Wave a camera around. The normal girls will run and hide, and the overconfident girls will run to the camera, wanting you to take their picture.
12
Jun
12
Jun
The idea of building a chunnel between France & England was conceived quite a few years back. I believe it goes as far as the days of Napoleon.
Now, the question was How do we build the chunnel?
One suggested Well, one man starts digging in France, and one in England and they meet somewhere in the middle.
A question was raised What if they dont meet?
To which the first one replied Well, we shall have two chunnels…
12
Jun
A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, and everything but lunch hours.
Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services. Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:
FOR CROSSING THE STREET TO TALK TO YOU, THEN DISCOVERING IT WASNT YOU AFTER ALL — $
125.
12
Jun
A guy found himself in the mood around bedtime. He began cuddling up to his wife who was clearly not interested. He asked her what the problem was.
She complained that he was totally unresponsive to her needs. In typical male fashion, he protested, then asked what she meant.
She replied, For example, Im in the mood for snails right now.
Youve got to be kidding. Its 11 PM: where the hell am I going to get escargot at this hour?! he protested.
If you dont care enough to get me snails, you aint getting any. We next find our disgruntled husband an the local 24 hour supermarket, buying a box of live snails. On the way home, as luck would have it, he stopped to help a lovely young thing with a flat tire; and thats about all that was flat.
After a few drinks at a local watering hole, he found himself in her bed, doing what he originally had proposed to his wife. Our wayward husband was shocked when he woke at 8 AM. He raced home, searching his mind for an appropriate excuse.
As he approached his front door, he heard his wife walking to the door from the inside. He quickly dumped the box of snails on the porch and as the door opened he said, Come on guys, were almost there!
(Jerry Wood on the Tonight Show)
12
Jun
Senator Hillary Clinton snuck off to visit a fortuneteller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"Theres no easy way to say this,so Ill just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die aviolent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at thewomans lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortunetellers gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
12
Jun
In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.
3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.
John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey Im Home.
Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become MineAll Mine.
Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.
3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney Opera.
Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants will merge and become Poupon Pants.
Knotts Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become Knott NOW!
11
Jun
Q: Whats a conservative?
A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.
11
Jun
One day two blind men started fighting.
Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them.
Then one of the members of the crowd yelled out I bet 10 bucks on the one with the knife.
Both men ran away.
11
Jun
En una fiesta de barrio, un grupito de ñeros se enfrentan con un problema de conciencia.
¡Ãndale, anÃmate y ve a sacar a bailar a la gorda para que nosotros saquemos a sus amigas!, suplica uno de ellos.
Ah, chinga, chinga! ¿Y yo por qué? Sácala tú, o tú…
No, mejor que la saque éste.
En esas están, sin ponerse de acuerdo, cuando llega el que se las daba de más carita del grupo y les pregunta:
¿Qué pasa? ¿Qué andan haciendo?
Nada, pos aquà que no nos ponemos de acuerdo para ver quien saca a la gorda…
SÃ quieren la saco yo, dice con aire de suficiencia.
¡En serio, mi buen, órale pues!
El galancete cruza por en medio de la pista y llega hasta la mesa donde estaban la gorda y sus amigas. Sin contemplaciones se dirige a la gorda:
¡Órale, pinche gorda, a la chingada! ¡Para afuera!
11
Jun
One day a boy came walking home from school. On the way home he saw a creek. He quickly jumped in, clothes and all. When he arrived home completely soaked his dad asked, Son what happened?
I jumped in that creek down the road.
Why did you do that?
I dunno.
His dad was very angry and said, If you jump in that creek again, just because, Im gonna tan that hide – just because! Is that clear?
Yes dad. replies his son.
The next day, the boy came home walking from school, and sure enough when he saw that creek, he jumped right on in.
When he went home, his dad knew what had happened and asked, Didnt I tell you not to jump in that creek again?
Yes dad, but Satan told me to do it!
His dad, being somewhat religous, decided to give his son the benefit of the doubt and tells him – Next time Satan tells you to do something like that, say Satan get thee behind me in the name of Jesus.
Ok dad. replied the son.
Well the next day after school, the boy was walking across the bridge, and well you know the rest. He came home again soaked.
His dad said, I thought I told you what to say when you came to that creek!
I said what you told me dad, and when I did, Satan pushed me in!