Old and New Jokes

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweethearts birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweethearts younger sister, he went to Nordstroms and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note:

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love,

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

A man wanted a big, verocious dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs.

The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage.

He looks like hed be a pretty good attack dog, said the buyer.

Well, hes not bad, replied the owner, but I have something better in mind for you.

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

Ah, said the buyer, This must be the dog you were referring to earlier.

Well, no. said the owner. I have something better in mind for you.

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached.

This is the dog I had in mind for you, said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted.

Youre joking! he exclaimed.

This dog seems quite tame; he doesnt act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, hes just lying there, licking his butt!

I know, I know, said the owner. But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and hes trying to get the taste out of his mouth.

Americans and Russians were competing who would go to the moon and build more on it. The minister comes to the American president: Mister President, the Russians have already launched their spaceship!
President: Yes, yes, let them! A few days later: Mister President, the Russians have already landed on the moon!
President: Yes, yes, calm down! In a week: Mister President, its the Russians, the started painting the moon red!
President: Thats fine, just fine! In a month: Mister President, the Russians have painted half the moon red, wed better do something too!!
President: No, no, dont worry! In two months: Mister President, the Russians have finished painting the moon, the whole moon is red now!!
President: Thats great, now send our spaceship up there to write Coca-Cola on it!

TOP TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOURE IN A BAD CHURCH

10. The church bus has gun racks.

9. The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor.

8. The Bible they use is the Dr. Seuss Version.

7. Theres an ATM in the lobby.

6. Choir wears leather robes.

5. Worship services are B.Y.O.S. — Bring Your Own Snake.

4. No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.

3. Karaoke Worship Time.

2. Ushers ask, Smoking or Non-smoking?

1. The only song the organist knows is In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.

There were 3 guys in a plane. The plane was about to crash.

They each had to throw one item out:

The 1st guy threw out an apple.

The 2nd one threw out a bannana.

The 3rd one threw out a bomb.

There were 3 guys below them. 2 were crying, 1 was laughing.

A guy went up to the 1st one and asked, Why are you crying?

He answered, an Apple hit me on the head.

He went up to the 2nd one and asked, Why are you crying?

He answered, a Bannana hit me on the head.

He went up to the 3rd one and asked, Why are you laughing?

He answered, I farted and my house blew up!

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

I liked it, but I couldnt understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents, she said.

What do you mean?

he asked.

Well, everyone kept yelling, Get the quarter back!

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard a answering, Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!

He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the other Indian crazy or what?

No, said the Indian.

It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler Wooooo Wooooo! Wooooo! into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate.

Just then they saw another cave.

The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave stopped, and hollered, Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!

Immediately, there was an answering Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation and then he heard the answering call, WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read..

NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN

Don Jacobo, padre de Rebeca, preocupado por ésta, le pregunta:

Querida Rebeca, ¿tienes algún pretendiente?

Sí papá, ¡tengo tres!

El padre decide someter a prueba a cada uno de ellos: Abraham, Isaac y Samuel.

Don Jacobo le entrega a Abraham un huevo; a Isaac una naranja y a Samuel un chorizo, y les dice que a la semana deben volver y contarle que hizo cada uno con lo que se llevó.

A la semana llega Abraham y Don Jacobo le pregunta:

¿Qué hizo con el huevo, Abraham?

Bueno… al huevo le rompí la cáscara, la tiré a la basura, me preparé un huevo frito y me lo comí.

¡No, mal, mal! Usted desperdició la cáscara de huevo que picadita, picadita, es comida para pájaros. No merece casarse con Rebeca. ¡Váyase!

Luego llega Isaac y le dice a Don Jacobo:

Bueno… yo pelé la naranja, me la comí y tiré la cáscara y las semillas.

El padre de Rebeca enfurecido le dice: ¡No, no y no! ¡Mal, muy mal! La cáscara de naranja es alimento de gallinas. Las semillas se plantan y así algún día podrá tener naranjas. Tú tampoco mereces la mano de Rebeca. ¡Vete!

Finalmente llega Samuel y Don Jacobo, ya indignado, le pregunta: Bueno… y tú, Samuel, ¿qué hiciste con el chorizo?

Bueno, Don Jacobo… yo al chorizo le saqué el hilo y me cosí un botón de la camisa; después lo pelé y me comí lo de adentro; con el cuerito me hice un condón y me tiré a su hija, y aquí tiene la leche para el gatito.

Una hermosa noche de diciembre, en una de las bellas playas de Puerto Rico, estaba una pareja de novios, muy acaramelados, mirando el mar cuando, en eso, él le dice a ella:

Chica, déjame tocarte el wiwichu.

¡Estás loco, mi negro! ¿Cómo crees?

Anda, chica, qué no ves que es el tiempo perfecto. ¡Déjame tocarte el wiwichu!

¡No, no te lo permitiré!

Anda, chica, es ahora o nunca, deja que te toque el wiwichu…

Bueno, mi amor, tócalo porque te quiero mucho.

Entonces el muchacho agarra su guitarra y prosigue:

¡Wiwichu a merry Christmas, wiwichu a merry Christmas, wiwichu a merry Christmas and a japy niu yir!