Old and New Jokes

Here
you will find the top 45 oxymorons.

An oxymoron is
a combination of two words that are completely
opposite in meaning. In the dictionary youll find:
"A rhetorical figure in which incongruous or contradictory
terms are combined, as in a deafening silence and a
mournful optimist."

Youve
probably heard many of these before but didnt realize that they fall within
this category.
45. Act naturally

44. Found missing

43. Resident alien

42. Advanced BASIC

41. Genuine imitation

40. Airline Food

39. Good grief

38. Same difference

37. Almost exactly

36. Government organization

35. Sanitary landfill

34. Alone together

33. Legally drunk

32. Silent scream

31. Living dead

30. Small crowd

29. Business ethics

28. Soft rock

27. Butt head

26. Military intelligence

25. Software documentation

24. New classic

23. Sweet sorrow

22. Child Proof

21. Now, then …

20. Synthetic natural gas

19. Passive aggression

18. Taped live

17. Clearly misunderstood

16. Peace force

15. Extinct life

14. Temporary tax increase

13. Computer jock

12. Plastic glasses

11. Terribly pleased

10. Computer security

9. Political science

8. Tight slacks

7. Definite maybe

6. Pretty ugly

5. Twelve-ounce pound cake

4. Diet ice cream

3. Working vacation

2. Exact estimate
…And the number 1 oxymoron is..

1. Microsoft Works

One guy says to another guy, Mandelbaum and Rosenstern were talking one day…

Right away, his friend interrupts him, Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once!

So he starts again, Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephews Bar Mitzvah…

An old Jewish man asked on his deathbed to convert to Christianity.
His family was shocked. Why would you do such a thing? they
asked.

I know Im about to die, he replied, and I figure, better
one of them than one of us!

Dedicated to all married scientists:

There was this physicist who was in the habit of getting home quite
late. One time, he came home at 2:30 a.m. with a torn shirt, lipstick on
his collar, hair messed up, and generally looking like hell. His wife caught
him coming in the door and demanded to know why he came home so late.

His story:

Well, after I quit work for the day, a few friends and
I went out to the bar for a few drinks. We met up with
some rather good-looking young women, and started to drink
to excess; things just kept happening, as you can well see.
I sobered up enough to note how late it was, so I rushed
home.

She said, YOU LIAR!! YOU WERE IN THE LAB AGAIN, WERENT YOU???!!!

A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, "Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!"

Pepito y su papá van caminando por la calle cuando, de pronto, encuentran un billete de lotería.

Papi, papi, ¿qué pasa si ganamos?

Venecia… Champagne… Mujeres.

¿Y si no, papi?

¡Xochimilco, cerveza… y tu madre!

The teacher says, Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Todays word is beautiful. Little Sally, would you please come up here and use beautiful in a sentence?



Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said – Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world.

Teacher says, Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn.



Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said – Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen. Teacher says, Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, its your turn.



Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said – Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said…

Beautiful, just fuckin BEATUIFUL!

Digger Phelps Words of Wisdom

From the NCAA Tournament:

Basketball is a game of two halves.

We have to remember that whoever scores the most points by the end wins.

Youre either a good team or a bad team, and they played somewhere in the middle.

Hes like all great players — not great yet.

You dont score 86 points without being able to shoot.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

Science Watch: Government and auto industry officials are debating which
crash dummies best imitate humans in accidents. Says Paul Ryan, They
cant decide whether its the ones who play with the radio and do their
makeup, or the ones who eat Danishes and spill hot coffee in their laps.

My wife was filling out the medical claim form to pre-register for her
pregnancy (thank you very much!), and one particular section went like this:

What is the nature of the claim: Pregnancy

Is the claim related to your employment? Yes

What is your job? Homemaker