Old and New Jokes

Ramón, un camionero robusto y fornido, lleva su carga para el interior del país en época de carnaval. El día va transcurriendo a medida que canta su canción:

Yo soy Ramón, el más machón y manejo este camión…

Entre canto y canto, advierte que una monja está haciendo autostop. Se detiene, y la religiosa sube al camión. Él sigue cantando su canción, cuando aquella le propone que hagan el amor. Ramón, siempre dispuesto, accede.

La hermana le pide a Ramón que mejor lo hagan por detrás, ya que por delante la revisan al llegar convento. Sin problema, aquel acepta. Después de apañarse por un rato, suben de nuevo al camión y Ramón, más melodioso que nunca, continúa:

Yo soy Ramón, el más machón y manejo este camión…

Espontáneamente, la monja corea a Ramón y comienza a cantar:

Yo soy Pascual, homosexual y me disfrazo en carnaval…

What do you get when you cross a Rotweiler with a Collie?

A dog who bites off your arm and gos to get help.

A woman was complaining to her neighbor that she suspected her husband was cheating on her because he always came home at extremely late hours.

The neighbor said, Dear, try what I did. One night, when my husband came home at 3 a.m. I called out, Is that you Jeffrey? He never came home late again.



Thats rediculous! Just calling his name made him stop? replied the neighbor with disbelief.



You dont understand. replied the lady, My husbands name is Thomas.

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, You should be hung.

I calmly replied, I am. Thats why she cuts the grass.

How turtles make love.

You might crack up the ice.

you are so fat that when you went on a diving bord every one screamed mini van!

Yasser Arafat, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a Psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer: You will die on a Jewish holiday.

Which one? Arafat asks nervously.

It doesnt matter, replied the psychic. Whenever you die, itll be a Jewish holiday.

Twas the Night After Christmas

by Jeff Foxworthy

Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer,
the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler.

The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys,
and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.

The kids they werent talking to me or my wife,
the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives.

My wife couldnt argue and neither could I,
so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin,
I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin.

He yelled, Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws
and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus.

I said, Claus, I dont know nobody named Claus,
and you aint taking me in without probable cause.

Then the Sheriff he said, The man was shot at last night.
I said, That might have been me, just whats he look like?

The Sheriff replied, Hes a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly,
that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly.

He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry.
I said, Sheriff that sounds like my wifes sister Sherri.

Its no time for jokes Roy the Sheriff he said.
The man Im describing is dressed all in red.

Im here for the truth now, its time to come clean.
Tell me what youve done, tell me what youve seen.

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell,
it wouldnt have been the first time that Ive spent New Years in jail.

I said, Sheriff it happened last night about ten,
and I thought that my wife had been drinking again.

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost.
I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFOs.

But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head,
and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder,
a freezer full of venison standing right on Reds gutter.

Well my hands were a shakin as I grabbed my gun,
when outta Reds chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin.
I thought hed stolen Reds stuff while old Red was out bowling.

So I yelled, Drop fat boy, hands in the air!
But he went about his business like he hadnt a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head.
Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled.

And as he flew off I heard him extort,
Thats assault with intent Roy, Ill see ya in court.

God is as real as I am, the old man said.
My faith was restored, for I knew that Santa would never lie.

You might be a redneck if…
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.