Relationships
First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship – he refers to
it as that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis.
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled All Men Are Idiots. Then
she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup
at 3 am early on a Sunday morning – he will call and say I just wanted
to let you know you ruined my life, and Ill never forgive you, and
I hate you, and youre a total floozy. But I want you to know theres
always a chance for us. This is known as the I Hate You/I Love You
drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There
are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this
need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.
Sex
Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her
place as part of the foreplay.
Maturity
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults.
Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each
other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely
work out.
Hats
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.
Comedy
Lets say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching tele-
vision, and an episode of The Three Stooges comes on. Immediately,
the men will get very excited – they will laugh uproariously, and even
try to imitate the actions of Curly, mans favorite Stooge.
The women will roll their eys, groan, and wait it out.
Handwriting
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch.
Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their is with
circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their ps
and gs. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when
shes dumping you, shell put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Bathrooms
A man has at most seven items in his bathroom – a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, shampoo, a bar of soap, and a towel from the
Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in a typical womans bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
Magazines
Mens magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Womens magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy
and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.
Groceries
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and
buys these things.
A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a lemon,
and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
everything that looks good. By the time he reaches the checkout counter,
his cart is packed tighter than the Clampetts car on The Beverley
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
10-items-or-less lane.
Going Out
When a man says hes ready to go out, it means hes ready to go out.
When a woman says shes ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready
to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on
her makeup…
Shoes
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then
slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic
bag from Saks. When she arrives at work, she will put on her dress
shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are
under her desk.
A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day.
Leg Warmers
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if shes walking the dog or doing
the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time
she wants.
A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the Gimme the
Ball number in A Chorus Line.
Cats
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women arent looking, men kick cats.
Mirrors
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface – mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiolas head…
Garages
Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages,
they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.
Movies
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
Leigh for the first time in Gone With The Wind.
For men, its when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clarks face
in Public Enemy.
Jewelry
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring, and thats it. Any more than
that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Menopause
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree
of the changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses,
a snazzy French cap, leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an
expensive foreign sports car.
The Telephone
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone
to send short messages to other people.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home,
she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Low Blows
Lets say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television,
and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.
The woman says, Oh, gee, that must hurt.
The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.
Directions
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. A man will never stop and
ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while
saying things like, Looks like Ive found a new way to get there, and,
I know Im in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store.
Admitting Mistakes
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last man who admitted that he was wrong was General George Custer.
Richard Gere
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who
works out at the health club and dates only married women.
Offspring
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Dressing Up
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail…
A man will dress up for: weddings and funerals.
Nudity in Movies
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This
is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.
The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
This is another reason why men hate him.
David Letterman
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth.
Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
Cameras
Men take photography very seriously. Theyll shell out $4000 for state-
of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes.
Women purchase Kodak Insta-matics, and often produce better-looking shots.
Politics
Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to do political
things such as voting.
Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys are growing up
and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for
them and cry on election night.
Locker Rooms
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they dont know football nearly as
well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room – sex. Not in abstract
terms, either. Theyre graphic and technical, and they never lie.
Laundry
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do
his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty
sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to
the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.
Weddings
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the ceremony.
Men talk about the bachelor party.
Cheerleaders
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American.
Male cheerleaders are scary.
Gym Socks
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have
pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
Toys
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of
11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older,
their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of
mens toys: miniature TVs, car phones, complicated juicers and
blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on
command, video games, and anything that blinks, beeps and requires at
least six D batteries to operate.
Plants
A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
The man will water the plants.
The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants.
No one knows why this happens.
Mustaches
Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
There are no women who look good with mustaches.
Nicknames
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names
like Ultimate Pecs and Big Turk, women eschew the use of nicknames.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
But if Mike, Dave, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Peckerhead, Scumbag, and Louse.