Old and New Jokes

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, If you were my husband I would poison your drink." The man replied, If you were my wife I would drink it.

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.

They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side.

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. You are truly a wise Vet, they said. How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, My wife is from Illinois.

My fellow Armenians,

As I stand here today, looking out over this magnificent viagra, I
think we can agree that the past is over. Our country is ready for a
fresh, bipolar approach.

I want to bring America together. We are the hill shining on a city,
and each of us can get to the top if we set our feet to it Americans
have made their decision. They dont need sympathy; they need
ablutions. We need to move beyond the petty armadilloes.

Politics doesnt have to be the way it is today. We can make the pie
higher. A high pie lets everyone put food on their family and their
family on the table.

Thats my record: I side with the people. And the B-side of my record
is Billy-Joe Gibbs and the Shoeshine Boys singing Streets in Laredo.

(Music break)

A president has to think not only of himself and his family and his
baseball teams families, but of all American families. I dont
believe a president should be choosing who are the right Americans and
who are the wrong Americans. All of us are together, white or wrong,
black or right. Or perversely. Thats why my tax cut is as broad as we
are. And it will give our expansion a timely second dose of wind.

(Zantac commercial)

I say theres a cost to inaction. I havent done the acrobatics, but
its probably around a trillion dollars. Thats a good round sum to
offer to everyone, especially our seniors, who are the backache of our
nation. I would like to take a moment to mention my mother, Barbara
Bush, who taught me to read and write when I was still knee-high to a
lawnmower. We need our seniors to be free to pass on their lifes work
to those they love, and especially to pass on.

Thanks, Mom and Dad.

(Applause; tears)

We know that America is the best in the world. We are the great
super-premium; we cannot afford to be unleaded. This is still a world
of madmen and mental losses. And mental loss is easy to underestimate.
We need a sharpened sword to light our way. To quote Ronald Reagan: I
do not believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do nothing. I do
believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do something. And it must
never run our lives.

(Exxon commercial)

The purpose of prosperity is to make sure the American dream touches
every killing heart. Progress can be slow; you measure it in inches
and feet, not miles or kilograms. Or cantilevers. I worked in Texas by
common sense and plain dozing. I got on with small business, because I
was one myself. Im less now. But Im also more. We are all less and
more. More or less. And I believe we must match our compassionate
hearts to our preservative minds.

I know you would rather be watching TV, and so would I, so I will draw
to a confusion. My message is: I will get things done. I will inspire
and untie. I will appeal to peoples better angles. I will prove that
politics can be bigger than you ever thought possible. We will trust
the people we serve, and serve the people we trust. Together, we can
do what needs to be done to preserve this great bastard of freedom.

Thank you, and God help America.

A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He
walks over to the bar, and orders a beer.

The bartender says, Sorry sir. You cant bring that alligator in
here! Its a dangerous animal, and youre scaring all of the patrons!
True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone was
standing on the tables, looking very nervous.

But wait! he cried, this alligator is tame! It wouldnt hurt
anyone! However, the bartender is adamant. If, the man
continues, I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he
stay?

Well, I guess so, says the bartender, however, youre going to
have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that tha
alligator is tame!

The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. Ralph! he shouts,
Sit up! With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his
fist BANG BANG BANG. And the alligator rears up on its tail.
Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG. And the alligator opened
its huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth.
The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the alligators mouth, as
the entire bar crowd gasps. Raplph! Close your mouth, but DONT
BITE! BANG BANG BANG. As the man pummels the alligator on the
head, the giant mouth slowly closes, and stops juuuussttt short of
biting the guys dick off. The crowd sighs, and the man says, Ralph,
open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG! and the alligators mouth opens wide
again.

There, says the man to the crowd, now would anyone else like to
try this?

A girl in the back says, Yeah, Ill try, but only if you promise not
to hit me on the head so hard.

Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thiefs description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I.D. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, Yeah, thats the woman I robbed.

Elsewhere…

In Nashville, they tell of Fred Bubba Johnson, the burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.

Meanwhile…

In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldnt get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated, he whipped out his gun, but it wouldnt fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran — but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall… Unplugging it, he tried again, but a regular diner decked him and called police.

And…

In Rhode Island, cops were sure they had the right guy when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts proceeded to pay his $400 bail…entirely in quarters.

Stranger yet….

Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who was fleeing naked. When asked about his choice of attire, he said hed stripped after the job because he figured his clothes would make him identifiable. . .

In the Heartland…

Lawrence, Kansas – Officers tracked a midnight thief who prided himself on his running speed by following the red lights on his high-tech tennis shoes. . .

And Finally. . .

In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid I.D. in a 7-Eleven robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said Cedar Woods Apartments and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front. . .

Just One… Boomer Esiason.

Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

Youve ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses.

Your old car is now considered the main storage unit.

Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for a bookmark.

Un tipo estaba en la parada del autobus temprano en la mañana y en eso pasa otro en bicicleta y le grita:

¡Cornudo!

El tipo mira hacia todos lados pensando que no era con él y no se inmuta mucho.

Al otro día ocurre lo mismo, pero ya el tipo comienza a molestarse pues en su vida había visto al de la bicicleta.

Al tercer dia decide cambiarse de lugar en la parada para ver si era una coincidencia, pero el de la bicicleta despues de mirar bien a la parada da otra vuelta y le grita:

¡Cornudo!.

El tipo no puede más, regresa a la casa y le reclama a su esposa que hay uno que le esta diciendo que es cornudo. La esposa se derrite en explicaciones, pues ella no sabe por que le grita ese hombre. El marido enfurecido la amenaza con matarla y la esposa le suplica y le asegura que ella es inocente. Después de una acalorada discusion finalmente se calman los ánimos.

Al día siguiente el tipo vuelve a irse a la parada. En eso pasa el de la bicicleta y le grita:

¡CORNUDO… Y CHISMOSO!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Scissor!
Scissor who?
Scissor and Cleopatra!