul: My name is Paul.

St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

Paul: 120K.

St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?

Paul: I was a lawyer.

St. Peter: Thats great. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, whats your name?

Roger: My name is Roger.

St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?

Roger: 60K.

St. Peter: Hey, thats great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a living?

Roger: I was an accountant.

St. Peter: Thats very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, whats your name?

John: My name is John.

St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died?

John: About $23,000.

St. Peter: Hey, thats fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?

Fellow 1: Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too.

Fellow 2: Wow, thats Incredible. How did he know all of that?

Fellow 1: The judge told him.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Germany!
Germany who!
Germany people knocking on your door?

Never bet on a loser because you think his luck is about to change.

I went out with this girl who was so black,
when she got out of the car, the oil light came on.

The FBI has called in Ms. Lewinsky to face charges of destroying evidence.
It seems she has been washing out her panties without the courts permission.

A college professor of logic was attempting to teach his young son the principles of clear thinking and the necessity for defining all terms. He pointed to a wall clock which had just struck.

Now, if I were to take a hammer and smash the clock, he queried, could I be arrested for killing time?

The lad hesitated a moment. No, he said, itd be self-defence.

The professor frowned. How do you figure that out ?

Because, answered the boy, the clock struck first.

An Irishman caught a leprechuan and was offered three wishes if he would release the leprechuan. He decided that he could really use a beer so he made that his first wish.

A mug of beer appeared on a rock so he drank it down. As he prepared to make his second wish, he noticed that the mug was full of beer.

How did that happen? he asked.

The leprechuan explained that for as long as he lived the mug would be full and he could drink all he wanted.

The Irishman said, In that case, Ill take two more of those!

A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her. Dont let me spoil a good time for you, she said. After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.

After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, I wonder what my husband really does when Im not around. She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldnt recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched.

There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them. She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him.

He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed. She sat up and asked Well, how was the party? He replied, It was no fun without you honey. She said, I dont believe you. I bet you had lots of fun! He replied, Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night. But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time.