Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drugstore, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their childs sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it — itll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you cant get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the play group committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And dont think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars dont look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that youve had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child — a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Weetabix and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the Weetabix is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing Postman Pat at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

What is the difference between a plum and an elephant?Theyre both purple, except for the elephant.

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasnt paying attention in class. She wanted to wake him up so in the middle of her lecture she called on him and said, Johnny, quickly! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?Johnny quickly replied, NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!

Relationships
First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship – he refers to
it as that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis.

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled All Men Are Idiots. Then
she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup
at 3 am early on a Sunday morning – he will call and say I just wanted
to let you know you ruined my life, and Ill never forgive you, and
I hate you, and youre a total floozy. But I want you to know theres
always a chance for us. This is known as the I Hate You/I Love You
drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There
are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this
need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.

Sex
Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.

Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her
place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults.

Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each
other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely
work out.

Hats
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

Comedy
Lets say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching tele-
vision, and an episode of The Three Stooges comes on. Immediately,
the men will get very excited – they will laugh uproariously, and even
try to imitate the actions of Curly, mans favorite Stooge.

The women will roll their eys, groan, and wait it out.

Handwriting
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch.

Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their is with
circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their ps
and gs. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when
shes dumping you, shell put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms
A man has at most seven items in his bathroom – a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, shampoo, a bar of soap, and a towel from the
Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in a typical womans bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.

Magazines
Mens magazines often feature pictures of naked women.

Womens magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy
and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

Groceries
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and
buys these things.

A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a lemon,
and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
everything that looks good. By the time he reaches the checkout counter,
his cart is packed tighter than the Clampetts car on The Beverley
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
10-items-or-less lane.

Going Out
When a man says hes ready to go out, it means hes ready to go out.

When a woman says shes ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready
to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on
her makeup…

Shoes
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then
slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic
bag from Saks. When she arrives at work, she will put on her dress
shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are
under her desk.

A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day.

Leg Warmers
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if shes walking the dog or doing
the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time
she wants.

A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the Gimme the
Ball number in A Chorus Line.

Cats
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women arent looking, men kick cats.

Mirrors
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.

Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface – mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiolas head…

Garages
Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.

Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages,
they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.

Movies
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
Leigh for the first time in Gone With The Wind.

For men, its when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clarks face
in Public Enemy.

Jewelry
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.

A man can get away with wearing one ring, and thats it. Any more than
that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Menopause
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree
of the changes varies with the individual.

Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses,
a snazzy French cap, leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an
expensive foreign sports car.

The Telephone
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone
to send short messages to other people.

A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home,
she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Low Blows
Lets say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television,
and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.

The woman says, Oh, gee, that must hurt.

The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.

Directions
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.

Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. A man will never stop and
ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while
saying things like, Looks like Ive found a new way to get there, and,
I know Im in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store.

Admitting Mistakes
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.

The last man who admitted that he was wrong was General George Custer.

Richard Gere
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.

Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who
works out at the health club and dates only married women.

Offspring
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Dressing Up
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail…

A man will dress up for: weddings and funerals.

Nudity in Movies
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This
is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.

The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
This is another reason why men hate him.

David Letterman
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth.

Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

Cameras
Men take photography very seriously. Theyll shell out $4000 for state-
of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes.

Women purchase Kodak Insta-matics, and often produce better-looking shots.

Politics
Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to do political
things such as voting.

Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys are growing up
and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for
them and cry on election night.

Locker Rooms
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they dont know football nearly as
well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.

Women talk about one thing in the locker room – sex. Not in abstract
terms, either. Theyre graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Laundry
Women do laundry every couple of days.

A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do
his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty
sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to
the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.

Weddings
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the ceremony.

Men talk about the bachelor party.

Cheerleaders
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American.

Male cheerleaders are scary.

Gym Socks
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.

Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have
pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

Toys
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of
11 or 12, they lose interest.

Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older,
their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of
mens toys: miniature TVs, car phones, complicated juicers and
blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on
command, video games, and anything that blinks, beeps and requires at
least six D batteries to operate.

Plants
A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
The man will water the plants.
The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants.
No one knows why this happens.

Mustaches
Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.

There are no women who look good with mustaches.

Nicknames
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names
like Ultimate Pecs and Big Turk, women eschew the use of nicknames.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.

But if Mike, Dave, and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Peckerhead, Scumbag, and Louse.

Two guys are changing in the locker room at the gym, and one of them notices that the other one is wearing a bra and panties.

Hey, Joe, how long have you been wearing womens underwear?

Ever since my wife found them in the glove compartment.

Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces.

IBM: Ive Been Moved

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, I know the whole truth even when you dont know anything.



The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, I know the whole truth. His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, Just dont tell your father.



Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, I know the whole truth. The father promptly hands him $40 and says, Please dont say a word to your mother.



Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, I know the whole truth.



The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, Then come give your FATHER a big hug!

A nun walks into a taxi. The taxi drivers

says to the nun,I have always wanted to



kiss a nun. Will you please kiss me?



She says I will if you are single and



Christian. So the the cab drivers says



,Yes Im Christian and single So after



they kiss, the cab drivers says well, i lyed



because im married and im jewish. So



the nun says Oh thats ok, cause my



name is Kevin and im going to a



halloween party!