Old and New Jokes

En el Vaticano, dos judíos piden permiso para hablar con el Papa. Les dicen que no y ellos se van. Al día siguiente vuelven y se repite la historia de nuevo. Y así llevan ya varios meses. Por fin, por pura casualidad, el Papa sale por la puerta en el mismo momento en que llegan los judíos y se interesa por el asunto:

¿Qué es lo que ustedes quieren?

Uno de los judíos saca un papel y lo enseña al Papa:

¿Usted conoce a esta gente?

El Papa ve una fotocopia reducida del cuadro La Última Cena y afirma:

Sí. Son los santos de nuestra Iglesia y éste es el Señor Jesucristo.

El hebreo pregunta:

¿Y usted se hace responsable de ellos?

¡Claro que sí!

Entonces, el otro judío saca del bolsillo otro papel y lo entrega al Papa.

¿Qué es esto?, pregunta intrigado el Sumo Pontífice.

Este papel nosotros lo heredamos de nuestros antepasados. Es la cuenta de la cena que estos caballeros nunca pagaron y, junto con los intereses, se hace una suma bastante respetable…

Churchills Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.

Who is the only woman in the White House not sleeping with Clinton?

Hillary

Ive never seen a woman make a fool out of a man without a lot of cooperation.

There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical or law school.

—————– Q: Whats the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

A: One less drunk!

—————– Q: Why are there so many Italian men in New York named Tony?

A: When they came over to this country, they had To NY stamped on their foreheads.

—————– A Russian, a Saudi, a North Korean and an American are walking down the street. A pollster stops them and asks, Excuse me, what is your opinion of the meat shortage? The Saudi replies, Excuse me, whats a shortage? The Russian replies, Excuse me, whats meat? The North Korean replies, Excuse me, whats an opinion? Finally, the American replies, Whats Excuse me?

—————– Q: What do New Zealanders call a sheep in their back yard?

A: A ride on lawn-mower.

—————– Why the British are superior to Americans:

1. They speak English.

2. When they host a world championship, they invite other countries.

3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on one knee.

—————– One day, a Newfoundlander was rowing his boat back home after catching some fish singing Row, Row, Row Your Boat. Meanwhile, some aliens decided to test his intelligence.

They took out 1/4 of his brain and still he sang, Row, Row, Row Your Boat. They took out another 1/4 of his brain, and still he sang Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

They finally took all of his brains out. The Newfoundlander shook a bit, then started singing Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques…

—————– HEAVEN Vs. HELL Heaven: An American salary. A British home. Chinese food. A Japanese wife. Hell: A Chinese salary. A Japanese home. British food. An American wife.

—————– A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar.

As he sipped down his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry native Indian stomped up to him and said, One more remark like that and Ill whip your butt!

—————– Short summary of every Jewish Holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, lets eat!

Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band? A: Because he had his own drumsticks!

A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.

The small guy faints.

The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, Whats wrong with you?

The small guy says, Excuse me, but what did you say?

The big dude looks down and says, 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.

The small guy says, Thank God! I thought you said Turn around.

Q: Did you hear about the Polak who thought his wife was trying to kill him?

A: On her dressing table he found a bottle of Polish Remover.

As Jack the Rippers mother said to her son, How come you never go out with the same girl twice?

As Caesar said, Let me mix that salad!

As Moses said to God, Let me see if I have it right – the Arabs get the oil and we get to cut off the tips of our WHAT?

As George Washington said when he was crossing the Delaware, I cant understand it. I paid for a seat!

As Jesse James said to his brother Frank, We cant rob that bank. Thats where we keep our money!

As Vincent Van Gogh said after he cut off his ear, Dont shout!

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, “Betcha $20 I can bite my eye.” The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.
Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, “Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye.” Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.
He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, “Hey, barkeep,” he burbles, “Ill give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop.” The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously.
“Whats so funny?” says the barkeep, “you just lost everything you won and more!” “Well,” giggles the man, “I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldnt get angry.”