Old and New Jokes

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The barman asks him,
You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.

The Irishman replies,
Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America and the others in Australia and Im here in Dublin.

When we all left home, we promised that wed drink this way to remember the days when we drank together

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way, ordering three pints and drinking them in turn.

One day he comes in and orders only two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says,
I dont want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
Oh no, he says. Everyones fine. Ive just given up drinking.

Im Glad Im A Man

Im glad Im a man, you better believe.

I dont live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese

I dont bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts

I can get where I want to – north, south, east or west

I dont get wasted after only 2 beers

and when I do drink I dont end up in tears.

I wont spend hours deciding what to wear,

I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair

and I dont go around checking my reflection

in everything shiny from every direction.

I dont whine in public and make us leave early

and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

Im glad Im a man, Im so glad I could sing

I dont have to sit around waiting for that ring.

I dont gossip about friends or stab them in the back

I dont carry our differences into the sack.

Ill never go psycho and threaten to kill you

or think every guy out theres trying to steal you.

Im rational, reasonable, and logical too

I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me

to have these two balls and stand when I pee

I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball

Its more fun than dealing with women after all

I wont cry if you figure out its not going to work

I wont remain bitter and call you a jerk.

Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure

I wont assume its permanent by any measure.

Yes, Im glad Im a man, a man you see

Im glad Im not capable of child delivery

I dont get all bitchy every 28 days

Im glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise

Im a man by chance and Im thankful its true

Im so glad Im a man and not a woman like you!

A guy walks into a construction site, sets down his football bat, and orders a beer. The flamingo looks at him and says, Ill bet you $5.00 that you cant stand on your own neck.

The guy replies, Well, if youre out of grilled cheese, then I dont do pianos!

Q. How did Michael Jackson got food poisoning?

A. He ate a 12 year old weiner.

[Ed: Newlywed Game again. This is a rare example of a followup joke. I
normally reject all followup jokes, unless they surpass the original. In
this case it might be true. ]

There was this couple and the man was asked where was the weirdest
place they ever made whoopie. And with confidence, the woman
responds: Got to be in the butt, Bob.

And another section… I think it was on the Pyramid game or something
and the word to get was bread and so the cluegiver says, Dough
and the black man answered, knob.

-MikeP

[Note – the second incident reportedly happened on the game show Password – ed]

Yo mama so ugly, it takes her a half hour to walk a block — cause she stops at all the hydrants!

Yes, I finally got confirmation of my dismal academic status.

I called my mother, and I was telling her about how my classes were going
and what I needed to do to avoid being kicked out of school. After I was
done, there was silence for a minute, and she said in all seriousness,
You know, you would probably do well in the Armed Forces. Sigh.

This is true.

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, were told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to A great miracle happened there, the message on the dreydl will be the more generic Miraculous stuff happens.

In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher.

All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance.

He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful.

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, May I borrow a highlighter?2. Say Uh oh, I knew I shouldnt put my lips on that. 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.4. Say, Hmmm, Ive never seen that color before.5. Drop a marble and say, Oh shoot! My glass eye!6. Say Darn, this water is cold.7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.8. Say, Now how did that get there?9. Say, Humus. Reminds me of humus.10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it
erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, Whoa! Easy boy!!11. Say, Interesting….more sinkers than floaters12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?13. Say, Cmon Mr. Happy! Dont fall asleep on me!14. Say, Boy, that sure looks like a maggot15. Say, Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your butt cheeks.17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your Cross-Dressers Anonymous newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, Peek-a-boo!19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing Born Free.20. Fill a flask with lemonade, spray it at the cieling saying Now watch as I catch this in my mouth…

Q: Whats the difference between PMS and Mad Cow Disease?

A: The number of tits!