Old and New Jokes

A cavalry batallion has just been assigned a new Sargeant. The guy is a mean s.o.b. who wants to whip the troops into shape. He commands that they clean up the base.

Right before he leaves, the sargeant sees this ratty old nasty horse and says, And for Gods sakes… get rid of this old horse.

Later that night a private comes to the sargeant and pleads his case. Sarge, I know that old horse is nasty but theres no women around and the old horse is the only thing we got.

The sargeant sympathizes and allows them to keep the horse. A few weeks later the sarge is gettin the old itch, so he decides hes gonna give it a shot. He says, Private… prepare the horse.

He gets up on a stool and really has his way with this horse. When he finishes he says, So private, is that the way the men do it?

The private responds, Well Sir… we usually ride it into town to the whorehouse but I guess that could work too…

How do you make a blondes eyes light up?

Shine a torch in her ear!

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you cant remember).

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, hereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

Whats the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Se casan Manolo y la Pilarica. Ella está nerviosa por su boda porque no es virgen, así que acude con su madre y le explica la situación:

“Ya no soy virgen y Manolo es muy machista, si se da cuenta me mata”.

“No te preocupes, lo que tienes que hacer es comprar un cuete; le sacas la pólvora y te la pones en el asunto, se atorará tanto que él pensará que eres virgen”.

Llega la boda, la fiesta, y por fin se van de luna de miel. Ya en el hotel, empiezan a entrar en calor y dice la Pilarica:

“Espera, Manolo, voy al tocador a prepararme para ser completamente tuya”.

“Está bien, amor, no tardes”.

En el baño, la Pilarica saca un cuete enorme y se dice a si misma:

“Uno grande para evitar riesgos, no sea que por usar uno pequeño no rellene todo el hueco”.

Ya en la cama, a oscuras, se empiezan a acariciar, se besan, y cuando Manolo quiere hacer el amor, se encuentra con que no puede entrar dentro de su mujer. Se pone salivita y, aún así, no puede.

“¿Pero, qué es lo que pasa, no puedo…?”

“Ay, mi amor, lo que pasa es que soy virgen”.

“Sí, mi amor, pero es demasiado…”

Enciende un fósforo y lo acerca a la parte íntima de su mujer para averiguar cuál es el problema; de pronto se oye una explosión y Manolo asustado pregunta:

“¿Qué fue eso?”

“¡Ay, mi amor, es mi virginidad que voló a los cielos!”

“¡Deténla, Pilarica, que la muy desgraciada se ha llevado mis huevos!”

En una playa rescatan a una persona que se había ahogado. Llega rápidamente un hombre, se agacha se le monta encima, le abre la boca y empieza a chupar, en cada chupada saca agua.

Pasa rato y sigue sacándole agua. Una persona que estaba al lado, que está viendo todo, le dice:

Oye, como no le saques el culo del agua vas a secar el mar.

Once personas se aferraban a una misma cuerda que colgaba de un helicóptero, diez hombres y una mujer. La cuerda no era suficientemente gruesa como para soportar el peso de todos, por lo que decidieron que una persona debía soltarse. De otro modo, todos caerían.

No lograban elegir quién sería esa persona, pero entonces la mujer, con voz firme, anunció que se ofrecía voluntariamente para soltarse de la cuerda. Después de todo, dijo, estaba acostumbrada a relegar sus intereses propios, ya que como Madre siempre daba prioridad a los hijos; como esposa, anteponía los intereses de su marido a los propios, como hija se doblegaba ante su padre, como profesional permitía que sus jefes obtuvieran el crédito por sus logros. Como mujer, dijo alzando la mirada hacia el infinito y poniéndose una mano sobre el corazón, su misión en la vida era sacrificarse por los demás, sin esperar nada a cambio.

Eufóricos de emoción y orgullo,los hombres rompieron en aplausos…

(Esta historia es para que una mujer tenga un buen motivo para sonreír hoy… ¡y siempre!

También se la puedes enviar a un hombre y si no la entiende se la explicas más tarde…)

Where a whole lot of white men kill a few Indians.

Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend, Theyre driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and Im half-way to the nut hatch.

What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself, her friend said.

So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.

Superb! I cant believe it, Mary said. I get in that pen with a good book and the kids dont bother me one bit!

By the way – Mary is blonde.

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. One Texas soldier is better than ten taliban.

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice then calls out One Texan is better than one hundred taliban.

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The Texan voice calls out again One Texan is better than one thousand taliban.

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, Dont send any more men, its a trap. Theres actually two of them.