Old and New Jokes

There was a little old man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis. He decided to do something about it. So he went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.

Just then two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it about with her cane. She remarked to the other little old lady,

There aint hardly no justice in this world.

The other little old lady asked, What do you mean by that?

Well, the first lady said, When I was 20, I was curious about it.

When I was 30, I enjoyed it.

When I was 40, I asked for it.

When I was 50, I paid for it.

When I was 60, I prayed for it.

When I was 70, I forgot about it.

And now that Im 80, the damn things are growing wild, and Im too old to squat !

Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? ***** Son, when you participate in sporting events, its not whether you win or lose … its how drunk you get. ***** Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. ***** Its not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. ***** Homer: Are you saying youre never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? Lisa: No. Homer: Ham? Lisa: No! Homer: Pork chops? Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal! Homer: Heh heh heh… ooh… yeah… right, Lisa. A wonderful… magical animal. ***** Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper? Homer: Cant he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper! Homer: Oh, now whos being naive? ***** Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive? Marge: Thats because you were drunk! Homer: And how! ***** Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Barts a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now lets go back to that… building…thingie… where our beds and TV… is. ***** Operator! Give me the number for 911! ***** Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss? Homer: Tell him Im going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I wont be back for ten minutes! ***** Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why youre here? Homers brain: Dont say revenge. Dont say revenge. Homer: Ummm… revenge? Homers brain: Okay, thats it. Im outta here. (step step step step step…slam) ***** Homer: Okay, brain. You dont like me, and I dont like you, but lets get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer. Homers Brain: Its a deal! ***** Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner! Marge: How were you a political prisoner? Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture? ***** Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and youd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer) ***** Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse. Homer: Ooo, thats bad. Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt! Homer: Thats good! Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed. Homer: Thats bad. Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings! Homer: Thats good! Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate… Homer: (confused look) Old man: Thats bad. Homer: Can I go now? ***** Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say youre prejudiced against all races. ***** Homers brain: Use reverse psychology. Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated. Homers brain: Okay, dont use reverse psychology. Homer: Okay, I will! ***** Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie — Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie — Police Academy. ***** Marge: Homer, did you call the audience Chicken? Homer: No! I swear on this bible! Marge: Thats not a bible. Thats a book of carpet samples. Homer: Mmmm… fuzzy. ***** Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad! Homer: Did you wreck the car? Bart: No. Homer: Did you raise the dead? Lisa: Yes. Homer: But the cars okay? Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh. Homer: All right then. ***** Mmmmm… reprocessed pig fat… ***** (praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever… thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch). ***** Whats the point of going out? Were just going to wind up back here anyway.

What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked politician?
Chelsea Clinton.

Becky estaba en su lecho de muerte. Su esposo, Jake, mantenía constante vigilia a su lado. Él sostenía su frágil mano, y mientras las lágrimas rodaban por sus mejillas, él oraba por su esposa.

Ella lo miró y sus pálidos labios comenzaron a moverse quedamente:

Mi amado Jake susurró.

Calla mi amada dijo él Descansa. Shhh. No hables.

Ella, insistentemente, dijo con cansada voz:

Tengo algo que confesarte.

No hay nada que confesar dijo sollozante Jake Todo está bien,duerme…

No, no, yo debo morir en paz, Jake. Yo me acosté con tu hermano, tu mejor amigo y tu padre.

Ya lo sé replicó Jake …¡por eso te envenené !

Three ducks arrive at the Police station. In deciding why theyre here, a police officer goes up to the first duck and says Whats your name?? The duck replies Quack. The police officer then asks And why are you here ?? The duck says For blowing bubbles in the pond. Blowing bubbles in the pond!! Thats illegal!! Thats a $50.00 fine!! The duck agrees to pay the fine.



The police officer goes up to the second duck and says Whats your name?? The duck replies Quack Quack. The police officer then asks And why are you here?? The duck says For blowing bubbles in the pond. Blowing bubbles in the pond!! Thats illegal!! Thats a $50.00 fine!! The duck agrees to pay the fine.



The police officer goes up to the third duck and says And your name must be Quack Quack Quack. And the duck replies No, its Bubbles.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning



against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile



on its face.



The egg, looking decidedly unhappy, grabs the sheet and rolls over



and says, Well, I guess we finally know the answer to THAT



question!

Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences.

For every 10 there are 10 1s.

A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights.

Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, I think this guys in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!

The cook says, He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up.

The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.

He looks at it and growls, Whats this? I didnt order this!

The young man tells him, The cook says that while youre waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!

When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldnt let him in until he proved his identity. Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise. And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, How do I know youre Picasso? Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in. When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. How can you prove to me youre George W. Bush? Saint Peter said. Bush replied, Well heck, I dont know. St. Peter says, Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove youre George W. Bush? Bush replies, Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso? St. Peter says, It must be you, George, cmon on in.