Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so fat when she steps on a scale, it read one at a time, please

Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.

Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

Q: What does Jeffrey Dahmers victims and The Clintons hair styles have in common?
A: They both look like the work of a butcher.

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, Are you all right? No, I lost an electron! Are you sure? Yeah, Im positive!

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentists Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!

Q: How many Leos does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Leos dont change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agents get a Virgo in to do it for them while theyre out.

En su primer viaje como piloto de avión, Venancio presencia la muerte de su capitán de vuelo a consecuencia de un paro cardiaco.

Una vez cerciorado de que el capitán está bien muerto, Venancio se comunica con la torre de control:

¡Jolines, acá Venancio pidiendo contacto con alguna torre de control!

Aca torre de control, díganos que sucede.

¡Pues naa que mi capitán se ha muerto y necesito indicaciones para aterrizar esta nave!

Ok, primero díganos su altura y posición para proceder al aterrizaje.

Después de unos segundos de silencio Venancio contesta, Bueno, mi altura es de 1.68 mts y mi posición es acá a un ladito del muertito!!!

A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex.

1956, was his immediate reply.



No wonder you look so uptight! she exclaimed. Honey, you need to get out more.



Im not sure I understand you, he answered, glancing at his watch. Its only 2014 now.

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea

It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no

Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Fancy company has a party and rents the restaurant at the top of the World Trade Center. Late in the evening, somebody notices a wallflower standing by himself by an open window. He walks over. Guy: Hi! Keeping to yourself? Wallflower: Oh, hi. No, Im just examining the wind patterns here. I think I have them figured out. If I took a running jump out there, I believe that the updraft would lift me back up and eventually deliver me back here. Guy: Eh, can I get you a drink? Would you like to come back to the bar? Wallflower: No. Ive made the calculations, so I have to try it! Before the guy can stop him, the wallflower takes a running leap out of the 112th floor window. Guy gapes out, and sees wallflower hovering in the updraft, then slowly rising back up to be deposited in the window again. Wallflower: Ill take that drink now, if you dont mind. Guy: That was freakin amazing! Think I could do it? Wallflower: Sure. Just run at it quickly so you get about fifteen feet out, and youll be back here in no time. Guy slugs away at his bourbon, then launches himself out the window.
Several seconds go by before the inevitable, quiet splat. The bartender comes over, picks up the empty glasses, says: You wanna know something? You are one mean drunk, Superman…

Yo mamas so fat when she gets out of bed in New York she sets off the seismographs in California.