Sammy has stolen the rabbis gold watch. He didnt feel too good about it, so he decided, after a sleepless night, to go to the rabbi. Rabbi, I stole a gold watch.
But Sammy! Thats forbidden! You should return it immediately!
What shall I do?
Give it back to the owner.
Do you want it?
No, I said return it to its owner.
But he doesnt want it.
In that case, you can keep it.
(This might be an oldie, but I got a grin out of it when I remembered it.)
A fellow sitting in a bar noticed that the bartender was staring at him.
Each time hed look away and finally came over, a bit embarrassed.
Im sorry sir, let me buy you a drink.
He accepted and accepted the subsequent two apologies and drinks.
Really sir, surely you know this, you must be the ugliest man Ive
ever seen and I cant keep from staring at you.
You think Im pretty ugly? That ugly? Are you a betting man?
Well it depends on what Im betting on, but I do bet from time to time.
Do you see that cute little blonde sitting over there with that young
man? Ive got $50 that says Ill go over there and pick her up.
The bartender accepted immediately, plopping his $50 on the bar next to
the customers who had started to approach the table but wheeled and
came back.
Ive got another $50 that says that Ill pat her on the fanny as we walk
by you and shell give you a wink.
The bartender quickly added another $50 and shortly after that the guy
walked out with the blonde on his arm and as they went by he patted her
on the fanny, she winked at the bartender, and the guy collected the win.
Astonished the bartender went over to the table where she had been
sitting to quiz the young man she had been with, he was sitting there with
a stunned look on his face.
My gosh fellow, Im amazed! What did he do? What did he say?
Nothing! Nothing at all! He just stood there; licking his eyebrows…
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
Theres no easy way to say this, so Ill just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the womans lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune tellers gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. Will I be acquitted?
A young boy had just got his drivers permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to the study and said to the boy, Ill make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B-average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut and well talk about the car.
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that hed best settle for the offer, and they agreed. After about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father about the car.
Again, they went to the study where his father said, Son, Ive been real proud of you. Youve brought your grades up, and Ive observed that youve been studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But Im real disappointed since you havent got your hair cut.
The young man paused a moment and then said, You know dad, Ive been thinking about that and Ive noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, and theres even strong argument that Jesus himself had long hair.
To which his father replied, Youre right, son. Did you also notice that they all WALKED everywhere they went?
Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personality.
Monitor – Keep an eye on the wood stove
Un matrimonio de rancheros, se dirigÃan a la capital, pero en el camión no aceptaban animales y llevaban un zorrillo que les habÃan encargado. Entonces, al ranchero se le ocurre una idea…
¿Sabes qué vieja?
¿Qué viejo?
¡Pos que te vas a esconder el zorrillo ai merito!
¿Ai merito dónde viejo?
¡Pos ai merito bajo las enaguas… entre las piernas!
¡Ay viejo…! ¿Y el apeste…?
¡Pos ni modo vieja… que se chingue el zorrillo!
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder of three people. There are too many business grads out there, he said. If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened.
Wasting time is an important part of living.
To My Dearest Wife,
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didnt succeed more often:
We will wake the kids – 54 times
Its too late – 15 times
Im too tired – 42 times
Its too early – 12 times
Its too hot – 18 times
Pretending to be asleep – 31 times
The neighbors will hear – 9 times
Headache or backache – 26 times
Sunburn – 10 times
Your mother will hear us – 9 times
Not in the mood – 21 times
Watching the late show – 17 times
Too sore – 26 times
New hairdo – 6 times
Wrong time of the month – 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom – 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Lets try to improve
this, shall we??Love, Your Hubby
**********************
To My Dearest Husband,
I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didnt get more than you did this past year:
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat – 23 times
Did not come home at all – 36 times
Did not come – 21 times
Came too soon – 38 times
Went soft before you got it in – 19 times
Cramps in your leg – 16 times
Working too late – 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat – 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper – 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running – 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee – 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger – 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it – 42 times
Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book – 16 times
The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didnt want to move and spoil it for you. I wasnt talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, Would you like me on my back or kneeling? The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your shortcomings?
Love, Your Wife