Old and New Jokes

Work is the curse of the drinking class.

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, What was the problem?

The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine, explained the Flight Attendant, and it took us a while to find a new pilot.

What do you call a man with no arms and legs in the middle of the ocean?

Bob

Q: What do you get when you mix a Jehovahs Witness with a Hells Angel?

A: Someone who knocks on your front door at 7:30 Sunday morning,
and tells you to fuck off.

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day.

The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand… nothing. So, I tried with my left hand…nothing. My wife tried with her right hand… nothing. Her left hand… nothing. Her mouth…nothing. Then my wifes friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth…. still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wifes friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldnt get the lid off of the specimen cup.

A guy goes into a restaurant and looks over the menu. After a few minutes, the waitress comes to the table and asks the guy what hed like.

Id like a quickie.

The waitress blushes and says, Thats not funny, sir. Now, what would you like to order?

Id really like a quickie.

The waitress slaps him hard and storms off angrily.

Another customer, overhearing the conversation, leans over and says to the guy, Um, I think that its pronounced quiche

NICKNAMES: If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a beer, they will affectionately refer to each other as LardAss, Butt-Breath, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though its only for $

22.

50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical womans bathroom is

337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument!

DRESSING UP: A man will dress up for weddings, funerals. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

LOOKS Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. ( I invite any woman to prove me wrong! 🙂

A man walking aroud town talking about hea pimp he gonehit you fromthe back front and every way in the book a hoe name amen say me at my house tonight she look at his dick and say nigga please that mini hoydog ant shit you haveto have some thing and round for me


thats what yall can sat to lil dick man.

Once again Leroy was asked to do a simple homework assignment.

Still befuddled by the whole school thing, Leroy is a trooper. He was given another set of vocabulary words to use in sentences. Heres what he handed in:

1. HONOR ROLL
   We was playin poker on the stoop the other day, man I was HONOROLL.

2. PLANET
   I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard.

3. DISMAY
   I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said, DISMAY hurt a little.

4. OMELETTE
   Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week.

5. STAIRWAY
   When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.

6. MOBILE
   I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said, Gimme one MOBILE.

7. DEFENSE
   I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away.

8. AFRO
   I got so mad at my bitch, AFRO a lamp at her.

9. AFTERMATH
   I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to the field and smoke weed.

10. LOCKET
    I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.

11. DOMINEERING
    My girlys birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.

12. KENYA
    I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.

13. DERANGE
    DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play.

14. DATA
    At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said, DATA boy!

15. COPULATE
    I called 911 and an hour later when they show up, I said, COPULATE!

16. FASCINATE
    My girlys titties are so big. Her shirt has ten buttons, she can only FASCINATE.

17. BEWARE
    I asked the man at the unemployment office, Is this BEWARE I get a job?

18. DIMENSION
    I be tall, dark, handsome and not DIMENSION hung like a horse.

19. COATROOM
    The judge said, One more outburst like that, and youll be thrown out the COATROOM.

20. DECIDE
    I like Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to have a couple of bitches on DECIDE.

Llega una maestra muy emocionada y alegre al salón de clases y les dice a sus alumnos:

A ver niños, vamos a ensayar la porra de la escuela. Y dice 1… 2… 3… ¿Dónde está papá?

NO SE… NO SE…

¿Dónde está mamá?

NO SE… NO SE…

¡Viva el Orfanatorio San José!