Working for the military one often runs across some interesting stuff …
From a Russian document:
one of the serious problems in planning against American doctrine is that the Americans do not read their manuals nor do they feel any obligations to follow their doctrine.
Quote from a German general officer:
The reason that the American Army does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the American Army practices chaos on a daily basis.
1. When waiting to buy your tickets, ask if you can cut in front of the person in front of you. if and when they say no, wait two minutes, and ask again. keep doing this until you reach the ticket person. 2. When buying your tickets, order one for each movie and ask if they think you can make it to all of them on time. 3. When buying the tickets order one for a movie, then change your mind after they have given it to you. Repeat until you have gotten through all the movies and say, Oh, i think ill just stick to the first one. 4. When standing in line for snacks, glare at everyone and yell, Do you know how much fat there is in all of this? You people should be ashamed of yourselves, sitting on your butts in a movie theater and then eating 4 million calories before you leave! When it is your turn, order an extra large soda, popcorn, 2 hotdogs, 3 orders of nachos, ice cream, and candy. 5. When the snack bar person asks what you want, say, You. And put extra butter on that! 6. When finding a seat, try and take up as many as possible and when someone tries to sit down say, Whats wrong with you? Cant you see that Tom is sitting there? 7. During the previews, keep saying, This is bull! Show the movie! 8. When the movie starts, yell, Wait! I want to see more previews! 9. During the movie, keep whispering to the person next to you. When the shush you, shush them back and say, Will you please shut up? Im tryhing to watch the movie! 10. Laugh obnoxiously 5 seconds after teh joke is over, and keep laughing for about 10 seconds after everyone has stopped. (works well in dramas or tragedies that have virtually no comedy.) 11. During the movie, suddenly yell, These people cant act for their lives! I could do much better! Then proceed to stand right in front of the screen and mimic the actors. 12. Keep talking to your invisible friend next to you, saying things like Dont you hate it when people talk
You refer to your truck as if it had a legal first name.
Youve ever been given a gun as a present.
Flannel is your favorite color.
A woman walks into a doctors surgery with a huge boil on her arse.
The doctor squeezes it, pushes it, and then looks at the hard white pus core.
He says, This is too big a job for me.
So he sends her to Gus the pus sucker.
The woman goes to Gus who looks at the bulging, red, inflamed boil festering with pus and says,
This is no problem.
Halfway through the operation the woman drops a mammoth fart.
Gus stops what hes doing, looks up and says,
You know lady, its people like you that make this job f***ing disgusting.
There once was a man named Dave,
who found a dead whore in a cave.
She was ugly as shit
and missing one tit,
but think of the money he saved!
Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American
University grade their final exams:
Dept. of Statistics:
– All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Dept. of Psychology:
– Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close
them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and
assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
Dept. of History:
– All students get the same grade they got last year.
Dept. of Religion:
– Grade is determined by God.
Dept. of Philosophy:
– What is a grade?
Law school:
– Students are asked to defend their position of why they
should receive an A.
Dept. of Mathematics:
– Grades are variable.
Dept. of Logic:
– If and only if the student is present for the final and
the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student
will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
Dept. of Computer Science:
– Random number generator determines grade.
Music department:
– Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the
instructor play the corresponding note (+ and – would be sharp
and flat respectively).
Dept. of Physical Education:
– Everybody gets an A.
Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual
yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity
was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that
species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously
suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant
to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric
philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St.
Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations
of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebra. My
conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal cranial coverings, were about
to take slumbrous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous
exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance
that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the
purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing
the fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without,
reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline aqueous
precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself –
thus permitting my incredulous optical sensor to peruse a miniature
airborne runnered conveyance drawn by an octet of diminutive specimens of
the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient
and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our
anticipated caller. With his undulate motive power traveling at what may
possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar
predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through
contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her
respective cognomen … Now Dasher, now Dancer… et al. – guiding
them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which
structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the
32 cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was
performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved – with
utmost celerity and via a downward leap – entry by way of the smoke
passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue
from the oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the
walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely
to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a
commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his
submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging
amiability. The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal aptenance
were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the
former approximating the coloration of Albions floral emblem, the latter
that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and
supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their
ambient hirstute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and
columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smokingpiece whose gray fumes,
forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative
seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he
waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner
of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
aforementioned hosiery with articles of merchandise extracted from his
aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon
completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a
single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ,
inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith
affected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He
then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a
musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the
antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement
hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common
weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior
to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: Ecstatic yuletides
to the planetary constituence, and to that self-same assemblage my
sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly
pleasurable period between sunset and dawn.
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
Look at their reserve, their calm, muses the Brit. They must be British.
Nonsense, the Frenchman disagrees. Theyre naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.
No way! They have no clothes and no shelter, the Russian points out, They have only an apple to eat, and are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian.
One day a boy came walking home from school. On the way home he saw a creek. He quickly jumped in, clothes and all. When he arrived home completely soaked his dad asked, Son what happened?
I jumped in that creek down the road.
Why did you do that?
I dunno.
His dad was very angry and said, If you jump in that creek again, just because, Im gonna tan that hide – just because! Is that clear?
Yes dad. replies his son.
The next day, the boy came home walking from school, and sure enough when he saw that creek, he jumped right on in.
When he went home, his dad knew what had happened and asked, Didnt I tell you not to jump in that creek again?
Yes dad, but Satan told me to do it!
His dad, being somewhat religous, decided to give his son the benefit of the doubt and tells him – Next time Satan tells you to do something like that, say Satan get thee behind me in the name of Jesus.
Ok dad. replied the son.
Well the next day after school, the boy was walking across the bridge, and well you know the rest. He came home again soaked.
His dad said, I thought I told you what to say when you came to that creek!
I said what you told me dad, and when I did, Satan pushed me in!
Men are like…….
…..Placemats.
They only show up when theres food on the table.
…..Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
…..Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
…..Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
…..Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but thats about it.
…..Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
…..Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they dont generate much interest.
…..High heels.
Theyre easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
…..Curling irons.
Theyre always hot, and theyre always in your hair.
…..Mini skirts.
If youre not careful, theyll creep up your legs.
…..Handguns.
Keep one around long enough, and youre going to want to shoot it.