Old and New Jokes

Did you hear?

The Energizer bunny has been arrested for Battery

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, Do you serve lawyers here? Sure do, replied the bartender. Good, said the man. Give me a beer, and Ill have a lawyer for my gator.

In a cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow – one person was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator —-It would be a good idea to just leave them there.

Legal Business Card: Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe Attorneys at Law

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. …Benjamin Franklin.

An anxious woman goes to her doctor. Doctor, she asks nervously, can you get pregnant from anal intercourse? Certainly, replies the doctor, Where do you think lawyers come from?

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

A: His lips are moving.

Q: Whats the difference between a dead dog lying on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why wont sharks attack lawyers?

A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

A1: Take your foot off his head?

A2: No.

Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?

A: She thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.

You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.

Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection

Its the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. Hes a pretty hip guy with his own car.

When he goes to the front door, the girls father answers and invites him in. Carries not ready yet. Why dont you have a seat?

Carries father asks Bobby what theyre planning to do.

Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Why dont you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby — so he asks Carries dad to repeat himself.

Yeah, says Carries father,

Carrie really likes to screw; shell screw all night if we let her!

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that shes ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, Dad, its called the twist!

Just in case some of you missed Parade magazine – supplement to the Sunday Paper I will relay a story about Ron Howard and his wife contained therein.

Seems that they named (middle name) each of their 4 children after the place they were conceived. Thus one of their middle names is Dallas.

The last one however is named after a street because they didnt think Volvo would be a good middle name.

Neville, Daniel and Rhonda are floating in a life boat after their ship had sunk in the Atlantic. Neville sits up and looks about. He sees an island on the horizon, but cant believe his eyes. After conferring w/ the other two, they decide that there is no such thing as group hallucination and paddle toward the island.

They have not been on the island long when it begins to rain. This is another miracle, and the three believe that God is w/ them.

The following day, early in the morning, Rhonda starts screaming and wakes the other two. Its a ship, its a ship! cries she.

The other two rise from their somnulescent posture and look. Sure enough, there is a ship on the horizon.

Were saved, were saved! cry they, and begin to dance around in circles. As the ship comes closer, Daniel peers to catch the name on the starboard side: The Titanic he reads out slowly.

(Source: Playboy Magazine)

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American in an overseas
flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

Last night I made love to my wife four times, the Frenchman bragged,
and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she
adored me.

Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times, the Italian responded,
and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never
love another man.

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, And how many
times did you make love to your wife last night?

Once, he replied.

Only once? the Italian arrogantly snorted. And what did she say to you
this morning?

Dont stop.

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.

The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, I think Ill get up and get a coke.

No problem, said the Soldier, Ill get it for you.

While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldiers shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, That looks good, I think Ill have one too.

Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldiers other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

How long must this go on? the Soldier asked.

This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity?

This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?

1. Quarters are gold. 2. Two meals per day is the standard. 3. Road trip whenever possible. 4. Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before. 5. You will begin to nap again. 6. Your bookstore bill will almost equal tuition. 7. Squirt guns = Stress relief. 8. Instant messenger becomes an addiction. 9. E-mail becomes your second language 10. College students throw paper airplanes too. 11. You never realized that so many people were smarter than you. 12. College football is the coolest thing on the planet. 13. Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you wouldnt know, but you can recite last weeks re-run of The 70s Show verbatim. 14. Cartoons are for all ages. 15. Disney movies are more than just classics. 16. You will never rent/buy more movies in your life. 17. No one is too old for video games. 18. Procrastination is an art form. 19. SNOOD is more addicting than pot. 20. Thanks to Kazaa/Audiogalaxy/Morpheus, you will never listen to any of your CDs ever again. 21. It never hurt so much to get sick. 22. The health service nurses are there because they couldnt make it at a real hospital. Never, dont ever forget that. 23. Care packages are right up there with birthdays. 24. Campus is only clean for Family Weekend and Freshman Orientation. 25. Nothing you want to register for will be open. 26. Classes… the later the better. 27. You are no longer thankful that the fire alarms are here to protect you. 28. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires. 29. The only time to dress up is when your jeans are dirty. 30. Showers become less important; sleep becomes more important. 31. Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night. 32. Creativity in the dining halls is KEY… 33. The freshman 15 is NOT a myth!!! 34. If its snowing out, the only reason you will leave your room is for food. 35. Dishes smell af