Old and New Jokes

I cannot see,

I cannot pee,

I cannot chew,

I cannot screw.

My memory shrinks

my hearing stinks

no sense of smell

I look like hell!

My body is drooping

got trouble pooping.

The golden years have come at last

the golden years can kiss my ass!!!

( This joke has been told by many deaf people and has been recorded in
a few books on deaf culture. The interpretation of this joke is mine,
though. )

A deaf couple checks into a motel very late at night. Upon moving into
their assigned room, they go to bed. But in the middle of the night, the
woman has a headache, so she goes into the bathroom for aspirin. But she
finds none, and remembers that the bottle of aspirin is still in the car.

Afraid to go out alone at night, she awakens her husband and asks him to
go get the aspirin from the car. The very groggy husband puts on his robe
and toddles wearily outside. He finds the bottle of the aspirin in the cars
glove compartment, and gets ready to go back to the room when he realizes
something: he cant remember which room was his!

He thinks and thinks and then gets an idea. He opens the car again and
honks the steering wheel horn several times. Within a minute, all the
motels windows lighten up–except one window, and of course, he makes
for the room with that window.

A liberal came upon a genie and said, Youre a genie. Can you grant me three wishes? The genie replied, Yes, but only if youre feeling generous enough to share your good fortune. The liberal said, Im a liberal. Im always happy to share. The genie said, O.K., then, whatever you wish for, Ill give every conservative in the country two of it. Whats your first wish? I would like a new sports car. O.K., youve got it, and every conservative in the country gets two sports cars. Whats your second wish? Id like a million dollars. O.K., you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two million dollars. Whats your third and final wish? Well, Ive always wanted to donate a kidney.

The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tigers tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesnt want to start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place.He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him, Did you just lick me twice in the butt?The other tiger replied, Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, youre a mile away and you have their shoes.

A tea bag.

1. You stand in line-ups at the movie, not lines.

2. Youre not offended by the term, Homo Milk

3. You understand the phrase, Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine

4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.

5. You drink pop, not soda.

6. You know what it means to be on pogey.

7. You know that a mickey and 2-4s mean Party at the camp, eh!!

8. You dont hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.

9. You can drink legally while still a teen.

10. You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are not electronic devices.

11. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.

12. You dont know or care about the fuss with Cuba, its just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.

13. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.

14. Youre not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and dont want to know if he has!

15. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.

16. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.

17. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.

18. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield – that is some small town in Quebec!

19. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.

20. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.

21. You know that Thrills are something to chew and taste like soap.

22. You know that Mounties dont always look like that

23. You read rather than scanned this list.

You pick your teeth from a catalog.

Youve ever financed a tattoo.

You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the day my ship came in.

A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale. So all the cows stand up and brush themselves off and go back to their business. Pretty soon, a tornado blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass. Next, a hurricane comes through and all the cows are knocked into the next pasture. The bulls just say moo. Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, Moo? Whats the mooing deal? How come the wind always knocks us for a loop and you just stand there unharmed ? Isnt it obvious? the bull replies. We bulls wobble, but we dont fall down.

Mother:
How is your history paper coming along, dear?

Daughter:
Well, my history professor suggested that I use the
Internet for research and its been very helpful.

Mother:
Really?

Daughter:
Yes, and so far Ive located 17 people who sell them!