A guy tells his wife that she has three choices. She can either go hunting with him, give him a blowjob, or he can butt fuck her.
The wive says, I dont want to go hunting because its cold out, and Ive never been butt fucked before, so I think Ill go with the blowjob.
So shes down there doing her thing and suddenly she says, your dick tastes like shit!
The guy says, yeah, the dog didnt want to go hunting either.
Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.
One day, they heard, Yellow, blue, black. One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, Black, black, black.
Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished!!. One of the nuns spoke up: Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird.
Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should wear any underwear under their vestments. Respecting their agreement, next day they wore no underwear and proceeded to pass in front of the parrots house.
They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.
Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, Straight, Straight, Curly!
What did Snow White say when the photographer said her photos were
done?
I knew some day my prints would come!
Q. How do you know when your staying in an Alabama hotel?
A. When you call the front desk and say Ive gotta leak in my sink and the person at the desk says go ahead.
Youve all seen the sentimental MasterCard commercials. Well, finally there is a MasterCard commercial targeted just for men:
(No offense ladies – just enjoy it for what its worth)
Cover charge:
$15.00
Round of drinks:
23.00
Table dance:
$30.00
Another round of drinks:
$23.00
Couch dance and tips:
$50.00
A round of shots:
$34.00
Private dance in your hotel room:
$300.00
Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain:
PRICELESS!
There are some things that money cant buy.
For everything else, theres MasterCard.
An English taxidermist, is sweating his way through the Australian outback when he comes across a bar. He staggers in between the beer swilling locals and, in his well educated voice, asks the bartender, May I have a gin and tonic, please, my good man.
One of the locals says to his mates, Geez, cobbers, what kind of a fucking mans drink is that?
Then, turning to the Englishman, Hey! You! Yes you, you fucking Pom! Gin and fucking tonic are you some fucking kind of a poofter or something?
Ac…actually, the englishman, terrified, replies, Im a taxidermist.
Oh yeah? And whats a taxidermist, then?
I mount d..d..dead animals.
Its alright, cobbers, says the local, turning to his mates, hes one of us!
An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the womans doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, EVER have sex again – the strain would be too much.
The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides hed better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.
This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs – shes coming downstairs, hes heading up.
Honey, I have a confession to make, the woman says, her voice quavering. I was about to commit suicide.
Im glad to hear it, sweetie, the man says, because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!
When you take a long time, youre slow.
When your boss takes a long time, hes thorough.
When you dont do it, youre lazy.
When your boss doesnt do it, hes too busy.
When you make a mistake, youre an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, hes only human.
When you do something without being told, youre overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, thats initiative.
When you take a stand, youre being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, hes being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, youre being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, hes being original.
When you please your boss, youre brown-nosing.
When your boss pleases his boss, hes being co-operative.
When youre out of the office, youre wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, hes on business.
When you have one too many drinks at a social, youre a drunken bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.
When you take a day off sick, youre always sick.
When your boss takes a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, its because hes overworked.
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. Doctor, the hormones youve been giving me have really helped, but Im afraid that youre giving me too much. Ive started growing hair in places that Ive never grown hair before. The doctor reassured her, A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared? On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about…, replied the lady.
One of the options on your truck is a spitoon.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.