Old and New Jokes

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!
Whistle the first seven notes of Its a Small World incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: Got enough air in there?
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: Noogie patrol coming!
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
One word: Flatulence!
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: Ive got new socks on!
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Meow occassionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Frown and mutter gotta go, gotta go then sigh and say oops!
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing Mary had a little lamb while continually pushing buttons.
Holler Chutes away! whenever the elevator descends.
Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce Youre one of THEM! and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Burp, and then say mmmm…tasty!
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it.
Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask is that your beeper?
Play the harmonica.
Shadow box.
Say Ding! at each floor.
Lean against the button panel.
Say I wonder what all these do and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.
Bring a chair along.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: Wanna see wha in muh mouf?
Blow spit bubbles.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Announce in a demonic voice: I must find a more suitable host body.
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Stare at your thumb and say I think its getting larger.
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler Bad touch!

by Alan Meiss, ameiss@gn.ecn.purdue.edu

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

What is it, child?

Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, My dear, I have good news. That isnt a sin – its only a mistake.

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.

Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and were not exactly sure what it does.

Q: How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while theyre arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known.

I have got a drink problem…..

Ive got two hands, but only one mouth…..

Una pareja se casa y al llegar al lecho de amor, el marido pesca a la mujer y comienza a darle. La primera noche le hizo el amor treinta y cuatro veces; la segunda otras treinta y cuatro y así diariamente hasta que terminó el primer mes de casados. La mujer, afligida, le cuenta el problema a su madre:

¡Mamá, Fernando me lo hace a cada rato, donde me pilla practica el coito: en la cocina, en el baño, en el auto!

La madre, luego de escuchar a la hija, recomienda:

Hija, esta noche, cuando Fernando llegue del trabajo, dile que te ha llegado tu periodo y que no podrá hacerte el amor. Eso te dará un descanso de una semana por lo menos.

Siguiendo el consejo, la mujer espera al marido en la noche, quién llegó concupiscente.

¡Fernando, detente, esta vez no podremos hacer nada: estoy en mi periodo!

El tipo se viste y se va al living. Cuando regresa, llega con una botella de champagne y unas copas. La mujer, extrañada, le pregunta que qué celebran. Con una sonrisa de oreja a oreja, el marido contesta:

La semana del culo.

Late one night, a burgler broke into a house. As he tiptoed through the living room, he heard a voice say: Jesus is watching you!

Nothing happened, so the burgler crept forward again. Jesus is watching you – said the voice.

The burgler stopped dead in his tracks. He looked around. In a dark corner he spotted a bird cage with a parrot in it.

Was that you who said Jesus is watching me? he asked.

Yes said the parrot.

The burgler breathed a sigh of relief, then asked the parrot, Whats your name?

Clarence answered the bird. Thats a dumb name for a parrot, sneered the burgler. What idiot named you Clarence?

The parrots answer: The same idiot who named the Bulldog, Jesus.

Q.What happens when you throw a rock

into a red sea?



A. It gets wet.

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