An American tourist had visited all the usual sights. Hed seen the Sydney Harbor and everything else, but he wanted to see the *real* Australia. So there he found himself, on the weekly rail motor out to Thargomindah. There wasnt much to see. There was a drought on it was hot and the wind was blowing dust everywhere. He got off the train and made for the pub, sweating and cursing as he swatted in vain at the clouds of files that buzzed around him. The pubs only customer, a bloke in a blue singlet, greeted him with a Gday! The American ordered a beer. Yank eh? quizzed the Aussie. Sure am buddy, the Yank replied. Waddya think of this part of Australia, yank? the bloke asked. I think its got to be the a**hole of the world, the Yank replied. There was a five second pause as the local sucked on his smoke. Then he asked: You just passing through?
Q: How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change the bulb, one to counsel the old bulb because its been thrown away by an uncaring society, one to arrange the case conference and one to make sure they are all following the correct working practice.
Note: Sever of the jokes below relate to Ivy league schools. No offense was meant by them.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
La fiesta de cumpleaños de Juanita iba a celebrarse y la mamá no querÃa que invitara a Pepito porque era muy grosero; pero ella suplicó y la madre accedió con una condición:
Por favor, dile a Pepito que se comporte y no sea majadero.
El dÃa de la fiesta, conforme van llegando los niños, son formados en la entrada para quitarles su suéter y colgarlo en el armario. Al llegar todos los niños, el payaso que ameniza la fiesta comienza con las adivinanzas para repartir los premios:
A ver, niños: lana sube, lana baja, ¿qué es?
Pepito fue el único que levantó la mano y cuando el payaso le pide que responda, Pepito contesta:
La verga.
La mamá de Juanita, enojada, ordena:
El suéter de Pepito porque ya se va.
Juanita se tira al suelo haciendo un berrinche y rogando:
¡Por favor, mamá, deja que se quede, te prometo que es la última groserÃa que hace!
No, es un majadero y te lo advertÃ.
Pero de tanto llorar, la mamá accede a la petición de su hija.
El payaso sigue:
Niños: ¿agua pasa por mi casa, cate de mi corazón?
Ningún niño levanta la mano, a excepción de Pepito, y el payaso, nervioso, pide:
¿Quién más? ¿Algún otro niño?
Como nadie responde, no le queda más que preguntarle a Pepito y éste responde:
La verga.
Ahora sÃ, el suéter de Pepito, pide la mamá de Juanita.
Juanita se tira al suelo:
¡No, mamá, por favor, te lo ruego, que no se vaya, él es el alma de las fiestas!
Y convence a la mamá.
Pero si vuelve a decir otra groserÃa, te juro que ahora sà se va.
El payaso continúa con las adivinanzas:
¿Entra parado, sale mojado y huele a pescado?
De inmediato se levanta Pepito:
¡Mi suéter, por favor, porque ahora sÃ, de que es la verga es la verga!
(No pienses mal, es el buzo)
1. Ambos se ven ridÃculos con sombrero.
2. Se pueden comer cinco kilos de chocolate en una sentada.
3. Ninguno entiende de fútbol.
4. Son perfectos en pretender que están escuchando lo que se les dice.
5. Siempre quieren que se les rasque la espalda.
6. Ninguno puede cuadrar una chequera.
7. Jamás se podrá saber en que están pensando.
Y las 22 razones por las cuales el perro es mejor:
1. Los perros no lloran.
2. Les encanta que uno invite gente a la casa.
3. No les importa que uno use su champú.
4. No esperan que uno los llame para avisar que llega tarde.
5. Cuanto más tarde llegue uno, mejor lo reciben.
6. No les importa que uno juegue con otros perros.
7. No se dan cuenta si uno se equivoca de nombre al llamarlos.
8. Les gusta la patanerÃa.
9. No les importa si uno regala los cachorros.
10. Todo el mundo puede conseguir un perro bonito.
11. Si es espectacular, los otros perros no lo odian.
12. Los perros no van de compras.
13. Les encanta que uno deje desorden en el piso.
14. Nunca necesitan analizar la relación.
15. Sus padres nunca llegan de visita.
16. Les encanta los viajes largos en carro.
17. No odian sus cuerpos.
18. Jamás escuchan a Julio Iglesias.
19. Nunca critican.
20. No esperan recibir regalos.
21. Es lÃcito tenerlos amarrados en la casa.
22. No les interesa saber como fueron tus antiguas relaciones con otros perros.
The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have
no money.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with
money think we are only after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat
heterosexual, dont think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,
somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and
have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy
and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
The men who never make the first move, automatically lose
interest in us when we take the initiative.
And yet, WOMEN are the CONFUSING sex?
A man is walking down the beach one day and he finds a lamp. He gives it a rub and out pops a genie. The genie says Since you have released me from my prison you can have three wishes, but with these wishes there is a catch. Whatever you get your mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a minute and says For my first wish I want fifty million dollars.He thinks for a little while longer and says For my second wish I want to be adored by the ten most beautiful women in the world. The genie says You do realize that your mother-in-law gets double of what you just wished for right? The man nods and says For my third wish I want to be beaten half to death
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Gretel!
Gretel who!
Gretal long little doggie…!
Ill tell you a short poem;
Ill try to make it quick.
The subject is quite simple:
The joy of having a dick.
Penises are super things;
You ladies should be jealous.
An organ surrounded by sensitive skin
Thats smooth and rarely hairless
It starts to grow dramatically,
When youre about thirteen.
Your testicles on either side;
Your willy in between.
It dangles neatly down below;
Soft, obedient and loyal.
At the slightest hint of lust,
Its ready to uncoil.
It often has a mind all of its own;
Its like a wild untamed beast.
It squirms and writhes and stretches out;
When you expect it least.
Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves;
Erecting when it shouldnt.
A bumpy train ride sets it off;
Just when you wish it wouldnt.
And during the summer,
wearing little, sunning on the beach
The slightest sight of shaking boobs
Makes it squirm just like a leech.
Handle it with love and care;
For it can give great pleasure.
Has it grown since last weekend?
And when did you last measure?
Some people fret about its size;
They give it lots of thought.
Is seven inches long enough?
It makes guys quite distraught.
They peek across in urinals,
To compare and try to see
But if another glances back at them
Theres no way they can pee
Masturbating is a sin;
Thats what some folk believe.
But those are just old wives tales;
Cuz it really can relieve.
Without this fabulous organ,
No shag would be complete.
Lesbians will try their best;
But must admit defeat.
It has to main bodily functions
Im sure youll all agree
To start a whole new life
And of course, daily to pee
But I think the thing thats marvellous;
About that one eyed brute
Is that when its trying to procreate,
It knows which fluid to shoot
And always it remains with you;
Until youre old and frail.
Dont take it out in public though,
Or youll be thrown in jail.
And so to summarise Id say with certainty
That every male loves his little friend
But girls, no matter what we do,
Please dont fold, spindle mutilate
And NEVER NEVER Bend!!!
A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. He said. The next time I see you, youll have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
Why, thats amazing! the doctor said, Did you follow my instructions?
The blonde nodded. Ill tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.
From hunger, you mean?
No, from skipping!