Old and New Jokes

Yo momma so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.

there are 3 israelis AVI GOLAN AND NIR. these guys are smart as can be. these three just finished high school and they fly all the way from tel aviv israel to cancun. they get to cancun and saw only girls. but girls that you will die for. AVi GOLAN and NIR were the pimps in cancun. they would have sex with each and every girls when they disere. untill one day the kind returned form his palace and found out AVI GOLAN and NIR had sex with his girls. the man caught the 3 guys and said you GOLAN what does your dad do for a living? he says my dad works with chainsaws. the king simply takes a chain saw takes his private off. the second man NIR what does your dad do for a living? NIR says my dad works with steak knives the kind got a steak knife and cut his private off. the 3rd one AVI was smart his dad worked with guns. the king asks AVI what does your dad do for a living? my dad sells ice cream bars so bend down and start licking the kind shut up and walked away.

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

“Breast fed,” the woman replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is under weight! You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.”

From the State where drinking and driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Texas.Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!Dumbfounded, the officer said Ill have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken.I doubt it, said the man, tonight Im the designated decoy.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

Dont be irreplaceable; if you cant be replaced, you cant be promoted.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

If at first you dont succeed, dont try again: quit. No use being a complete fool about it.

If you cant get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

It doesnt matter what you do; it only matters what you say youve done and what youre going to do.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Today the office of personnel management announced the holiday schedule for all federal employees for the year 2000.

There will be two less holidays in the washington d.c. area next year.

Halloween and Thanksgiving have been canceled.

The witch is moving to New York and shes taking the turkey with her.

Why are some men uncircumcised?

The doctors were afraid of causing brain damage to the infant.

<Order> Is each here? Does each have his opposite?
<Chaos> I am here, but my opposite is you.
<Order> Huh?
<Evil> Dont let him bug ya. Were here.
<Truth> My opposite is not here.
<Good> Is your opposite Lies?
<Truth> My opposite is Void. He couldnt make it.
<Evil> >snicker< Figures!
<Order> Agh! How are we going to seat five! This table is made for six!
<Evil> Just take out his chair and move over. Sheesh!
<Good> I have the cards.
<Evil> Ive got the chips.
<Truth> I have the beer.
<Chaos> I have the cards!
<Order> Shut up.

…

<Order> Whose deal is it?
<Evil> Do ya gotta ask that EVERY time?
<Truth> It is Goods deal.
<Good> OK, five card draw…uh, everything is wild.
<Evil> How can anyone win if everything is wild?
<Good> No ONE can win, but we all can call ourselves winners if…
<Order> I like this game.
<Evil> This is pointless.
<Truth> It is time to deal.
<Good> Here we go! Your bet, Truth.
<Truth> Five.
<Order> Five and raise you five.
<Evil> Dont you morons get it? It doesnt matter how much you bet!
<Order> I like ten better.
<Evil> >sigh< Call.
<Chaos> I fold.
<Evil> YOU CANT LOSE!
<Chaos> I still fold.
<Good> OK, Ill call. How many, Truth?
<Evil> Whats the point in taking more cards?
<Truth> I will keep the cards I have.
<Order> I will take two.
<Evil> Why?!?
<Order> I didnt like those.
<Evil> None for me.
<Chaos> Ill take six.
<Good> Sorry, you folded. Dealer keeps his. Bets?
<Evil> Oh, just get this over with.
<Order> But now we have to bet!
<Evil> Any money you put in, youre just gonna get back!
<Truth> I am in agreement with Evil. Let us show our cards.
<Truth> I have five aces.
<Order> I have five ace of spades.
<Chaos> I have a three.
<Good> Please be quiet. I also have five aces. We all win.
<Evil> Hold it, bub. Six aces, readem and weep.
<Good> Where did you get that card?
<Truth> He stole it from Chaos.
<Evil> You know the rules, boys. The pots mine.
<Good> That was a stupid game.
<Order> Whose deal is it?
<Truth> The dealer progression is opposite the deal. Chaos deals.
<Chaos> Whee!
<all but Chaos> >groan<
<Chaos> Eleven card stud-holdem with threes, eights, jacks, and
kings wild…fives count as fours, fours count as nines,
and queens dont count unless there is a prime numbered
spade showing…
<Order> I fold…

[Ed: written by Brian Cash (bcash@nortel.ca), and originally appeared in talk.bizarre]

You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

Your school fight song was Dueling Banjos.

You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
A: Okay everyone, sack time!!