Old and New Jokes

A country boy ends up in the big city. He is walking around in awe of everything. He decides to quench his thirst and enters a bar. After a couple of beer, his beer rental is up and off he goes to the can. He walks into the can and is shocked at what he sees. And leaves quickly!

The barkeep lisps, Whats wrong?

The country boy replies, You wouldnt believe what is going on in there.

What?

The country boy is shaking his head, Well there is a guy standing at the urinal being corn-holed by a guy behind him. And that guy is getting his fudge packed by a guy behind HIM.

The bartender leans in closer, gets all serious and lisps out his next question.

The guy in the middle wouldnt have been wearing a yellow T-shirt would he?

I think he was. Why?

Hes lucky at cards too!

Se encuentran dos amigas después de muchos años…

Hola María José, ¿cómo estás?

Hola María Emilia, ¿yo muy bien y tú?

Bien, vivo donde siempre, con mis dos hijos; me separe de mi marido por que no lo soportaba más.

Está bien, hay que echarlos cuando una lo cree necesario.

¿Y tú?

Yo bien, en mi casa de siempre también, con mis 12 hijos.

¡12 Hijos!

Sí, 12, y a todos les puse de nombre Juan.

¡A todos Juan! ¿Y cómo haces para llamarlos?

Fácil, Cuando los quiero llamar a comer dijo Juan a comer, y vienen todos. Juan a tomar la leche, y vienen todos, muy fácil.

Ah sí; ¿y cuando quieres llamar a uno solo?

¡Por el apellido…!

Una pareja de novios está en un parque besándose y tocándose por todos lados. El tipo, excitado, decide llevarse a la chica detrás de unos arbustos. Entonces, comienza a desvestirla; la acuesta en el suelo; se saca el pito y… justo en ese momento, dos policías se acercan alumbrándolos con una linterna:

A ver, jovencito, ¿qué estás haciendo?

Estoy orinando.

Sí, claro, ¿y ella que hace allí?

¡Uy, disculpe, casi la orino!, responde mosqueado el chico.

It is incredible how much intelligence is used in this world to prove nonsense.

Whats the difference between a bird and a fly?
A bird can fly but a fly cant bird.

Q: How can you make a very lively hankerchief?
A: Put a little boogey in it

What is a blondes definition of a naval destroyer. A hula hoop with a nail in it.

On a mans 33rd birthday he gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it.

At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, Its my birthday today.

Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?, asks the Post Office worker.

33., says the man.

Well, have a good day., says the worker.

Thank you., replied the man.

To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives.

The man says to the old lady,

Its my birthday today.

Oh, happy birthday., says the old lady.

Im…

No dont tell me., interjects the old lady, I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is.

Oh yeah? Whats that then?, asks the man.

If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how many years old you are., says the old lady.

I dont believe it., says the man.

Well let me prove it!, the old lady replies.

Im not going to let you feel my balls!, says the man.

Oh well, I guess youll never know then., replies the lady.

After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, Oh, okay then, you can do it.

After a good feel of the mans balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants. You are 33 years old exactly., she exclaims!

How in the world did you know that?!, exclaims the man, impressed.

I was behind you in the line at the Post Office., said the lady.

Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.

He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.

You have a shuttle called Billy Joe Bob.

He refers to Klingons as Critters.

He refers to Photon Torpedoes as Popguns.

He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil.

He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.

He says Got your ears on, good buddy instead of open hailing frequencies.

He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.

He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.

He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.

He says Yee-Ha! instead of Engage.

He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.

He insists on calling his executive officer Bubba.

He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of Bassmaster.

He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.

He paints the starship John Deere green.

He refers to a Pulsar as a Blue Light Special.

He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a swamp.

His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.

He sings Lucille instead of Kathleen.

His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.

He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.

His idea of a gas giant is that big ol XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies.

He sets phaser to Cajun.

Some important theological questions can best be answered by
thinking of God as a computer programmer:

Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?

A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and
candy bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his
girlfriend had left him.

Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?

A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically
and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise, things
can wait until tomorrow.

Q: How come the Age of Miracles ended?

A: That was the development phase of the project. Now were in
the maintenance phase.

Q: Who is Satan?

A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than
he actually possesses, so nonprogrammers become scared of him.
God thinks hes irritating but irrelevant.

Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?

A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier revs.

Q: How can I protect myself from evil?

A: Change your password every month and dont make it a name, a
common word, or a date like your birthday.

Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?

A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just
get off his back and let him program.

Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?

A: They are much more likely to receive email.