Old and New Jokes

In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Netscape deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey Im Home.

Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become MineAll Mine.

Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.

3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney Opera.

Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants will merge and become Poupon Pants.

Knotts Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become Knott NOW!

Q: Whats a conservative?
A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.

One day two blind men started fighting.

Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them.

Then one of the members of the crowd yelled out I bet 10 bucks on the one with the knife.

Both men ran away.

En una fiesta de barrio, un grupito de ñeros se enfrentan con un problema de conciencia.

¡Ándale, anímate y ve a sacar a bailar a la gorda para que nosotros saquemos a sus amigas!, suplica uno de ellos.

Ah, chinga, chinga! ¿Y yo por qué? Sácala tú, o tú…

No, mejor que la saque éste.

En esas están, sin ponerse de acuerdo, cuando llega el que se las daba de más carita del grupo y les pregunta:

¿Qué pasa? ¿Qué andan haciendo?

Nada, pos aquí que no nos ponemos de acuerdo para ver quien saca a la gorda…

Sí quieren la saco yo, dice con aire de suficiencia.

¡En serio, mi buen, órale pues!

El galancete cruza por en medio de la pista y llega hasta la mesa donde estaban la gorda y sus amigas. Sin contemplaciones se dirige a la gorda:

¡Órale, pinche gorda, a la chingada! ¡Para afuera!

One day a boy came walking home from school. On the way home he saw a creek. He quickly jumped in, clothes and all. When he arrived home completely soaked his dad asked, Son what happened?



I jumped in that creek down the road.

Why did you do that?

I dunno.



His dad was very angry and said, If you jump in that creek again, just because, Im gonna tan that hide – just because! Is that clear?

Yes dad. replies his son.



The next day, the boy came home walking from school, and sure enough when he saw that creek, he jumped right on in.



When he went home, his dad knew what had happened and asked, Didnt I tell you not to jump in that creek again?

Yes dad, but Satan told me to do it!



His dad, being somewhat religous, decided to give his son the benefit of the doubt and tells him – Next time Satan tells you to do something like that, say Satan get thee behind me in the name of Jesus.

Ok dad. replied the son.



Well the next day after school, the boy was walking across the bridge, and well you know the rest. He came home again soaked.



His dad said, I thought I told you what to say when you came to that creek!



I said what you told me dad, and when I did, Satan pushed me in!

a pope goes to a dinner party and sits at the main chair one of the person asks oh pope you divine please pass me the wine the secaratory sitting at the other end thinks for a long while and says oh pope you bastard please pass the custard

Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.

What you dont do is always more important than what you do.

They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

Give a man a fire and hes warm for a day, but set fire to him and hes
warm for the rest of his life.

– Terry Pratchett